Funeral

Hi, you will manage it. It hard but you can do it. I got told how brave I was. At the wake afterwards, I was making sure everyone else was ok. So you can do it. Do not be proud if you need to cry then cry.

You will get through it. It may not seem like it now. It may not seem like it Tuesday. Or Wednesday morning. 
Wednesday evening you will not believe that you have got through this godawful day.

There will be an ocean of tears, but hopefully comfort and even some laughter. 
For my beautiful Valen there was some laughter in the church at my eulogy (intentional) when I mentioned his love of gadgets and gizmos and his cupboard with 22 charger cables. 
And more at his celebration after when stories were shared. Lots I had never heard before.

My Valen had sadly planned his own funeral, down to hymns, flowers, his ever after casket. Even the clothes he was to wear. 
It all helped my as I only had to plan the “afternoon of sharing of our love for Valen” as we called it.

The worst - seeing him arrive at the church, then crematorium, then the final song. 
Then when someone asked if I had a drink at the afternoon and I said without thinking “Valen will get me one”. There was a collective pause.

But there was so much outpouring of love for him. For us. It was amazing that people had so much to tell. 

That night was the first, and so far only night, that I have slept for more than 5 hours as I was totally and utterly exhausted.

Hopefully you will have people to support you, both mentally and physically. 
If you need to, take a step away for a few moments, for a breather on your own. Regroup. I found that helped, just a few minutes on my own.

We are here for you

Yes, you can do it. I felt strangely calm on the day. I had been up since four am that morning, cutting roses and thinking through the arrangements. What you are feeling is completely normal. Try and get some rest when you can. Even if it is laying on the bed,  when you can. We are here for you. Sending strength and hugs. Kate. Xxx

GhostLoveScore, MrsVT, Insanity Kate, thank you all for your kind encouragement. As I sat in the funeral car I remembered what you'd said. I did feel strangely calm, and I sort of felt Andy looking over my left shoulder and putting his arms around me through the day.  We had the most beautiful funeral with lovely words, stunning flowers and sublime music. I still can't believe my elder son and I managed to deliver our tribute, but we did. Back in December when we had the diagnosis I just knew we were heading for this. Eight months of knowing, and picturing it my mind whilst trying not to. Anticipatory grief is so hard. I didn't know how I would face it. It's incredible the strength that you can't imagine finding. But now, back to this new strange life...  I'm humbled by the outpouring of love showman to us by wonderful caring people. Now I hope I can sleep . I'm tired but still not sleepy. Xx

Shown not showman. Predictive text isn't as clever as it thinks!

Well done sounds like you gave him the best you could today it’s a very difficult thing to deal with.  There is a strength that we find from somewhere and you’ve been showing strength through his illness we just do it without thinking.  And hoping all the time they are going to get better. 

I didn’t have to go through with all that we just had the simple attended direct cremation I think my husband knew I wouldn’t handle it well. Plus his family is all over the place and abroad. They did all see him before he died. 

You will feel some relief now that is over. I can understand you’re tired but not exhausted.  

I’m 14 weeks on and am showing weakness - today has been a crazy day I’m wide awake, went for three walks today did some stretches before sleep, took a cup of sleep tea to bed none of that has worked for me today —- googled nearest open garage to me and went and got some petrol at 1am and a can of red bull awful stuff and a pack of cigarettes even worse I don’t even smoke. I came home went and sat in the garden looked at the stars, started the neighbours dogs barking and smoked two cigarettes and regretting it they stink I stink so washed all the smells off  and ate my last slice of pizza I made for my tea.
I’ve just done some weird things can’t explain it . The stars looked nice though your husband will be up there with mine somewhere now looking down on us. My husband wouldn’t be too pleased with me today I know.  

This new life we’re confronted with is challenging and tough and very different to what we’ve had but there is always someone here who will listen and help and support you 24/7. 

You don't even smoke! It's all quite crazy. I had to order a new inhaler last Friday as I realised I had gone four days not taking it and couldn't find it. As soon as I had the new one, I found the other one complete with its spacer in the fridge of all places. I went to meet family tonight and drove in completely the wrong direction even though I know the roads inside out. And the number of times Ive broken things lately. Its mad. I wish you strength. We are all bound to have some days when we don't feel like we're dealing with it well. But don't be harsh on yourself. You did deal with it and well done for looking at the stars, that was a good thing to do. Take care and bin those ciggies x  

It’s 2.30am. Half an hour ago I got dressed, got my bag. Walked to the top of the road. 
And then thought “what the hell are you doing you stupid stupid woman?! You can’t go for a walk in the pitch dark now!”. 
I wanted, really really fancied some fish and chips so I had gone out to get some. 
Because all the fish and chip shops will be open at 2am won’t they you idiot. Jeez.

But time is now irrelevant. Meaningless. 
Yes I go to my volunteer jobs at regular times and make it to my art classes on time. 
But the rest, it’s all a mashup. Topsy turvey. 

A few days ago I decided to do the weeding in our lovely little garden. Always my domain with a few ideas from my beautiful Valen, and he did the lawn. 
But the weeding got out of hand and when I finished I had completely cleared one border. 
Of everything. Weeds, flowers, a shrub. Now it’s bare and looks pathetic.

Our brains are so preoccupied with trying in any way possible to make sense of what has and is happening, to comprehend our loss, that we do things out of character, out of order, sluggishly,. Or down tools entirely. 
Thats how it is for me.

Definitely in the bin already outside for the refuse collection tomorrow what a waste of cash too

Driving is different I’ve gone the wrong way so many times too or is it just that we are so used to having our husbands with us driving or giving us the navigation instructions. Yes I said earlier today my breathing was bad probably just so wound up then I bought the cigarettes which are disgusting very much messed up today. Getting sleepier though and angry at myself again for being an idiot. 

I love it I’m not the only mad one fish n chips now though do sound good. 

Maybe there’s something happening here at least we can mention it on here and laugh about it too. Is this really classified as the grieving process or mid life crisis?