Disbelief

I feel similar Clazz. My husband died in May and I still talk to him every day. I think I’m in denial that I’ll never see him again so try to think about him being away and that I’m catching him up on my day. Perhaps I’m going mad.

My favourite part of the day is now bedtime as there’s a chance I’ll dream about him, and that way I get to see him again, even if I wake up and I’m living the nightmare.  

The heartbreak is cruel. Why us?! X

Hello Clazz and Emaroo!

Some of what you are both saying I can identify with. Still quite early days for you both so what you both write here is all normal and part and parcel of the grieving process. I'm going into my 3rd winter now (27months) without Jay. Emaroo I get that  you just imagine he is away somewhere and will be back for you tell him all about your day. I used to do that in the beginning too. Jay used to work away a lot and for a little while I looked on it that he was away for a couple of days and would be back at the end of that week but unfortunately it was for good. Lots of things happened I want to share with him too but he's not here but I just try to content myself he is somewhere watching and hopefully approving. Yes I've had dreams about him too and they seem so real that they are actually happening and then you wake up. Clazz yes living `upside down` get that too and you just wonder why people are getting on with their lives and yours just seemed to have come to a standstill and it's like `how dare you go about your business as usual` but that's just what grief does. I won't tell you both when and if things get better because we all grieve at different levels but I'm sure things will improve somewhat for you both. Just keep coming here as I've said before we all `get it` and its a good place to vent, shout or scream and nobody cares because we are all on that same horrible journey. Take Care both of you. 

Vicky xx

Thank you for your kindness and understanding xxx

Thank you for responding Vicky. Have you found that life has become more bearable then, in the 27 months you’ve been grieving?  I still feel like I’m on autopilot, getting up and working etc but life just does not feel real. 

Clazzz - I find it hard that everyone else is getting on with their lives too. I’ve got a wedding to go to next month - I’m the only person going who hasn’t got their spouse with them, and while I’m happy for my friends getting married, I know that I’ll find it so hard seeing other couples so happy when the love of my life has been taken away from me. X

Hi Clazzz.

Like you I relive that last day over and over. It's been just over 5 months now, but it still feels like yesterday. I now have days when I don't cry at all. But when I do oh boy the flood gates open and I can't stop. I take some small comfort that I went with my husband to the hospital every day for six weeks while he had his rt and chemo. The thought of him being there on his own while he was having treatment was unbearable. Now the nights are drawing in I'm finding that quite hard, i have to close my blinds earlier and I can't wait for daylight to come so I can see another human. Will it ever get easier, I hope so. This is a club I never wanted to join but it also gives comfort knowing I'm not alone.

Love ️ and hugs to you all.

Sue xx

Hi Emaroo!

In answer to your question. Yes life has become a bit more slightly bearable. I have had a lot to deal with over those 27 months so although still grieving for Jay I haven't really had time to think about it if you get my meaning. Two months after he passed away my older sister got a bowel cancer diagnosis same as Jay had in August 2023. Luckily though hers was caught very early so was treatable and she got taken into hospital in October 2023 and got the tumour cut out which was quite small she was told and just attends outpatient check ups now. She ironically got breast cancer 6 years ago too and again that got treated and she has recovered from that too. She also has learning difficulties and mental health issues and lives not far from me in sheltered accommodation. She is now currently waiting heart valve repair surgery. Just reading what you said about going to a wedding and being without your partner. My son got married in February this year and I was there without his dad and I really felt it. It was a lovely day but that one important person was missing. My son and daughter in law did a lovely thing though and got them to set out a `rememberance table` for all the people who had passed on who they both grew up with so there were pictures of Jay, his brother, his sister in law, his mum, my dad my daughter in laws mother and her gran. I mentioned my mum and Jay's dad to my son but he said he didn't know them growing up. My son and daughter in law live not far from me with my little granddaughter and I am awaiting the arrival of my 2nd grandchild in November. Jay only got to see the first two years of my present granddaughters life. She just turned 5 years old two weeks ago and started school in August. Jay wanted to be here to see that but unfortunately cancer had other ideas. Things will get better for you and you will know yourself when that is. There are still times for me that I still can't comprehend that Jay is actually gone. As I said things have happened that he hasn't been here for me to share with him.  Little silly things I want to tell him like I bought a new VAX vaccumm cleaner my old Dyson finally packed in after mega years when he was here I always said I was going to get a VAX and now I've got one he's not here to see it. Little things like that. I wish you well moving forwards. Take Care.  

Vicky x

Hi Vicky, it sounds like you’ve had a lot going on, and a lot to keep you busy, since Jay died. I’m sorry to hear about your sister. 

I feel similar in that four weeks after my husband died, my Mum died. So in amongst the disbelief, I try to focus on supporting my Dad. It seems easier to acknowledge that he’s been widowed than I have, given I became a widow in my 30s. No matter how busy you keep yourself though, waking up and going to bed alone is crushing. I wish my husband would just come back for a cuddle at night, even if he then had to go again. 

It sounds like your son did a nice job of planning his wedding and taking time to honour those who weren’t able to make it. I bet that made you proud. 

My husband died 21 weeks ago today. Each Tuesday morning I spend time looking at photos of him and trying to remember some of our good times. Initially I spent those times re-living his last few hours/days. Did you do this? And if so, do you still do it? Or will it fade?  Tuesdays seem to be so prominent in my mind now about how many weeks it’s been since my lovely husband died. They punctuate my week and I’m not sure if that’s a positive or a negative thing. 

I am 14 months in from the loss of my darling, Paul. I still have the re-living his last months, but not as often. I still dream a lot about the time we had together. There are now, longer gaps between the “Grief Attacks”, and overall I don’t cry as much. The improvement in my quality of life has been very gradual. As you know, there can be certain experiences that can bring in the intensity of emotion in a split second. Mine have been, sitting in the sun on the decking without him, being on the beach with our border collie, going to bed and him not being there. I literally take one day at a time, still. Today, is good so far. Carpet in living cleaning, waxing the fireplace. Our son has bought me yellow roses today, as his dad used to. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Hi Emmaroo,

I'm 8 months,35 weeks on this crap path. 

I lost my Dad on Christmas day, then 30 days later Sue followed him.

I still cry everyday, but not as much and for not as long. Unless a wave hits. Sometimes you feel like you are moving forward, sometimes you feel like you are going backwards.  This path is not straight, I like the description of the path being like a bowl of spaghetti, all over the place. 

I find it's best like Insanity Kate, said and just take it one day at a time. You do not know what you are going to get. I am not going to lie to you, it still hurts a lot. I relive that night every week.  It's not easy,but we just keep going. Please look after yourself and take care. 

Hello to all of you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.  I've had a very wobbly day today even though I've been out with a lovely friend. Coming here and reading what you have all said does help with the isolation. Just knowing here we all are. So thank you. Xxx