My beautiful man fought the good fight for 8 months. We didn’t get a full nights sleep the whole time because the steroids kept him awake but we fought the cancer together & his treatment was going well. We made the most of the time together. I still managed a couple of mornings of work. Unfortunately the treatment stopped working but with pain medication he was still positive although we knew the time would come sooner than we were hoping for. We never spoke about the end. We just plodded along made some nice memories. The last 2 weeks before he passed was hard, he had a back pain & diarrhoea & I couldn’t leave him as he needed extra help, which of course I was happy to do.
we were still bickering & sometimes it became a bit nasty as we were both stressed out completely exhausted. The guilt from things said out of pure exhaustion from both of us can never be taken back & although I know we would have forgiven each other it is killing me. The day before he passed we were bickering because he thought I wanted to put & leave him in hospital because it would be easier, I told him I wanted him home with me but his worse fear was dying in bed full of drugs, I hope he knew I would never have done that to him. On the morning of his passing his back pain was under control with morphine & his diarrhoea was sorted, we had arranged to go to his Mums 150 mile journey when I got back from a couple of hours work. All seemed well. He had seen our nieces the day before (the loves of his life), he had eaten his favourite food for the first time in 2 weeks, he was sat up when I left. He was going to have a little nap while I was out, I got back & he had passed. Thankfully for him not in bed but bless him. More guilt for leaving him although I do think he was ready to go, I just wish I had known. I just don’t understand how you spend everyday for 25 with someone & they are just not there. It all seems a bit pointless now & the pain is overwhelming.
You never need to apologise. We are here to get these things off our chests.
I so wish that none of us had to go through any of this but I am so relieved (sorry I don’t know what other word to use) that we were not the only couple who had harsh words born of frustration & fear, from all the posts I have read no one mentions this part of their journey, I thought I was the only one who was feeling the guilt of words they wish they hadn’t said.We all know it was the cancers fault for it all but because you can’t actually see it (only the devastating effects) you take it out on each other. Losing Andrew is the most devastating thing in my life but I am so glad he’s not in pain anymore but the guilt is something I find impossible to come to terms with, this is still very new for me but your post has helped me to breathe out. I will always miss him & I’m good with that, I’m hoping to work through my feelings of guilt now. I have my first group counselling tomorrow 
THANK YOU SO MUCH 
Love the song words, so all of us.
‘I think most of us, if not all, have those terrible "What if", "I wish that I hadn't / I wish I had said’
Thank you for this, I now do not feel so alone anymore
O Kate, thanks for that, I did give him everything despite my frustration, tiredness, anger. I just need to convince myself he would have forgiven me, I know he would have but I can only feel the guilt at the moment. Hugs back to you 
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I am so sorry for everyone’s pain. We all obviously loved our people so much, cancer is so cruel & doesn’t just destroy the person with it but the ones left behind. So many different stories on here, I guess it doesn’t matter how or when they go it would always have be too soon, Andrew’s passing was unexpected to me but even being prepared wouldn’t have made it any easier I realise now.
Life can be so beautiful & so unkind. I have no answers but am so glad to have a community of people that understand how I feel.
Rant on everyone & never say sorry. We all have each others backs ️️️️
