My husband died on 7 July 2026 after two years of treatment for bowel cancer. We always knew it was inoperable but he was offered the chance of a liver transplant (liver mets were the main problem) but it spread to his bones before he got that chance.
He died peacefully at home as I held his hand and the children were there (other than the oldest who was at work) so we are fortunate that his death was not traumatic. He actually died just two months after his last chemotherapy and went down hill really quickly towards the end.
I am utterly heartbroken but managing to carry on - we have three children, 22, 19 and 17 who are all still at home and giving me a focus and huge support. They are amazing.
Here I am at 2.20am and still wide awake. Sleep is a problem, broken and I sometimes then sleep later into the morning. I retired last year to spend time with John because we saw this outcome coming. As a result I have no work to push myself back to.
Sorry, this is a middle of the night ramble, but has helped calm me down. I get fixated when I am upset about not being able to remember him. I am not good at visualising things so when I close my eyes I see black rather than pictures. I am so scared I will forget him.
My youngest heads into her final year of school on Monday - we are in Scotland and she is heading into S6. The house will be quieter although our middle child is still not back to university until mid September. Our oldest is working full time so out of the house a lot. She has been amazing in her ability to keep working - I am in awe of her!
I have been forced to slow down though as I broke my elbow last week when away for a few days with the children and my in-laws. I am so lucky that I am very close to them and they are fabulous. Quiet and slow days at home with no pressure to visit anyone have been lovely.
I will stop now as this is more a post for me than of interest to anyone else! Just wanted to record how lost and scared I am in this tough new world I am now a part of.
