So sick and tired of this

Sounds like they were separated at birth with regards to the cooking thing Mrs VTThink Jay got his cooking skills from his mum too. Jeanie(his mum) was always making big dinners too. She used to make Jay bowls of steamed rice pudding which he loved. When he or his brother had friends visiting first thing she would ask apparently was `have you had your dinner`?? and she would be off making something for them if they hadn't. Yes his photo sits next to his ashes urn so he's `there` for me to still speak to from time to time. 

xx

Good to hear your mum is going to be ok MrsVT. I like TUC biscuits too the cheese sandwich ones moreso. Good for you though having a wee whisky after the day you had. 

xx

So, my week this week has been surprisingly good for a change. I put the car through it's 3rd MOT and passed with flying colours well with the exception of needing two new front tyres but that was all included in what I had to pay so was all still within my budget. I got a mamogram (breast screening) several weeks ago and that came back clear also. Took the dog to the vet yesterday and he got a clean bill of health too he has a few itchy skin issues but that has calmed down slightly too. Just reading some of your posts and I have become carer for my sister too now. She got bowel cancer just two months after Jay passed and in 2019 she had breast cancer both were caught early so could be treated and she is progressing well. She is still now though waiting on heart valve surgery. She also has learning difficulties and mental health issues. She came to me on Monday and said that there is someone coming into her flat stealing her clothes which is just not true. This has gone on for years and my mum and dad went through it with her as well. I have spoke to the warden a few times at her complex and she assures me that there is nothing going on like that. The person she speaks about apparently goes out to work every day so is out all day. and is never there when she says she is. She did at one time try to comitt suicide. I was only 6 years old I remember and came home from school one day and saw her perched on the window sill ready to jump off we lived in a top floor flat but luckily my mum just came in at that moment and was able to pull her back in. She was 17 at the time and had just lost her twin sister  to a brain tumour she's 74 this year and has been dogged with mental health issues all her days obviously relating back to that. She spoke of that again on Monday but I know she won't actually do it and just speaks about it so trying to get her some help just now and hoping once the heart operation goes ahead that everything will calm down. She is very deep and won't open up as to what it is that is bothering her. So other than this happening it has been a good week and I think Jay was there with me especially with his prized possession the car which I am doing my best to look after for him. So hopefully things are starting to look up for me slightly.

Blinking heck, it sounds like you have got your hands full. I have not been sleeping well recently, and I think it is impacting my mood. I have felt really low at times, and can’t seem to think of anything positive, although I know there are things.I have been getting a lot of replays of the wonderful experiences we had together. Yesterday, we were walking on the beach on the Jurassic Coast holding hands. This would have been 2023. It was so vivid. The sun was out, our border collie was running in and out the sea with excitement, and we looked at each other with love in our eyes. A perfect moment. No wonder I feel broken at times. Kate. Xxx

Hi Clazzz,

I could have typed those exact words. 7 weeks for me on Monday too. I wonder if Mondays will ever be the same. Guessing not as the harsh reality is our world will never be the same again. 

It has been a while since I have been on the forum as like you I have betraying to keep busy to distract but over the last week I have been isolating as the grief has been crushing. 

it is a horrible club that no one wants to join but please remember you are not alone despite how it feels and we are all here at the end of a keyboard when it gets too much. 

Thank you xxx I had a particularly weepy start to the day, well weepy doesn't really describe it, as I am sure everyone here knows, sadly. But I stood in my kitchen this morning and thought about all of you people probably doing the same or similar. There are a lot of us in this horrible club. I'm trying to focus on my diet to stay healthy as that is a positive thing to do. 

I know, I am the same today (have been all week). We just have to breathe through the grief and grab those very small slivers of peace between the waves.

Focus on your diet sounds perfect he would want you to take care of yourself and anything that looks remotely positive behaviour is a win. Hard though when there seems little point to anything. 

I know my hubby would be furious at my eating or the lack there of so have bought some meal replacements (finally run out of his) as he spent his life feeding me up. 

We can do this and will survive even if it doesn’t feel like it at times it is a cliche but they would want us to be ok so the only thing we can now do to honour them is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, 

At 55 it was way to early but then suspect I would feel the sane even if he was 95. I don’t want to carry on but know he didn’t set me up to fail and if he could fight as valiantly as he did so can I. 

sending love and hugs 

Well done. We have to keep on keeping on to honour them. You are correct. I think what would I have wanted him to do if I had gone first. And there is my answer. 

MrsEdb, 

exactly spot on, If they could fight with every fibre of the being so darn hard to stay as long as possible, then the least Incan do is fight to put one foot in front of another and keep taking steps. No matter how small. 
My beautiful Valen was the chef here. He so loved cooking for us. Concocting new curry’s and soups. We made a few videos of him showing me how to make our favourites. 
Can’t bear to watch them as they show how unwell he had become. How unsteady on his feet. His awful hoarse, rasping voice. 
And can’t be bothered to cook for just me. As you say what’s the point? Tubes of Pringles, packets of Tuc biscuits, rounds of toast, sachet of cheapo 25p full of e-numbers instant noodles. With the occasional “proper” meal of sausage roll or pasty or plate of chips. 
He would be horrified at my diet. 
So I to need to focus on mine. 

In 20 days it will have been a year since he was ripped from me. It feels like yesterday. 

You are worth taking care of, even though you you don't feel like it. Maybe you could plan one or two simple meals a week and cook them. Or plan some healthy sandwiches. Just a simple idea at a tme. I'd love to think of you nourishing yourself. ️‍