6 months

Yes yes I know what you meant. (People here are all awesome, honest and we are incredibly supportive of eachother. )I  have experienced the same from wellmeaning people. But when your world falls apart and your beloved  partner is gone it sounds trite and just woeful. Sadly it doesn't comfort except in that you realise they mean well and care. X

I used to get panic attacks on a regular basis. 
Sometimes I could identify the trigger - the medi helicopter overhead, song on the radio, couple of times in the supermarket, a hearse, a neighbour, coming home knowing my beautiful Valen wouldn’t be here, going to the hospital, walking across the railway crossing.
So times for no reason I could see. 
As I say, they were pretty regular, but I only get one every now and again. 

Physically, my hair doesn’t fall out in clumps when I wash it, just a brush full now. 
I still have to force myself to bed at 2 or 3am and wake at 6 or 7. I know I am exhausted but the thought of lying here in the cold empty bed and his weight not next to me is still unbearable. 
I haven’t had a proper meal at home since he was ripped from me 14 months ago - crisps, toast, chips, Pringles, instant noodles are my staple. I have progressed to a tin of soup now it’s colder, but Valen made the most amazing soup concoctions it’s like I’m betraying him when I do. 
He was an incredible cook and would be horrified at my diet!

I cry at least once a day, usually twice. And crying daily for 14 months is in itself exhausting. 
But at least it’s not 4,5,10 times a day now. 

So at just over a year in on this traumatic, lonely, unimaginable, confusing, heartbreaking path, feeling my way blindly along the precipice, I know I have made steps forwards.

Valen sounds wonderfully very much like my Ade. He also was a very good cook, he could open the cupboards and fridge and concoct a wonderful meal. I need to follow a recipe unless I’m baking but do not currently feel like baking cakes/ biscuits. 
My tears are coming several times a day and I just let them come. I’ve stopped trying to hide them and realise it is just another way of expressing how much I love and miss Ade and always will. 
Thank you for sharing your experience of panic attacks and I’m glad they have lessened for you. 
It is comforting knowing that we have each other for ongoing support. I appreciate each and every single person who is part of this community. 

Tuesday is 10 months for me.  Yesterday I  changed my routine.  I go food shopping and get a coffee at Starbucks,  but Yesterday I went to costa. I was looking at the menu wondering what to get. I got one, but sat down shaking and tears started, looking at the empty seat across from me. It amazing how little things can affect you.

It is all so very difficult, the list of upsetting situations is endless. Mine at the moment are; certain songs, my darling’s clothing that I am sorting, old friends that knew us as a couple, and finding old medications that you didn’t expect. I visited his grave yesterday. It was a beautiful afternoon, and I had a good chat about our love and how I missed him. I always feel peaceful there. I will be taking a seasonal arrangement next week. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

The cold in bed resonates with me. Tony was always my radiator, I often get hot in bed, but last night, for the first time, I was cold, and it made me cry. Even his pillow is still on his downstairs bed, I haven't yet got rid of it. I tried to this week but I'm not ready.

I finally got bereavement allowance which is a relief financially.

Crying is so exhausting. In fact everything is. Tony shopped and cooked, I hate shopping and don't really enjoy cooking. I did cook one day this week.

Today I am going to lay off paperwork, have a long bath, read and maybe puzzle a bit ( we used to do jigsaw puzzles together). I wonder if I will?

Love to you all today x

I'm sitting at the hairdressers deciding to organise my shopping and meals for the week instead of being haphazard. Also going to buy a nice jigsaw puzzle from the garden centre down the road. Can't believe my life has come to this! But there we go, got to do these little things. Thought the cat and kittens jigsaw might be a step too far. I think my hubby would have seen the funny side.  

I decided to try Hello Fresh meals to save me having to think too much about what to eat and to try to avoid waste. It has helped but there is so much food! Ade would be happy that I am at least trying to eat but would laugh at me having to eat the same thing for a few days to avoid throwing it away. Charlie (cocker spaniel) is loving meal times again. 
I have been doing puzzles on my iPad (magic puzzles is a jigsaw one and zen colour is a paint by numbers). I find these have helped me stop thinking about the hard stuff at least for a while. 
enjoy your pamper at the hairdressers x 

Thank you. X (Bought my puzzle too.)

Im glad you bought the puzzle. Ive puzzled on and off since childhoid but when Tonyvfell ill and didnt have much energy, it was something we did together.  I did some on my own today, which did make me cry but it also takes my mind off things.