I would like to wake from this nightmare now please

Thankyou.. x

Well now the clothes prop has snapped.  
We have 2 and the other snapped in the same place yonks ago but my beautiful Valen managed to fix it with reams of gaffer tape and glue. It looks awful, but works. 
Can I fix this one now? Can I heck. It riled me so much that I couldn’t do a simple repair. And that he isn’t here to do it. So I got hacksaw to it and it’s now its in the bin in 5 pieces. 
And now I’m annoyed that I have to buy a new one. 

So I’ve been sitting crying over a broken clothes prop for over an hour. 
Bloody pathetic. But I just cant help it.

Everything is so skewed, out of proportion, out of my control. My brain gets so woolly and scrambled that I can’t think straight. 
I’ve said yes to doing 2 things next week on the 2 days I don’t volunteer. 
And now I’m saying to myself “why did you do that!” 
I know I need, want, to keep busy, but I know that I also need time to myself.
Just myself. If only to hoover. 
But I can’t now turn round and say to the young autistic girl I said I’d have coffee with I can’t as she was so excited I said yes. 
And the other is a first aid training day. Maybe I’ll have to say no to this.

It's amazing how the little things can get to us.

Yesterday I looked at the clock and thought I need to get Sue her meds. 

You have to do what's right for you and look after yourself. You are not pathetic we are grieving. 2 hours sleep last night taking to Sue and reliving that night. 

Take care

I need counselling which isn't a friend.  I've no idea who to ask and presently can't pay for it either.   Are you talking to anyone?.. 

My doctor helped me to get counselling  through a local hospice. It didn't cost anything. So I would probably have a word with your doctor. 

Oh I'm sorry, sometimes it feels like we just can't catch a break right?

When you wrote gaffer tape that reminded me of my love, he was a dab hand at fixing things with that too.

It's not pathetic, you're hurting and allowed to vent.

Control, for someone who needed to be in control and now feels so out of it I totally understand how fragile you feel.

Would the girl understand if you rescheduled? Can you do the training another time when you feel more up to it? I understand not wanting to let her down, or maybe meet her and do the training another time, break it up?

You have to do what's right for you and what you can manage at the moment. Maybe you'll feel different tomorrow or next week but go with what you feel x

Like ghostovescore says speak to your GP. There's also a website called at a loss who do online counselling, I've been toying with idea but haven't done anything about it yet, the website has lots of other things too, workshops, resources etc. If you have a local maggies I think they do counselling too, my local is at a hospital which I can't bear the thought of going to so haven't explored that option.

The hospice in which my husband died offered support to me from arrival day. Didn’t think I’d need it then ! Was more concerned with getting my husband sorted. 
The bereavement team dealt with me within the hospice one day made it clear they are there for me to. I wasn’t thinking about me then. They have been in touch with me with regular weekly calls some at great length then did an assessment and confirmed it will officially start next week a new counsellor sadly.

I also work part time and a company offers free counselling for employees so am waiting to speak to them too on Monday.

There is help available you need to know where to start to though.

Classic example for me last night really bad night restless slept good for about one and half hours then wide awake and I’ve been started on sleeping pills which aren’t working! So picked up my new book C S Lewis a grief observed and started reading it’s so short I’ve nearly finished it my kind of book as I don’t ever read apart from the news on iPad. I find it hard to get settled into things.

The book asks questions that I’ve been asking. Some bits lose me especially at 2am in the morning but that probably all explains why I have no motivation today yet. 

I showered with intention of having an early walk and getting some fresh air and exercise but made a lemon drizzle tray bake instead  which was only to use up some eggs and lemons and now I’m sat in bed need to snooze soon . The cakes was a regular Saturday treat when I wasn’t working my husband loved them but they are wasted on me so I will give some to family when I visit . It upsets me thinking he can’t eat it WHY DID i make it????!!!!

So good luck and find someone who can help you and listen to you. 

Definitely GP is a good place to start. 
Mine arranged the local wellbeing to call and I accepted Art Therapy as that was only a 3 week wait instead of 8! 
And in the end that was 12 weeks of 121 face to face meetings with more therapy, well me crying and talking, than art. 
That finished and I was ok for a month then everything got to much again. 
So I called the surgery and asked to talk to the mental health nurse, every surgery should have one. 
I had a 90 minute face to face 2 weeks ago and have another next week. 
She also arranged for me to have an assessment on my depression and mental state and I am now on the waiting list for CBT sessions and she sent me links for lots of online courses and tools. 

So I think it would be good if you could take the plunge and call your GP

My Art Therapy was at the local St Elizabeth Hospice. 
My beautiful Valen never made it to needing the hospice so it didn’t hold any connotations for me. 
But on that first session I got there, got to the front door and just froze. 
I stood outside the door and cried. 
I was about to turn round and go sit in the car when one of the receptionists came out with a cup of water and some tissues, led me to a bench p, sat me down and sat with me till my crying lessened and I told her what I was there for. 
She said she’d let the therapist now I was here, take my time and come in when I was ready. 
She stressed that if I didn’t want to go in then that was ok to. 
She calmed me so much that I followed her in and had a cathartic hour with the therapist. 
The same receptionist was there every week and on the last session I gave her a little crochet bunch of flowers (not done by me, I can’t crochet for toffee!).

So though every week was difficult to go in, I took deep breathes and did it.