Reality just keeps punching

I hope you are feeling a bit brighter and the sickness is one of those quick bugs. 

Jkee, hope you a bit better soon

Spring has always been my favourite season, but Im finding it hard this year. The daffs are plentiful, tulips in bud, Ive cleaned my greenhouse but I couldnt reach to change the bulb in our bedroom which went over a week ago. I had to wait for my daughter to stand on the bed. How silly is that? Tony would have a wry smile at my ineptitude to do simple things.

I can definitely feel a big sob coming on..

So many things we all seem to have in common , yet our stories are all different. I don't sleep well , often after finally dropping off an hour or two later I wake with a start. Usually reliving our last weeks together in nightmares and wake up with a start and a cry or curse. Even though i could see my Love slipping away ,I was in denial and he was too or pretending not to be. He rarely complained , and though I knew he was deteriorating , I thought I could make him better ,or as well as he would ever be. I never imagined he was actually gonna die and leave me . I have cried every day since he left. Some days it comes in waves and others I will cry from waking until going to bed. I am lost and alone despite having our youngest son staying here when not working.  Our two sons have been supportive in their way , but they don't really understand . Their relationship was different . I get upset cooking  and shopping . Thinking how he would have liked this or that . And end in floods of tears in the kitchen.  I have to contain myself shopping but i can feel the anxiety coming up in waves and I have to get home. Counsellors say we aren't broken ..well I feel broken in two. He took a part of me , He was my better half . And to think I'm never going to see him again makes me feel devastated to put it mildly. I wish I could have done more to keep him here with me and I carry the guilt of letting him go. I feel like I let him die . I watched him take his last breath and I could do nothing. My sons think I'm selfish for still wanting him here , because he was suffering so much. They have accepted the loss of the Father .I can't accept the loss of my Husband . It's 10 months now and the 1st Xmas and New Year was bad. But April is going to be far worse with the Anniversaries and Birthdays without him. I'm dreading it . I can feel the Anxiety building . My Sisters  tell me how to cope  , but they are still with their Husbands . I won't be going to any celebrations , I can't stand that they are trying to jolly me along , they have no idea how excruciating it is to lose their Best friend . I don't want to see them Happy with their Partners when I am alone . 

Hi breton

We all feel that pain here, I'm 5 months along but it still feels like yesterday in so many ways. Yes the grief your sons will feel is different, I had that conversation with my daughter this morning.  As you say, its half of the person you were, gone and you have to relearn how to navigate the world with what feels like both hands tied behind your back. A world we don't want to have to navigate but we find ourselves here.

We are a supportive bunch here, we don't necessarily   have answers  because  there aren't any but we can share and feel less alone.

MrsVT, 

 How are you doing  ? Are you feeling any better  ?

Thank you for asking Ghost, yes much better. I actually went to bed before midnight! The first time in nearly 18 months. And had a solid sleep. 
Woke up this morning at 7. In the garden pruning and weeding at 8. Long walk at 9. 
Then mums with my sister for some messing about with clay and we made her afternoon tea. It was a really lovely day. 

And then the crash. Home to the new silence. No response to telling my beautiful Valen about our day. Tears of anger, frustration, fear and utter loss. 
I wonder why I bother with trying to have a nice time if this happens every single time.

But I am glad we gave mum a nice day, I wouldn’t take that away from her. 
And at least Jumanji is a distracting film, even if I have seen it about 20 times!

I guess I should expect these crashes by now and just go with it.

Hi Jkee

Good to see you back again. Hope you're doing ok. 

Vicky xx

Hi Vicky  

Nice to hear from you hope you are well I have not been coping  well had a breakdown  few months ago on medication  and ptsd counselling  helping really missing  Simon still can't  accept  he is notoming home and the trauma  of his death won't  leave me. Feels lonely  in the house hate it but my children keep me going but bad days then good where you think you are doing OK the wham back crying