I would like to wake from this nightmare now please

I’ve also been surprised by how much I talk to Valen. 
I kinda knew I would talk to him as I always waffled away to him, whether he was listening or not. and you can’t change a habit of a lifetime as they say. 
But some days it’s a near constant stream. 
I always end the day, whatever time it is, by resting my hand and my head on his casket with 3 kisses and “mind the bed bugs don’t bite” (by the way, if you have an Alexa say to her “Don’t let the bed bugs bite” her response never failed to make Valen laugh!}

I started keeping a notebook almost from the start and wrote in it daily. Looking back sometimes the pages are blurred from the tears and sometimes I have been so angry my pen almost ripped through the paper. That has tailed off a lot as I was just writing the same thing day after day.
I also started an Achievements Book. I did that for about 2 months then got p***ed off as why should I be almost celebrating these little or big achievements when they are only achievements because he has been taken from me. So that’s stopped. 
Then my GP suggested a Gratitude Diary where each day I write something I am grateful for. 
I still do this a few days a week - even if it’s just I’m grateful it rained today as I can’t be bothered to water the garden.

And I am so glad you went to the service.
That must have taken quite an effort to walk through the door. It was brave of you. And on your own. 
I had my sister for support at the candlelit Suffolk Remembers evening where I had a candle for my beautiful Valen.

I love the idea of taking some anger out on those tennis balls, that could be very therapeutic!

I'm having a family weekend.  My daughter is graduating in Brighton . I am in a b&b with my eldest.  The rain just woke us up.. then I asked if I'd shouted out (I had had a familiar  nightmare) and she said yes, but I think you were working it through. 

I cried , and told her no, it was horrible going through it... Nick would wake me up. Now I'm thinking something else, he also,  isn't there to wake me up from bad dreams , stroke my back and make everything better. Even when I'm asleep, the how do I cope  nightmare continues.  Now I'm unable to distract myself and thinking of his last moments alive.  Don't you just want to fast forward a few years and get off this carousel. 

Hi MrsVT, 

 You were probably tired. You had,had a busy day. Probably wearing the mask. I was putting clean bedding on yesterday, but most of the time  I was cuddling Sue's Teddy bear which I put one of her t-shirts on.

 I rang both my sisters on Friday, hopping for a pick me up. Instead they both said different things to upset me. They are both divorced, so they do understand this path.since then I have felt even more alone if possible. 

I wish I had my teddy bear [husband]. I make do with an old fleece, that I bunch up and cuddle during the night. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Well I'm sat outside bereavement peer support coffee evening breathing deeply really feeling pretty negative and nervous about it but I will do this just walk in no one knows me I hope! 

Wish me luck ! 

I wish you so much luck and sending you some bravery hugs xx

Hi there, How did the Bereavement Support Coffee evening go ? I am considering going to a group on Friday, but feel quite nervous about going. Being vulnerable is so difficult. Kate. Xxx

I went in it to reception and saw a room with people in it and a table and I stepped back out again kind oh what am I doing moment ! I spoke to the receptionist and said is that the bereavement group she said yes they are a lovely bunch but my panic had set in. Then I was introduced to the lady covering the group it was her first time to and she made me coffee and we went in together two newbies. 

There was only four other women and me all round a very big table biscuit’s in the middle I thought this is not for me a formal but I stuck with it stayed quiet for a bit they all knew each other but gradually I warmed up and chatted. The person covering just chatted there was no structure very informal I maybe thought there would be some help or guidance it was just like people out for a coffee.

Perhaps I’m looking for a bit more than this as I was never one for coffee with the girls

May attempt one more in a months time and see how that one goes. 

I was clearly the youngest one there 54 others late 70 and 80s .

Not sure if this is going to benefit me in any way but I was out of the house, I was talking, did cry tears but everyone is in the same boat but they didn’t cry but assure me they do at home. 

I did not find it easy but this weeks been a strange week I’ve done three things I would never have done before especially on my own or hadn’t needed to do but I think I’ve taken too many steps this week as they say one step at a time.

I have probably done too much…

massage aromatherapy ,memorial service , bereavement meeting.

I woke up with migraine did sleep a little better as I took extra sleeping pills got to head to work now but still pondering about last night. 

In all honesty I think it could have been better it lacked something or am I expecting too much or was it the fact the usual lady wasn’t there.  

everyone was friendly and I think pleased to see a new face but WHAT THEY ALL SAID ALONG WITH A COUNSELLOR CONVERSATION the other day WAS ITS STILL EARLY 10 weeks today !!

I would say go give it a shot,  try again maybe as others have said.

Be brave and go for it let us know how it 

I have just looked up the dates for our local group. They meet once a month, rather than weekly. The next one is the 8th August. That could be good timing, as it will be a year since my darling passed on the 4th August. Courage comes in many forms. I have to keep forcing myself to try new things. Kate. Xxx