6 months

27 weeks and like you and all the others feeling it. Had a miserable day like the weather really but did put my waterproofs and wellies and took a walk this afternoon spent the rest of the afternoon in bed not long got up ate round two of yesterday’s leftovers and wrapped up warm with a hot water bottle already warming my bed as I’ll be back in it again soon…It seems so much colder without my husband to snuggle up to! (He used to moan to me about my cold feet! ) Life is lonely just checked my phone yes no one called…but I don’t really want to speak to anyone anyway. 

My jigsaw is started but I’ve not had any motivation to do it felt quite flat this week. However when I do get on it it’s a good time waster and distraction. Early start though tomorrow I’m volunteering and that’s something I’ve recently started since my husband passed away I think it’s helping me it gives me some more direction and distraction BUT I wouldn’t be doing anything like this if he was here. I’m reading or trying to read it’s ok not to be ok just on the survival bit for those who have read it and yes this is all about survival it’s not easy living through what we’re going through.  It is really tough living alone with such a quiet house I’ve felt like running again this week and just getting away from everything but I know that’s not going to make things any easier the physical pain from grieving hurts so much and as much as I want that to go away and work through it I just know it’s still early days.   Just read this is so miserable but hey it’s how I’m feeling tomorrow is another day …. X

I also used to do jigsaws when younger but then found joy in reading. 
I’ve stopped reading - can’t find my concentration at the moment, but taken up puzzles again. 
I always have 1 on the go on the dining table. 
I find standing over it, with a piece in my hand, looking for its place, empties my head of all thought. I can find an hour easily passes without noticing. 
So I now do them before bed or when I’m feeling anxious or really upset, as my mind can go blank. 
Our local library has a corner where you can just take a puzzle, do it, return it and swap for another. It’s often changed so I can always find one to suit me. 
I’ve just finished one with 101 book titles hidden in the picture. Some were very obvious - a snowman, a woman dressed in white, a boy in striped pyjamas. Others took quite a bit of lateral thinking. I found 85. My sister is doing it now so will see how many she finds!

I’ve had that book for about 5 months. Still unopened and sealed in the Amazon bag. 
Every time I go to open it I start to hyperventilate and just can’t do it. It’s quite pathetic really. 
It’s just a book. Surely I can at least get it out the bag? 
But for me personally it just seems another reality check. 
Why have I got that book - because my beautiful Valen was ripped from me.

And I totally get what you’re saying about the volunteering. 
I do 2 days at our museum and 2 days at The Fort. I’m archiving the collections. 
Not my background but I have always loved history and research and I’m actually really enjoying it and being with the other volunteers. Many of whom have lost their loves. 
But I would never be doing this if my Valen was here. Of course I wouldn’t. I’d still be a phlebotomist. A job I had fallen out of love with. Before he was taken Valen said “please, please, leave that job. Find something you really love. For me. Take your time to do something for you. When I’ve gone, I want to know you are doing something you want to do. For me”. 
So I took my time and found this. For him. For me.

Hello AlyG

So sorry for your loss. I get what you are going through and its all natural and normal at this time. Everything will still feel so surreal and raw. That's great you have a good support network around you and yes you will feel even though you have that that you just want to be alone but that's ok if that's what you want you do what you feel is right. If you just want to be alone with `Charlie` then so be it. I find it quite comforting at time just being along with `Jack` (my little Border Terrier) sometimes its good just to come home and shut the door and the world out. My best wishes to you moving forwards you'll find your own way in doing so. Take Care. 

Vicky x