I would like to wake from this nightmare now please

I’ve postponed the first aid training. 
To be honest, the thought of the CPR part horrifies me.

So much has happened in two years I want to tell Jay but he's not here for me to do that. But I just try to content myself that wherever he is, he is seeing what has been going on a approves how well I have managed so far without him

I wasn't going to post this because I thought no way will anyone believe me after seeing your post, but as I'm awake when i shouldn't be...so here's what it was yesterday, my clothes airer also broke! Unbelievable. it must have come out in sympathy with yours, of course on the day it's tipping it down with rain when I need it. I just half laughed and thought of you, i couldn't even get angry. I find these days I rarely react anymore as theres always something, takes too much energy and doesn't change anything. 

Now here wide awake wondering wtf...

Maybe our other halves are in cahoots! 

it’s strange how we are now reacting to things. 
Everything seems out of proportion. Either I’m surprisingly calm, surprising to not only me but those who know me. 
Or I blow things up and make bad decisions or panic or get incredibly angry. 
I thrown things, kicked doors, ripped or cut things up, destroyed the garden. 
I spoke to my GP about my anger issues, hence extra counselling. 

I had to apologise to mum yesterday for berating her for something then later realising I was utterly in the wrong. Poor mum.

Hope you managed a bit more sleep xx

That sounds like me too PB. I now find that things I used to get really annoyed at previously even petty stupid little things I just find myself shrugging now and saying `whatever`. I do still get riled up about stupid little things and going off in a tangent but then find they have a way of sorting themselves out and that's when I think Jay is somewhere helping to sort it for me. It's nice to imagine that your loves are still around somewhere lending a hand. 

xx

Thats me too MrsVT. I tend to get things out of proportion too at times and then realise after it the whole issue was nothing to get worked up about in the first place. 

Ha! ️I wouldn't put it past him, he could be a bit of a prankster. We used to prank each other.

Everything is out of proportion and what seemed familiar now also feels so alien.

I can get really angry too that I want to smash things up, I think what stops me is my slight ocd-ness in not wanting to have to deal with the aftermath and mess. I'm surprised I haven't burst a blood vessel before now!

Ah, I'm sure your mum appreciated your apology x

I did get to sleep at about 3.30 for a few hours  fml...

Am I actually at last loosing the plot?

We had a small family lunch at my nephews today which was lovely. Sad, but jolly. 
It was a long day as it took half hour to drive me and mum to my sisters, then just over an hour to my nephews. And then back again. I know mum was tired when I got her home just after 6.  

I got home, pootled about then about 8 went to the bedroom and had a conversation;

”You must be tired now. You get in your jimjams and do your teeth while I get the bed ready and you get in. 
There, that must be better. You settle in and I’ll get you4 kindle. 
Do you want the radio on? Which station? There you go. (At this point I put Classic FM on). 
I’ll just go and watch tv for a bit, I’ll have it done quiet. 
If you need anything just shout, but I won5 be long. 
Give us a kiss”  (At which point I kissed his pillow). 

Then I came and sat down and stared at the wall for half an hour then I let out a yell of NO and been sat crying off and on rest of the night. 
Never done anything like that before. 
Yes I talk to my beautiful Valen all the time. 
I pat his side of the bed or sofa. 
Kiss his picture when I leave the house and go to bed. 
But never behaved like he was actually, physically here. 

Is this just another manifestation of the deep loss? 
Im seeing the Menatl Health nurse on Friday - think its just as well!

I don't know maybe you had had a family day and you just wanted to let him know and talk to him a bit more than usual 

I have found i talk more to him than I ever expected I would but feel so comfortable doing so.

Friday and Saturday evening I just sat hugging his memory cushion I had made from one of his favourite shirts weeping .

Although I did read a grief observed by c s Lewis and found a lot of my thoughts and questions are the same if not similar to his only a short book but very interesting that he initially published it under another name until his death it was changed .

It's funny as I have a notebook that I write my thoughts feelings sometimes what's happened or really getting to me I don't think if like my scribbles published but In a way they are it's on here .

I just can stare at the fan going round or pace about or I try relaxing with candles and cushions but nothing even those sleeping pills don't help.

I'm sure it was very stressful today running everyone about putting that brave face on today and when home it's a relief you can do what you want then your not going mad.

I attended a memorial service today for all those who had died and the families should they wish to attend that the hospice had organised.  Smartened myself up and turned up just a short simple service I'm glad I went on my own having to get used to that. Was invited to light a candle and his name was called out but I was not brave enough to speak. Quick cuppa talked to no one then escaped to my car and told my husband all about it and said he would have liked that and I know he would have been pleased that it went and did it despite taking some large sips of indigestion gavixscon and migraine tablet to try to sort myself out beforehand!

Just a few hours before in the morning I had been on a walk and ended up talking to a lad the tennis coach at our local courts he was waiting for his class to come don't know him but he was very kind and offered to come and give me a hug as I had started crying again when I said we my husband and I used to hitcsome balls in the past up here. It ends up that I may take him up on a hitting session I think something like that to get some anger or emotions out on a tennis ball mat help. I will just say I'm a beginner really and I'm lucky to get hits in but again this is almost progress for me and it's like a message sent from my husband saying just do it he bought me membership one year for my birthday!! 

This is to long sorry Im awake thinking I'll get a cuppa now then hope I can settle down again