I realised that I have just spent the last 90 minutes sitting staring at a) 2 pictures of my beautiful Valen b) the turned off t.v screen and c) one of those Chinese arm waving cats that we called The Happy Cat.
I had a lovely day yesterday and this morning with my sister. It was her village show.
Her husband encouraged me to enter a couple of my pictures - 2 watercolours and a collage.
Very much out my comfort zone, never done anything like that before.
I only started doing “art” a few months after Valen was ripped from me.
I find it mindful and engrossing and takes me away from the horror that is now.
Much to my, and to be truthful I think their, surprise I got a first and a highly recommended.
I was so amazed and excited and proud.
And I spun round with my certificates and called out “Look Buba, look!”.
And so the darkness pulled me back to reality and sucked all the joy out again with a punch to the gut.
My sister saw immediately and got me out the marquee while I was still in that moment of stunned before the tears.
Every damn time. Every time something good, or joyful and happy happens the guilt, which I know it is, at least for me, drags me back into this nightmare.
Can I not have at least a few hours without feeling the guilt.
I know he would be quietly but immensely chuffed, so why am I feeling so damned by it,
I literally pinch myself to see if I’m awake. Which horrifically I am.
Sorry, I know most of us feel this way.
That we are in a living nightmare.
That’s beautiful. I don’t know why it is so bad today. I have a bad stomach ache, and my throat keeps closing up. I am trying to stop myself crying, because our adult children are still at home. I am trying to give them hope and consistency. It is so bloody hard. Kate. Xxx
Oh Kate,
We had no children so I have no one at home to protect from my trauma. From my tears, my screams, my anguish, my anxiety.
My grief.
I dont need to hold back. I can let rip anytime I need to at home.
I do not envy you, or anyone else, who has to look after and shield anyone living with them.
When I’m out volunteering or doing a class I am keeping busy and occupied and my brain, nor my heart has time to think.
When I’m with my family or friends I know I can leave and go home and be on my own to sob anytime I want to.
It does mean my mornings and evenings are full of aloneness and silence and this is when I do most of my crying. Without anyone to give or get a hug from.
It does also mean no one sees me literally banging my head against the wall trying to knock some sense into me.
Or to tick me off for having a Twiglet sandwich for my supper,
It’s the feeling of always teetering on the edge, of what I’m not sure. But a sense of being on a precipice that is terrifyingly inviting.
Im glad Im seeing the mental health nurse tomorrow.
I need to go somewhere too. . All.my friends are away for August, and freshly bereaved as I am, I just want to be somewhere else away from our stuff. Has anyone else got rid of things quickly, or slowly or ...bit of both? I feel I need to put it all away right now as it hurts to see things. And a video?? Nooo wayyy. So well done, being upset is OK maybe you needed a good vent of emotions. X
I understand. Sometimes, I can barely breathe with the intensity. The loss, literally takes my breath away. I just want my husband, and I can’t have him. Kate. Xxx
So,today is 6 months since my wife went away. I am sat alone,wishing I could talk to someone, but I don't want to burden people, who don't understand.
I just feel so tired and lonely. I walked up to my local church and lit a candle and cried. I have cried a lot today. I just feel like going to bed. I want the impossible, what we all want. I know it's up to me,but I just don't see the point at the moment. I have made it to 6 months, which is good. Sorry just having a sad ramble.
You are not having a sad ramble. You are in pain, as are the rest of us. Thank goodness for the crying. It is a release. I spent a lot of yesterday crying, and went to bed at 4.30am. I met a friend for coffee [also bereaved], and went back to bed. I slept solidly for three hours. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see to drive. I do feel better after the sleep. Do what you need to. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. Kate. Xxx
Tomorrow is 10 months since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me.
I have just come back from a very cathartic hour long session with my GPs Mental Health Nurse. It’s was my 2nd appointment with her.
I cried, talked and laughed with her.
She let me talk about Valen. Let me ramble on.
I was able to express my despair. My disbelief. My confusion. Exhaustion. Fear.
About wanting to run away. My speeding fine. Waking nightmare the other day when I got him ready for a nap.
She was really good at reassuring me that this is normal for grief.
That I act like he is still here as my brain can’t comprehend he isn’t. So it’s easier for me to act like he is than he isn’t.
We ended with hear saying I’m actually doing very well.
And I told her that I felt I would be disrespectful to Valen if I didn’t go on.
Feeling pretty calm!
That’s brilliant, and helpful to the rest of us. Maybe, we aren’t all going nuts.
You do feel like you’re going a little crazy the running away and the walking around not really knowing where I’m heading and without our partners. I was such a lucky lady having him as my husband. He was always there supporting me…
I went to hospital today early for my blood test and went and sat in the new sanctuary for some quiet time it’s a new place a chapel for everyone someone came in sat next to me said a little prayer or two themselves then kindly said to me hello am I ok? It was a chaplain I answered yes no and explained I used to come in here before my husband went to the hospice just for some time out. I was actually hoping for some miracles to happen for my husband but that didn’t happen!!
And guess what tears came just talking to her they offered me some time but I had to leave for my appointment. Such kindness offered from so many people which again is lovely but it doesn’t help our pains and sorrow.
Managed to make a meal tonight though that wasn’t involving a microwave - Lincolnshire sausages with a honey glazewith Boulangere potatoes and onions in oven and peas all went well till I put my finger in the frying pan and burnt it!!! (Leftovers will be microwaved tomorrow after work.)
The dreaded words were mentioned this morning to me re Christmas in a phone call I had already decided I was going to be working most of it rather than spend it like usual with happy families just haven’t told work yet. That is bad for me to want to be at work than doing the norm surely my family can understand that???
I have had something else forced on me today that is going to make things difficult for a few days next month I’m already feeling wound up about!!
Let’s get this weekend over and done with shall we !!
Sending hugs. You sound very brave. I am having an early night, to read. Supper sounded tasty. Kate. Xxx
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