Christmas

Hi SpiritintheSky ,

First to say - I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm not part of this particular forum but I wanted to reach out to offer some support having lost a daughter 2.5 years ago I know how difficult this time can be.

You need to do what is right for you and forget what anybody else thinks.  Their opinion of your actions is their own and is just that - an opinion.  There is no right and no wrong in this situation, there is just what brings you the most comfort and ease when going through this awful time.

Do you want a tree? If you want a tree then have a tree, if you don't want one - don't get one.  No-one will think you are uncaring or callous if you do.  The children may notice if you don't, but I would think they'll be more pleased to see you. Your son evidently will know what is happening anyway.

We did continue and it was hard, but we felt that if we didn't put the tree up that first year we'd never want to do it again, but our decision was what was right for us, you must do what is right for you.

Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

CerysM

Hi spirit. Can you speak to your son? Its such early days for you (october for me) and Id have been happy to be alone but my daughter wont hear of it, so her, boyfriend and grandson will come. He is older at 16. We have agreed no tree or decorations, except a small ceramic tree lamp we both made years ago. 

Simple dinner, no cards, 

But thats ne. You must do you. Your son will understand and kids take things in their stride. If they ask, be honest. They may ask why you are sad or crying, tell them.  

I am dreading it, just want it over. I know we will be together and it will be ok, and we will talk about Tony, and cry. we will survive it.

And you will too.

Higs x

Thankyou for your kind words. I guess I'm making too much of the whole thing, it's about more than a tree after all. I'll get through Christmas the same as every other day, full of ups and downs. Thankyou again.

You are so right, somehow we will get through it, and find the strength to face whatever it brings. Everything seems like a huge hurdle when your grief is this raw. Thankyou for your response and support Malengwa, I know you get this. Sending you love and hugs  xx

Hi Spirit!

You do what you feel is right. My first Christmas without my husband I still did decorations but only the minimum.  My late husband was not really one for Christmas and was a bit `bah humbug` about the whole thing but the irony is that he loved doing the Christmas dinner and that was his thing and I think really the only thing he liked about Christmas and would have everything prepped weeks before it. I did and still do have a tree. Last year was slightly better but this year I am just not feeling it for some reason but will make an effort for my grandchildren. Very early days for you and it is understandable Christmas maybe the last thing on your mind. Just like grief though there is no right or wrong way to go about it and as I say just you do what you feel is right for you and no one else. My best wishes to you and hopefully in your own way, you will get through Christmas. Take care dear. 

Vicky.

Hi spiritinthesky,

You are very early in your grief.  You should try and do  what you feel is right for you. I don't have kids so no gk, you must feel under pressure, but remember you are still in shock. This is my first Christmas 11 months on Christmas day and a year for my Dad.  I will be spending it on my own, I did get invited too one of my sisters, but I want to be in my own house. I have two Christmas cards up, one I got for Sue, and a old one from a pile Sue kept to me. So please look after yourself and do what is best for you.

Hi Spirit, 

Last year, we went abroad to Lanzarote for Christmas, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to cope at home. I just had to get away. My darling Paul, passed in the early August, and he absolutely loved Christmas. This year, it will be low key, with a small tree. We talked through what would work for us. As others have said, it is so important to do what is best for you. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I can only echo what others have said. 
You must, for your own sanity, do what feels right for you and you alone. 
Even if this changes day by day. 

Last week I put up some decorations and my beautiful Valen’s Christmas memory tree. 
3 days ago I ripped them all down in anger, guilt and despair. 
Yesterday I put them back up.
The Christmas memory tree was a suggestion of my sister in law who has done one for he dad who passed away 4 years ago next week. Each year she buys a small trinket, something of meaning to her dad, and puts it on a garland. I’m doing it on a tree. Last year I got a chilli ornament. Everyone who knows Valen would get that! This year a Willy Wonka one, his favourite Christmas film.

I have been crying all day thanks to a Christmas card addressed to both of us. Inside the message read “I hope you are both well and looking forward to 2026”. This was from on an old neighbour whose address I don’t have and I don’t know her surname so can’t contact her. Nothing I can do about it, except let the tears flow.

Anyhow, Spirit, there is no set in concrete decisions you need to make. 
Like our everyday struggle to live, to survive, to get through each day - if you want to get out of bed, if you don’t want to don’t. Let no person judge you.

Cards! 
The first one that was handed to me I freaked out over it left it unopened on the side got a bit upset. It was from my sister n law who said later she went to write it and automatically started writing both our names. It just seems so wrong and unfair my husbands not here. Then the same day one was posted and it was to the both of us from someone I thought I had definitely notified- however they can’t be that close or concerned about us or me if they have only contacted me now 32 weeks on!! I can’t be bothered yet to contact them either maybe a short text after Xmas! 
I have sent no cards and have not put any decorations up but I am calling most people up instead for a chat as not feeling too festive and am working Xmas eve and Boxing Day in an attempt to blitz my way through it and let others have time off. I will be visiting family on Christmas Day for a family meal. The rest home alone.

I have bought myself a small gift from my husband for me on Xmas morning.

The last photo we had taken together was on Christmas Day evening last year little did I know then that would be our last one together!

People just say have a good one….happy Christmas……etc don’t they think..…tonight I actually said to someone I hardly think so ! 
But I don’t want to spoil it for others hence the decision to work it it’s not going to be easy…

People can be very insensitive, I've had cards saying Merry Christmas ... it's only been a month, do they seriously think I can even smile, yet alone be MERRY!!! Nobody understands this unless they're in our shoes.