Scared

Hi spirit, sadly yes I think its probably normal. Ive had the most awful bug since Christmas and found it so hard to make myself drinks or get food. Tony did all the odd jobs in the house, yes I worry about something major and not knowing what to do.

I get scared although I dont have panic attacks. If youre getting lots of panic attacks that you didnt have before, it might be worth you seeing a dr. 

Do you have good people around you? I have a lovely neighbour and friend, I tell her when Im getting in the bath in case I cant get out. (waiting for knee replacement). I never had a bath without Tony being here, just in case. Im slowly learning who can get things from my loft, fix a broken tap or clean my gutters. In some ways it makes me miss him all the more, but also makes me feel pathetic that he did these things and I cant. 

Hugs coming your way.

Thankyou Malengwa,

these feelings come and go, sometimes I'm ok then suddenly it all engulfs me. This is all such a struggle isn't it? I think the panic comes more from being alone, having no.one to share things with now. I don't really have any neighbours I can call on, people say 'if there's anything I can do' but I'm not sure they mean it. My children are kind but not nearby.

I feel that I know I  will be ok eventually but that time isn't yet. It's only seven weeks since David died, I guess I have a long way to go. Thanks for all your posts and responses, it really helps.

Sending hugs back to you  x

Gosh yes.  Scared of so many things. Of who will look after me and how I will be when older is the big one. It's especially hard just now when I've now got dreadful snow so can't even get out. Too long for thoughts to go round and round.

It isnt long at all, Im just a few weeks longer, 12 weeks. My family arent that close by either so I do rely on neighbours and friends.

Wilcard I know what you mean although Im not snowed in, i havent been out the house since christmas Eve due to a stinking cold. Yes there have been lots and lots of tears.

Gosh, yes.

From not knowing who we used for servicing the boiler. 
To the Tado radiator showing a fault. 
To not having him to cuddle up to in the terrible winds recently that felt like the conservatory roof was about to be ripped off. 
To my beautiful Valen not being here to look after me when I had that virus doing the rounds. 
To sorting out the bank accounts and HMRC and being afraid I would loose all our money.
To who will look after me when I get dementia (in my bad moments I will of course get debilitating arthritis and dementia). 
To how the hell am I going to survive without him for the next however many decades.

Sometimes I feel brave. Other times scared witless. 
All I can say to myself is “Look to your Valen. How brave was he in the face of his terminal diagnosis. He never once felt sorry for himself, only ever thought of you”.

It’s terrifying and scary and unbearably sad knowing I have so many years ahead without my soulmate. 
But for his sake, his memory, his legacy I have to.

I guess we are all scared. There's so much to think about and I don't feel able to think about any of it yet. 

I believe we are stronger than we realise right now, we will learn to deal with the fear, but I have no idea when. You're right though, our loved ones were brave and we must be brave too. I just wish I knew how to start.

Thankyou for your reply, it helps knowing it's not just me feeling desolate and afraid. 

It's been 5 weeks since my Nick passed away.  I feel panicked, scared, useless, a burden, numb, heartbroken.   You're right it is all so overwhelming.  I feel scared about the future.  I just can't stand to be alone.  My family are my brother  sister in law and neice and nephew, they're all I have left.  They have been amazing and I've been staying at theirs for Christmas and new year as I'm so scared about the house, its all too much. 

All I can say is know that you're not alone, others are here for you and what you feel is normal.  A friend has said just take half an hour at a time.   The house is fine just now.  We'll take it one step at a time.  Its the only thing that helps. Lots of love xxx