Day in day out and the nightmare goes on. Its been 7 weeks now which I know isn't long (feels like eternity) . I'm so tired of facing this reality each day. A part of my brain is still hoping for it to get better but I can't see that ever happening. I am so tired of the unrelenting horrible reality each day and every night. He's not here except in my head. How can I carry on dealing with it. I feel like I'm in my own unreal real world and nothing can really help. It takes so much energy just to go from day to night, night to day. Don't get me wrong, I'm seeing people, doing stuff. But I feel like a freak compared to others in my life and I feel like I'm deceiving myself that I'm ok. I'm not ok. I'm tired. People say I'm strong and I'm doing really well. A friend says distraction is all very well but she worries I'm avoiding grieving. But I feel the crushing weight of grief. I used to be positive and happy. Now I feel like a rubbish version of myself. Just had to vent. I know you will understand. Thank you for being there.
So sorry for your loss. My beautiful man passed 7 weeks ago, I know how you feel, I am better on my own. I only see my sister & best friend because they don’t ask how I am. People worry that I am lonely, I tell them it’s not being alone thats the problem it’s being without Andrew thats the problem 
.
Mornings are the worst for me, I wake up every morning & think ‘here we go again’. I cry most of my day I’m glad to go to bed just for the relief from the tears. I have always needed medication to shut my thoughts down so I can sleep, just wish I could take the pills all day, they are a real help now.
People try & say the right thing, ‘he would want you to do that’, ‘he would want you to be happy’ but he was the one that I done those things with & he was the one that made me happy.
I feel lost & confused in a world I feel I don’t fit in anymore because I’m half a person now
I have done an awful lot of hiding over the past year. Behind cars, driving to a different village to get petrol, making sure the road is clear outside of the house, avoiding the pub, on and on it goes. It has been very helpful, as I don’t need to have the “Pity stare”. 
My only priorities are, to try and keep the house vaguely clean, pay the bills, walk the dog and support our two adult children. I also like sitting with a glass of wine on the settee. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx
People just don’t realise that talking about them is much more preferable than pretending they didn’t exist. It must be so hard for people who haven’t been through this to even start to understand or even know what to say. Luckily we have this community & we are all absolutely getting each others feelings 
G and T, prosecco or tequila sunrise for me!
