Disbelief

Hi Emaroo

It's Fridays for me. Jay passed on a Friday evening (23rd June 2023). At the beginning I was counting back the Fridays from when he passed but I don't seem to do that now. Like you say it's going to bed on your own and waking up on your own. Somedays I stiil wonder what I am getting up for but I do it anyway. I have a little Border Terrier dog- `Jack`- who needs me to take him out and feed him so suppose he is a reason. He was Jay's dog so in a way I  have a little part of him still here with me. I have become a full time carer for my sister and although she doesn't live with me she lives within walking distance and I help her out with things like getting her shopping in and help her if anything goes wrong with paying her bills etc and do her banking for her if need be and go with her to her hospital appointments.  She is independent and can go out on her own but things in authority she is absolutely stuck. I've gone back to driving it was one of Jay's last wishes that I do it again to keep my independence. I couldn't drive for many years due to ill health myself but I went back to see the GP and got the ok to do it again. We bought our car after having it on PCP hire contract and Jay just saw it an advantage for me and he and my son encouraged me to start driving again. I have gone back to the gym again (when I can be bothered) Jay and I used to do that together so it went to the wall for a few years while he was ill. I've tried to keep it up and the girls on the desk are always trying to encourage me to try new things other than the gym fitness classes etc but don't know if I'm really ready for that yet maybe will in time. I look after my little granddaughter from time to time too so plenty to keep me going but there is always that feeling of `emptiness` around I have my what I call F**k it weeks where there are days/weeks I don't want to go anywhere or do anything but have learned to just go with them now and like unwelcome visitors they eventually leave and I can continue to move on. Take Care. 

Vicky x

It is now 1 year and 4 days since my beautiful Valen transitioned into a Celestial Body, as I have taken to calling it. 

Like Kate, I do still relive those last few weeks, days and have horrific, all to vivid flashbacks of his last hour. 
I am having PTSD counselling for this. 3rd one next week. 
But - I used to have these every day, then every Thursday. It has now dropped to once every so often.  
I used to be prone with gut wrenching crying - now I only cry a couple of times a day. And a few days only once, which is a vast huge difference! 
I used to scream and shout and literally hit or kick out numerous times a day - my neighbours have been very understanding and patient. But now it’s only a couple of times a week, if that. 
I used to live off Pringles, Wine Gums, waffles and noodles. Now I actually cook a proper meal at least half the week. 

Today I came back from my brothers in Wales, where I spent the last week. 
We went for long walks in places Valen loved whenever we visited them. 
On the actual day, we spent it on Burry Port Harbour front. Sitting in the sun, people and dog watching with a picnic in their camper van. 
Bitter sweet. It’s a brand new camper van - it was its first outing - and Valen would have so loved it. And he would have loved the picnic, being in the sun with the beach and waves. 
We cried and laughed and it was exactly the right way to spend the day. 

But then on the train home I did have a little cry. 
The man opposite me took his shoes off and had his bare feet out. 
I could just see Valens expression. It was so clear and so vivid an image it caught my breath.

Finally - I used to live minute by minute. Then hour by hour. 
I now live day by day. 
Most people wouldn’t get how huge a step forward this is. 
Only you guys on here now what I mean. X

20 weeks now and I have to be honest I actually don’t know how I can face another 20 weeks of it. I have tried and adjusted my life a little, almost too much has happened and changed and I think I need to slow down or maybe I’ve done it to blot out the pain. I came to bed at 8pm this is quite normal nowadays but I felt more lonely tonight and started to cry I was going to write a letter to my husband but gave up.  My Sleep is still very disturbed. 
I really don’t know how to proceed without my husband but I know I have to and want to sometimes but I’ve done some stupid things along the way too. 
I am frightened of the life without my husband when I’ve had the last 30 years with him supporting and guiding me everything is so different! I also would like him to just let me know he’s ok … And yes I just need his cuddles too but we ain’t going to get them anymore and that’s hard to accept!   

I know...its so cruel...

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. I remember going through the fear stage. It did pass. When you have been together so long, it is like part of you has ceased to exist. It is savage. I saw some close girlfriends today. I dropped one of them home, and had a hug with her husband. Later, when I got home, I burst into tears. This was because it felt so lovely to have a hug, like I used to with my husband. I miss the hugs and cuddles so much, just like yourself. I hope you manage to get some sleep. Kate. Xxx

Reading your post Kate I just thought of a dream I had last night, in which my husband was living, but moaning to me about something, and being a bit grumpy, and instead of me being annoyed with him I just ran and jumped onto his knee and kissed him passionately. He was so surprised, but delighted, as this was completely out of character for me and not something I can ever imagine doing. Even if there is a Heaven I would n't run and greet him like this. 

However as time moves on I'm not just thinking about his sickness or even his death but all those times and lost opportunities when I could have made him/us happier - times from even thirty years ago. Off course there was so, so much love and happiness, his extraordinary beauty, that I have to be so grateful for, but we are humans living with all the challenges and chaos of London city life and I look back and can't believe how I took it all so, so much for granted. I even took him for granted when he was sick. Then I think what else am I taking for granted now.. Sleep well Kate Xxx

That sounds like fun. Dreams are so very interesting, aren’t they. I go into this dream state, where I can’t be sure if it is a dream or a replaying a shared memory. it is extremely vivid, and I am literally re-living and feeling every emotion that I felt at that time. A particular one is on the Jurassic Coast in Dorset. We are holding hands, our border collie, Jack is playing in the surf, the view is panoramic, the light is wonderful and we are smiling at each other. When I eventually go to my Paul, that is what I will be thinking about. Kate. Xxx

That's wonderful.I think I need to work on a positive end-of-life inner video.

wesurvived

I always knew something bad was going to happen to us for 30 years I have had those thoughts we were soo happy and so in love he treated me like a princess wouldn't let me do anything bought me flowers every Wednesday always put me first I used to say often can't believe how lucky I am just waiting for something bad to happen I don't deserve you. Well it happened strange I always thought I didn't deserve such happiness now I have lost everything

I often dream about Jay too. Sometimes the dreams feel so real and some really ridiculous things that happen in them and then I wake up. I remember one night I felt like I was having a dream within a dream. I got up to get a drink of water and Jay was sitting on the couch where he always sat and I just looked at him and said `Oh you're back` as if he had just been working away somewhere and it just felt so real because we just began talking like we normally did and I think this is what made it so real but then I woke up just after that I think and it was that way when you wake up from a sleep and wonder where you are and then just realised where I was.