Guilt & grief.

Dear Aunty Debs,

Please, please do not feel guilt for what you went through. What you (and others) have said about loved ones waiting until they are alone to let go, is true.

When my darling Annes' mother passed away (some 20 years ago), she had been in hospital for some weeks, with all of her (large) family visiting every day, all day. On the day that Anne had to fly south back to work after being there for 3 weeks (Mum expected to slowly recover), Mum talked to Anne, perfectly lucid. She went through the entire family, checking that every one of her children and grandchildren were in a loving relationship. Anne confirmed all of this to her Mum. Mum went to sleep and Anne had to leave the hospital for a flight to London.  Her Mum passed away before Anne landed. Anne's brother, a senior GP for more than 30 years, said at the time he had lost count of similar situations he had seen- people who are dying will hold on, trying to to prevent their loved ones seeing their death. Especially if they have a "happy" memory to go with.

It doesn't help us who are left behind. We may feel guilt, regret that "I should have done more" (even though we almost certainly couldn't), I should have done X Y or Z - but what difference would that have made if we are honest?

We are grieving the loss of our loved ones. Nothing makes sense anymore. Little things become insurmountable mountains. The emptiness. 

All we can do is try to remember the love we shared, not what the b****rd cancer destroyed. I am now 1 year into grieving. It is so very hard, but I try, every day, to remember the love, not the end. Sometimes I manage that for a minute or two. Then cry for what I have lost. 

You are not alone. It is hard. Keep posting here, reading what has been posted. We understand

Wishing you all the best

Chris

Thank you JealousOfAngels at the moment I find it hard to remember the love because after only 7 weeks it’s still very new. I’m so glad to have been able to keep him home with me & that he passed away in our home. We were supposed to be visiting his Mum on that awful day, even she said that she was glad he passed away at our home. The only respite I get from my pain is sleep, I have medication to help me sleep & im thankful for that, it’s the only time I’m not crying. I have great support from family & friends but I don’t think they quite understand, it’s not being lonely thats the problem, it’s being without him 

Sorry for your lost. Sending love ️ 

I know what you mean. As someone else posted on here posted a couple of months ago, Its not the loneliness that gets you, its the ALONENESS. I am not lonely, but I am trying to face up to being alone. No more shared memories. No more holding hands in bed, watching the colours of the sunrise over the mountains at 5 am.

Tonight, in 3 hours time it will be 1 year since my darling Anne was taken from me, just a few hours after the consultants told us she would be home from the hospice in a few days. Yes, end of life was coming, but not for another 3-4 months. Bleep bleep cancer was more aggressive than anyone knew and she died of a massive haemorrhage at 02:30 Saturday. At 03:03 I got the phone call and suddenly my world ended.

I feel guilty that I wasn't with her at the end (see my profile for a bit more detail if you want - I cant see the keyboard through my tears at teh moment). Then, knowing how she died, vomiting blood from a broken carotid artery, dying in seconds. I feel relieved I wasn't there. Then I feel guilt at feeling relieved. Relieved her suffering, her screams were ended, guilt I couldnt hold her hand at the end, guilt at feeling relieved., 

So screwed up.

Ive had a brilliant GP and mental health nurse, who have helped me over the last 8 months. Have now been diagnosed by the psychiatric unit at our local hospital with Traumatic Bereavement and PTSD. They said they cant provide any help on the NHS for at least 6 months (so take Prozac for 6 months), but the hospice called 2 days ago, and are starting me on face to face counselling / therapy for as long as needed, every week, starting in 10 days.

My sister has driven 450 miles up from Wiltshire to be with me this weekend - according to her Im an emotional wreck and cant be left alone this weekend. She says she will stay as long as needed. god bless little sisters, cos I dont think I could get through this weekend alone. So very tired (the nightmares are back, not sleeping), but cant face going to bed tonight. Just know that I wont be sleeping. Scared of the dreams. Scared of the memories of her last 9 months.

Oh My God, I miss you my love

I am glad you have got your sister with you, She loves you, and will look after you. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. You sound totally exhausted. Sending hugs. Kate.xxx

Oh Chris, 

I feel so much for you and I am “with” you, holding you in my thoughts as you cry. 
Sisters are great aren’t they? 
Me and my sister, who is older by 8 years, shared a bedroom before she left home and we spent most of our time bickering. 
Then when she left into the big wide world I cried buckets. There was that feeling of aloneness at night. An empty space, a new quiet that confused me. 
Sounds familiar!
Anyway, she has become such a source of support, comfort, advice and company this last year. 
From day 1 when she arranged for our motability car to be collected from the hotel we were in when my beautiful Valen was taken. To today when she hugged me and said she had left me a sandwich in the fridge. 

It sounds like your little sister is a kind person, looking after her big bro. 
xx

 JealousOfAngels i have just read your profile. Your wife was a very strong woman fighting through all she did & she was able to do that because you were by her side. I have no words to help but I am glad that you have decent help. I start a bereavement course at the end of the month, here in Cornwall it’s hard to get help. 
Please keep us up to date on your healing. 
Sending love ️ 

Hi Aunty Debs,

I can relate somewhat to all you say. My husband passed just over 2 years ago to bowel cancer and I remember his last days very well the bickering included but I knew it wasn't him it was the meds and the disease doing it all to him. He became bedbound at the end and wanted to pass at home but in the end he had to be admitted to hospital because he got a 4th bout of sepsis. Within that two weeks before he began to `rally` a bit would sit up in bed watching TV and scrolling through his phone then within days he took a dramatic decline. I never liked talking about `the end` and at times I must admit was in denial that he would get better and used to envisage all the things we would get back to doing when he got better but deep down I knew it was never going to happen. He passed in hospital just two weeks later after getting admitted again with the sepsis think that and the advancing cancer just finished him and he didn't want to fight anymore after taking everything they could throw at him for the two years he put up the fight. I never even realised he had passed and I was sitting right next to him he kept lapsing in and out of consciousness and I thought he had just fallen asleep again but realised when I nudged him and lifted his arm when I got no response after that everything just went into slow motion as if I was standing watching it happen to someone else but it was me. I wish you well moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x