Funeral

They don’t know what you are feeling. We are all very good at pretending. Tomorrow, I will go to the village “Beer Festival”. I will circulate, chat, and enjoy the live music. It will be from Friday to Monday, and I will know many people. We have lived in the village for 26 years. I will only share on a certain level. People are frightened by death, and they don’t know what to say. I just laugh. They have no idea. When I have had enough, I will come home. It doesn’t really matter. It is just a distraction from the pain. Kate. Xxx

I think the question is why people are frightened by death and by talking about it? It comes to us all,even though we don't anticipate it or if it comes in a way that is unexpected. And even if anticipated, we can lose our beloveds in ways that are sudden. Or maybe we know to expect it, but our beloveds die before we expect it. 

But we lack the vocabulary to talk about it. Death. 

I think is quite basic. People are frightened by their own mortality. We are all born, and we all die. We just don’t know when. Before my husband died, it was not something we thought about. Yes, we do all have illness throughout our lives. If you are lucky, it is not serious.  We are all busy trying to make a living, support family and have a decent quality of life. Then comes the terrible shock. It could happen to anyone at any time. That is scary. The unknown, can be very frightening. Just my view. Kate. Xxx

You're right. X

I think also that those family and friends of ours who do have a husband, wife, partner, see us in our raw grief and think “there but for…..”.  
Then they can’t help but imagine themselves in our place. How would they react and act. Who would they have to support them .
They try and sympathise and empathise, but feel inadequate. 

I have had a few frank conversations with my sister, sister in law and 2 friends about if their husbands were taken to soon. They said that they have an insight now that it will be far worse than they imagined, Now to expect it to be worse than they imagined.

And they have all made new wills and got LPAS and got utilities in joint names etc. 

So if nothing else, I and my beautiful Valen, have pre-helped them.

Well done getting through it all Clazz. Yes strangely I was neither up nor down on the day of Jay's funeral. It was so surreal though seeing those funeral cars coming along the street and the undertaker coming to the door giving me my `Sunday name` Victoria it was if it was all happening so someone else and I was just standing watching it.  It was just all a blur getting into the cars and then getting to the crematorium and seeing all the people there Jay knew from years back. My son William wanted to do a eulogy I remember but in the end couldn't do it so he asked the celebrant to do it instead. The celebrant was English and we are Scottish (Glasgow) so he said to excuse him if he didn't get the pronounciation or `Glasgow speak` right that William had written so that was a little bit of humour there but he got through it ok. We made it all about Jay though stories about him. Lots of funerals like that now all the `holier than thou` stuff I think has gone out the window with these but each to their own and some still prefer it that way. At the wake I was able to get up and give a little speech so was quite proud of myself in doing that. 

xx

Thank you PattyK and well done. I know what you mean about the blur. I heard the funeral cars turn the corner of our road and arrive. I focused on the flowers and was surprisingly calm. Goodness only knows how. I visualised my husband standing behind me and looking over my shoulder. That thought just came into my head as I drove home from an early hairdressers appointment and it sort of comforted me at moments in the church. We made the tribute all about stories too, with some laughter. My elder son and I managed to do it (again I don't know how, and again well done to you for your speech at the wake) and the actual day though so deeply sad was somehow beautiful. I spent the evening with family and friends which was nice. The following evening was awful though. I felt lonely and abandoned and also extremely angry and upset that nobody had just turned up and taken me to their house for the evening. I didn't want to have to ask. I'm still trying to deal with that. I just didn't want to ask for company and I could have done. Instead I felt awful.