Christmas

Yes the cards have had me in tears too. A couple are people who dont know yet so not their fault. Others just done without thought.

A friend sent me a card that just said thinking of you. She said it took ages to find one that didnt say happy or merry christmas on it. 

It's never straightforward. A wise friend reflected that people who are bereft and have lost a significant person react in one of two ways: one is to rip everything up and do things completely differently; the other is to maintain traditions exactly as they were. I'd be happy to do nothing special over Christmas but I have to think of our children, three of whom will be coming to stay. They were all here last year and we did Christmas as we always did, only without their father. This year it'll be the same: a huge (artificial) tree, 300 glass baubles, streamers,  the garden festooned with lights children playing games together while I cook dinner (only I'm allowed to cook dinner). And we'll remember their Pa. But I will still feel that numbing flatness and joylessness that fills my days while putting on a brave face.

Do what you feel is right for you but talk to your family first. 

My children think they know what's best for me, they mean well, they don't want me to be alone with my grief. What they can't realise is that whoever I'm with I am still alone, because the one person I want to be with is gone. They will try to make it an ok Christmas, I know. Life is cruel and grief is pain and thankfully they haven't had to learn that yet. They will miss him as their step dad, I miss him as the other half of me. 

Exactly that, spirit, they are grieving their dad, which for my daughter, is gard enough as they were so close. But im grieving my best friend, soul mate, lover, etc. He was my world and yes, we are alone in our grief. All we can do it put one foot in front of the other and support each other along the way. 

This place is my lifeline at the moment. When I feel totally alone it's the one place where I know someone understands. xx

Yes, the mask is coming out for me, too. I will be doing more of a buffet Christmas lunch. I can’t face a full blown one, as it was always my darling that cooked Christmas Dinner. Yesterday, I went to see a friend in hospital, the same one where we were told it would be days rather than years. I had terrible flashbacks of that day, and had a good cry last night. I miss him so terribly, as I am sure you miss your husband. Kate. Xxx

Yes, it is truly a terrible feeling. A friend asked what did grief feel like ? I said, it is like, “Being stabbed in the heart, and then the knife is twisted”. She was shocked. No one really understands until they have been through it. This forum has been so helpful over the last 16 months. Kate. Xxx

Well said Kate! That is exactly what grief feels like and I myself didn't know until it happened to me and it does need to happen to you personally to experience it. Spirit I agree with what you say too. I am going to my son's house on Christmas day for Christmas lunch. I said to them if they wanted to miss it this year as they have the new baby but they still want to do it so me and my sister will be going. When Jay was alive they came here as he which I have mentioned before here made the big Christmas dinner but maybe he now sees it's his turn to do it for me and take over from his dad but I know what you mean when I am there I will feel as though I am `invading` their privacy somehow even though it is my own family. But we will all be together for a little while which is the main thing. 

That is exactly how it feels, it is physical pain as well as mental anguish. It comes in waves that feel overwhelming, too much to bear. But somehow we do. I am so thankful to everyone here. 

And I think I was – and I still am – scared of time on my own. I'm really scared because time on my own is actually time with Zoë. Because she's there with me but you almost don't want that because she's not with you. You have to have it in your head.

I read this earlier today on the BBC news site. It’s written by a father of 2 young children whose wife passed away aged 38 from Adult Sudden Death Syndrome. 
I totally get what he is trying to say. 

Home is my main safe place - no mask needed. 
So I want to be home. 
But I don’t want to be home as my beautiful Valen isn’t here where he flipping well should be. 
I am out for the majority of the day, even if I’m just walking or sitting watching and listening to the waves for hours. Anything to occupy my mind so I don’t have “blank” time to think about him not being here or his last few weeks.
But he is here! He is all around me and in me, through me and everything I see, hear and do.  
But my reaction to the reality of him not physically being next to me to touch, smell, hear, see is damn scary at times.