Oh my, this feeling of disbelief...it's been three months and I just can't comprehend what has happened. I go through all the horrible times leading up to his death and imagine that it didn't end that way. That somehow things worked out. I don't consciously think this but I reckon that's essentially what my mind is doing on its own. And I am living this upside down life with support from friend and family, but they are still living their normal lives while I'm not. I hate this so much. And no cuddles, not ever. I wish i could talk it all through with him, my love. I do talk to the empty space where he should be. Sometimes I look forward to coming home to talk to him....but it's empty space. 
I have been having some really weird dreams recently and sometimes my mum and dad as well as Jay appear in them and people I have known from the past who have also passed away. Just don't know what that could signify in real life
