I would like to wake from this nightmare now please

It’s a book by Megan Devine called It’s OK not to be OK that has been read and highly recommended by quite a few on this forum.

Sorry just seen this had a more solid nights sleep took two sleeping pills instead of one and it made a difference woke up with migraine again though! I’m Down South Bournemouth. 

It's really weird PB even two years in I still imagine Jay is just away somewhere working and will be home say in a couple of days and something will happen and I say `must tell him about that when he comes back` and then I realise he isn't. Still sometimes expect him to come through the door and me waiting to say `guess what` and wanting to tell him stuff. Saw one of his work's vans when I was out the other day while stopped at traffic lights it was two cars in front of me but didn't get a chance to see who was driving it thought it may have been his big mate who stayed this side of Glasgow where I am but i'll never know. 

Just watched some of my wedding video photos I made years ago quite (good actually for me with funny comments my husband had added) apart from the fact I don’t think I should have I feel so much worse now !!  
Wanted to see something the other day then found my old laptop which I never use has no disc drive so ordered very cheap one which arrived today.
Sat sniffling my way through its ridiculous such happy moments but now just distant happy memories but also seems only like yesterday.
I need to get outta here and clear my head .!!  WHY DID I PUT IT ON ? Totally feeling crap now sorry  

I have looked at wedding photos, I have one looking at me. I have not watched the video again yet. As both Sue and my Dad ( he went on Christmas day) will be on it.

I have watched a couple of holiday ones,which upset me. To see her moving and hear Sue's voice is worth it to me. I would rather cry over a good memory, then a bad one.

Take care

That was brave. I can’t face old videos yet. I just drove back from shopping, and burst into tears whilst driving. It was a sad song and I couldn’t help it. Kate.xxx

I don't have any videos of Jay but plenty of pictures. I had canvas ones made up that I have up on the living room wall It's like him and our son through the ages from when William was just born in hospital right through to now being a young man. When my little granddaughter comes over she will say `that's my daddy and my papa` and then proceeds to ask where her `papa` is which I have told her about 100 times over but she's still so young and innocent but now knows her papa is with the angels along with her grandma (my daughter in laws mother). William said they told her that her papa and granny are two brightest stars you can see in the sky at night when the stars come out which was a lovely thing to say. 

It's strange, bloody washing again. Bringing it in,looked at the sky and cried. I can't believe your gone. Got her flowers  for tomorrow 6 crap months on this path. That made me cry. They are next to her ashes now. 26 weeks on Saturday. 8 years this weekend we moved up to our forever home. Now a house. 

I went to his grave today, to water and tidy it. It is a beautiful setting. I have done some tropical ferns, which are doing really well in the hot weather. I had a good chat for twenty minutes, cried, and then did the food shop. I expect that is what set me off later. It will be a year on the 4th August, and I need to think of a headstone. I will be there one day, with my darling. Part of me is looking forward to it, as I won’t feel the pain anymore. Kate. Xxx 

Last night I heard Sandi Shaw singing Always Something There to Remind Me.

Its so true to how I, and I think many of us, are feeling, even though it was written with a different story in mind.
The chorus goes;

Oh how can I forget you,  When there’s always something there to remind me.
I was born to love you, and I will never be free, You’ll always be a part of me.