Ranty rant rant!

We should create a Kibbutz in a field

Sorry need to rant.

Sue's best friend what's app me yesterday. First time in over a month. She asked when I was coming down, so we could all go out for a meal in our group like we used to.

 I am sorry but I have not seen any of them since Sue's funeral in February, and do I want to be sat in a group of married couples. I would be the one at the end of the table crying,  and after two hours I would have to go to a lonely hotel room. Then travel back home on train on my own to an empty house. I just am not ready for that yet.

I know the house is empty, but it still has are memories in it,both good and dreadful. 23 weeks tonight and I am struggling. 

Yes, that is extremely thoughtless on their part. That will just re-enforce the loss. They probably think they are being kind, but it is not helpful. Self-preservation is the key. Do what you need to do, for you. I have thrown myself into clearing the garage. I have had a difficult week, and am trying to give myself a good kick up the backside. We shall see. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

Sorry you're having a bad week as well.

Made myself do the housework this morning. I just wanted to make sure it was not me. The pariah club is still open.

I get that Ghostlove

This is a whole new ball game engaging socially with other people now without feeling like a `spare part` where you were once part of a couple. Being a natural introvert Jay was always my safety net in things like that. He would talk to anybody and everybody and I would just sort of hover in the background. Felt it at my son's wedding back in February I sat with my sister and her two friends and my cousin and her friend it was like the the `singles` table. My cousin and her friend are widowed like myself and my sister and her friends are all single like `old maids` if you like never been married etc. Jay was never a one for social gatherings but he would go just to `show face` many of the social events we went to together he knew most of the people there anyway. This is something now I need to think about when invites (which are very few) come my way because I don't have my safety net anymore. 

xx

No, it is not you. We are all doing our best, in extremely difficult circumstances. The first dump run is done, hoovering, a mini-shop, washing out, dishwasher loaded and a lovely Belgian Bun as a treat. Time for a nap. Kate. Xxx

My beautiful Valen’s sister messaged me saying that she, their parents and brothers were coming here on the 1 year mark to have a mass said on that day at the church he had his funeral at. They’ve arranged transport.
And could I bring him along to be blessed please.

Im glad I deleted my first response to her! 
No, I said. We, as in Valen and I, are not, absolutely not, doing anything remotely celebratory on that day. 
The day I relive over and over and over of him being ripped from me. Why would I want to celebrate that???
Secondly, we won’t be here as I can’t bear the thought of being here on that day, so we are going to Wales. 
Thirdly - why didn’t you ask me first? 

Like Kate says - self preservation is kicking in!

Unbelievable, talk about insensitive, and presumptuous. I bet you were steaming. It will be a year, on the 4th August for me. Some people at the pub have suggested that we meet up and have a toast to my darling, Paul. No thanks, this is a private occasion, and I won’t be sharing that with you. You didn’t even come to his funeral, so bog off. Our son and daughter and myself will be laying flowers, and then we will be going for lunch out of the village, with our border collie, Jack. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I an sorry mrsvt. I can understand you being angry. 

 I upset one of my sisters the other day.  I told her I would not want any cards or anything for my birthday next year. She said why, how can I celebrate my birthday when the next day will be the 1 year mark of Sue going.

My wedding anniversary was last month 21st June two days before Jay passed. My sister- bless her! wanted to get me an anniversary card and present- thought she was doing well and I said to her `why`? wedding anniversaries are a non event for me now. She looked really offended and I felt really guilty because I kind of flew off the handle with her and then a couple of days before the anniversary she just wished me `Happy Anniversary`.