Funeral

I am so utterly fed up with it all. Probably anticlimax after all the frenetic energy preparing for the funeral and going through it. But it would have been nice for just one person  to invite me out tonight. Nobody has. I feel so alone. While they all get back to living their normal lives. I don't want to push myself onto other people and have to make the first move.  All that love yesterday and now I feel forgotten and abandoned. 

I understand. People don’t realise that you need companionship and affection. They probably think you are exhausted and want to sleep, or need time to yourself. It is highly complex, and our emotions change from moment to moment. It is extremely difficult and confusing to make sense of it all. Perhaps a pleasant glass of wine, and a chat on here ? Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

So sorry to hear how you're feeling. If you can, it might be helpful if you could be more proactive so that your friends (and only those who are truly friends) know what your limits are and what you can cope with. Personally, I haven't wanted to meet with other people or go out anywhere, and I want to be alone, but the point is, we are all different. Could you send an exploratory email to some close friends along the lines of ' I feel it would help if I spend some time with friends. Would anyone be available [time+place] ...

It could be that your friends are leaving you alone because they think this is the 'right' thing to do? I hope this isn't intrusive. We are all different in our reactions and our friends might possibly misread what you want?

Welcome to our new world we live in some folk will leave you be for a bit, some will check in now and again, some lovely folk may even bring you food I got the food parcels and soup from family as I just didn’t want to eat and just couldn’t be bothered to cook.

Some will really wind you up with the things they say thinking they mean well some just don’t know what to say. 

Tonight’s dinner I did was x 2 so I’ve got tomorrow’s or a meal over the weekend again when I’m working. Chicken roasted veg and wedges all quite tasty. Just come back from another walk and scoffed a cinnamon bun so I am eating better now but that’s down to some steroids I’ve been put on and I’m gaining a little weight with it unfortunately.

Eating alone is just awful I have found amongst other things that we all now experience on a daily basis.

I don’t intend to go out driving again tonight at 1am  hopefully that was a one off bit of rebellion. I’m not too proud of my actions last night. 

I didn’t want to see people as my husband and I did everything together he was my best friend also and we preferred our own company than having to attend a family get together or something  I hid away in the house painting and decorating the landing hallway and stairs and found it gave me something to do each day. Good old Amazon even delivered my paint. 

Through this jourmey or grieving you will find some really good people some new too who just know what to say and do and give you that hug you will need and who listen to you and support you. I wasn’t to keen on accepting the new path that our lives have to take but it’s just happening sadly and we’ve got try and get through it somehow. X

Thank you. I am pleased you understand.  I know really that I have people who love me, and I am feeling sorry for myself. 

I was actually considering going one better than you,  driving somewhere, anywhere and staying the night in a Travelodge!  But then I thought I would rather be in my own bed! 

That is my experience.  Everyone says I'm doing well. But inside I don't feel I am

The email is a good idea...

You will get to hate hearing that oh she’s doing ok, she’s getting on ok, dealing with it quite well really that’s because we have to pretend we’re ok. We’re not ok won’t be ok for some time may never be ok. 
ok we don’t have to pretend it’s good to share and talk but there are only limited people I can really tell my true emotions and what we’re going through and how crap it really is for us. 

that brings me closer to my next book it’s ok not to be ok sitting on the shelf waiting for me to start everyone on here has recommended it. 

I do have a little notebook book or journaling people call it - that I write in sometimes just words or how I’m really feeling or what I want how much I’m missing my husband some things I have shared with the counsellor. They need honesty if they need to help you. If things wind me up they go in  …it sort of helps !! 

Thank you. Yes I have a journal. Ive only written in it twice so far but think it may well help. I did have a phone call earlier and while the person was very kind and trying  to be honest and understanding - they didn't come out with platitudes- they said it was a sad truth I would have to get used to being on my own.  I know it's true but I didn't want to hear it and was crying. I just wanted them to ask me round ho their house and they didn't.