Guilt & grief.

Hi Jkee!

I remember the `death noise` or `death rattle` as they call it very well just a continuous gurgling noise as if something is stuck and I think they can't even tell if you're there or not. I sat by Jays bed in the hospital and just looked at him and as you said they are not who they were. His eyes were closed and a little smile came across his face so maybe he did know I was there. Just keep wondering if he `went` when I was out of the room as I went down to the M & S outlet down at the hospital foyer to get a sandwich and drink for myself. This is something i'll never know I suppose.

People say they wait until you are not there, maybe that’s true, maybe they don’t want you to see them passing, unfortunately we won’t ever know & no matter when or how they go it will always be devastating for the one left behind

Yes, it is terribly painful. We are all suffering, desperately. I do know that I still would not change a thing. I would rather have experienced our pure love, than never experiencing that depth of love. Kate.xxx

I totally agree with you on that ️

We are all suffering horribly, torturing ourselves at times while grateful for the love we had. Guilt is a monster we all seem to be fighting. I am learning that however lonely and isolated we feel, that sense of being guilty and the only wretched person in the world feeling this,  in reality we all have so much in common. I also believe our partners would not want us to carry guilt on top of the horrific experiences we have had and which continue. I think its part of the package, the proof is in  reading what we are all saying. I hope as time goes by this particular feeling loses its intensity.  X

When I first came to this community I thought I was the only person who had the horrible, overwhelming guilt from things said in fear, frustration & anger at the cancer. I thank everyone who shared their experiences & pain with me & left me feeling not so alone. 
I have wonderful family & friends but they do not understand like you wonderful people do. THANK YOU ️

This is true Auntie Debs. He was lapsing in and out of conciousness so don't really know when he `went`. I just remember sitting watching the little TV in his room and nudged him but didn't get a response and when lifting his arm with still no response I think I knew then

Sorry for your profound loss, Aunty Debs. It’s a comfort, despite this awful pain, that your husband was at home, passing as he wished — with peace and dignity, still in the midst of plans and his life of love, partnership and shared activities with you.

I came on the Forum because I was thinking of my beautiful husband, a dancer of 53, who died 19 months ago, in hospital, from a haemorrhage caused by oesophageal cancer, in the middle of the night. I’d left him a few hours before, at midnight, and wasn’t with him when he died - something that left me bitterly sad. When I spoke about this to my 90-year-old aunt she consoled me: “because you just keep on living, trying to keep everything like life and hope alive by acting normally” — or, as the saying goes, “as long as there is life there is hope.” 

Earlier that day he’d had a minor bleed and the doctors swept in with “the end is near” pronouncements that were so upsetting. I told them to leave the existential questions for later but now he just needed a wash and his bed changed. My husband loved me for saying that. And so, although I wasn’t with him when he died, we had a very special last day together, where we both tried to keep everything as normal in this surreal, and impossible to process situation, as possible.

He was five years younger than me and had arrived in hospital, four months earlier, after collapsing on his way home from his work dancing so he was still a very fit and beautiful young dancer.

Basically from thinking about what you've written and trying to answer and think about my own grief I realise it is impossible to think about death when you are still alive and I think that is a beautiful, loving, and defiant thing. 

Take care xxx

So very sorry for your loss. Andrew was only 51 & we were planning on growing old & grumpy together  so I was going to keep fighting with him. I could see him getting more poorly but his defiance as you call it to fight the cancer was still there, I knew he was very tired but I think he stayed a bit longer for me. I am so very glad he passed away at home, I like to think I can still feel & talk to him here. 
Thank you for your words, I started group counselling yesterday but feel that this community has already been much more helpful than anything else. 
Love & thanks to you all ️

I have had a couple of difficult days.(Lots of sobbing through the night.). I woke up this morning and thought, “What would my darling, Paul say to me ?”. The answer would be, that he wouldn’t want me to be suffering like this, pining for him. As we know, the pain ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, I shall try really hard to get some enjoyment out of my day. I am glad your Andrew was able to pass at home, this must be a comfort to you. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx