Never ending

So sorry for you, as I am for myself. I think you accurately describe this life we now have. I hate the pain. I hate it.  Like you, it's not what I want. There are really unwelcome triggers too, getting in the car to come home from work is just one of many. My grown up children are leaving home too and I realise I am going to be one of those people buying groceries for one, when for years it's been four. No more cuddles, no more old jokes that we shared over and over down the years. I feel this shouldn't have happened, or it could have waited another 20 years. The only thing  I can say to support you is that your experience, while unique to you, is a version of what so many people who come here are feeling. If that makes sense. 

Thank you for saying I'm basically not losing the plot. I work from home and I'll just start crying.  Have u heard the song by Lewis capaldi  cry my eyes out listening to that as feel I need to be with him. I might smile or laugh with people but inside I'm dead. Just been told I'm going to be a nan and I've got no feelings and its so awful I'm so consumed by my grief my heart has literally no love for anything or anybody.  X

Oh my, I can only echo what you're going through. I lost my husband on Easter Monday this year. I don't cry everyday now. But when I hear one of the songs played at his funeral it sends me into an uncontrollable meltdown, where I feel the tears will never stop. I am also a nan. I pick my granddaughter up from school 3 days a week. It gets me out of the house and away from my thoughts for a little while. So please try and focus on your new grandchild if you can. They give so much love and a reason to keep going. Big hugs to you x

Sue x

Gosh I feel the same lost Simon MAY 2025 i get no joy in anything last week never saw anyone just sobbed all day begging for him to come back. On Monday made my mind up to feel each day with seeing people full week but feel no joy just numb when people are talking went coffee garden centre shops felt nothing My grandchildren come at weekend but grandad  was the silly one play trains told jokes jumped on trampoline No laughter in the house now hate everyday

Hi Heartbreak

It's your first year without your partner. First year is the worst going through all the `firsts` without them first birthday, first anniversary, first Christmas etc etc. What you will be feeling is normal. I am just over 2 years in from losing Jay. The first year I felt was not so bad ironically I think because you are dealing with all the admin stuff stopping subscriptions, changing bank details etc so that kind of keeps you occupied. I was really lost my first Christmas without him in 2023. He was the one who cooked the Christmas dinner and went all out for it. He loved cooking in general a bit of a `bah humbug` for Christmas but loved to do the big dinner. For the last two Christmases I have gone to my son's house with my sister as she is on her own too. This year my 2nd I have found it a lot harder somehow I think this year I have had more time to think about it as all the admin and official stuff are out the way now. The first year I think it was coming to terms with him not being here and still expecting him to come through the door from work each night. This year I think I have accepted that he is gone but at times still find it hard to comprehend that he actually has and you're right what you say sometimes no matter how hard to try to get `involved` in things there is still that empty feeling there. You will move forward but I can't tell you how long it will take everyone's grief periods are different but you will know yourself when you feel you are starting to move forwards. I have slightly but still have my horrible days/weeks but just go with them now and they eventually leave like unwelcome visitors and I try to continue to move forwards. Just know you are not alone going through this and just continue to come here when you fee you need to. We are a good bunch and can all relate to what each other are going through. Take care of yourself. Best Wishes

Vicky

Today is 1 year my beautiful Valen’s funeral. 
Been feeling awful all day and getting worse as the day wore on. 
Pushed it to the back of my head and went out shopping with my mum and sister. 
It’s the first time m7m has been out properly since breaking her pelvis nearly 2 months ago. 
So some laughing moments with me trying to steer the wheelchair. 
But then when I got home the waves of despair, sadness, anger, guilt, aloneness crashed in. 
I’ve been crying, quietly and loudly, off and on since then. 
All my usual calming measures have not worked - sudoku, jigsaw, collage, garden, tv, walk. 
So now it’s 3am and all I can think about is seeing his coffin being carried into the church by his dad, brothers and sister and my brothers.  
Seeing his coffin arrive at the crem. Seeing it disappear.
Saying at his celebration, when asked if I wanted a drink “It’s ok, Valen will get me one”.

I messaged my brother and sister in law earlier asking them to call me as I was feeling so low. They always do, they have been brilliant. But tonight they haven’t read my message. 
By the time I realised they weren’t going to call it was to late to call anyone else.

I know I will get through today. I will go to the church this morning and light a candle just as I promised him I would. Then I will go to our cafe and be with our friends whose love has helped my this last year. 

Sending hugs to anyone awake at this stupid hour xx

I am sorry you have had a difficult day. As we know, the emotions can be overwhelming. I am really struggling at the moment, I seem to have shut down again. I am just going to have to go with it, again. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

I am sorry you are both struggling. 

Since we hit October, it seems to be getting harder. Sue loved the trees changing colours. 

On Sunday my firsts start and I am already overthnink them.

Sunday 19th wedding anniversary. 

Monday 20th Sue's birthday. 

I have bought cards and ordered flowers. I'm thinking of going out for a meal alone on Monday, but I'm playing that by ear.

Take care and please look after yourselves.

I have a dental phobia. I have an appointment today, my darling would have come with me to hold my hand. I think I need a tooth out, amongst other things.I am sitting here crying. I will take a little furry doggy to stroke in the dentist’s chair. I feel so bloody overwhelmed with everything. Kate. Xxx

You can do it Kate, 

It's horrible, the things we used to take for granted. Always been there for each other. 

To this not knowing what to do and having that person next to you. It just knocks you for six every day.