What am I doing?

Well it’s 2am and I’ve just finished the ironing. Thats 1 thing off my expanding to do list. 

I have been crying more this last week than I have for a while. 
The missing my beautiful Valen has intensified with the turn in the weather and it getting darker earlier. 
I am sitting staring at the floor or wall for longer periods. 
I even went and sat in the car in the driveway for nearly half an hour at midnight. No idea why.
My irritation levels with people has risen and I am having to bite my tongue more. 

Just feeling numb. 
The only feeling I do have is overwhelming and unbearable bone deep, heart deep sadness. 
A few weeks ago I could see light, these last few days it’s all dark again.

I know I will come out of it again and make some more baby steps onwards. 
I’ve done it before, I can do it again. Just stuck in the mud at the moment.

The only ?? Not sure what word I am looking for … is that I am not alone.  
Sending a hug x

It is interesting that you have mentioned that “Your irrigation levels have risen”. I agree with you. It is my birthday on Monday, and I went out with three close girlfriends whom I have known for over 30 years. I was very careful not to talk about the past year, (as I need to pretend, as it is socially acceptable.) I was fine until one of them said that, “I should be getting over things, now.” I completely lost my temper, and started shouting at her. I mentioned feeling really low and not wanting to be here. I then stormed out of the restaurant and caught the bus home. I am finished with people judging me. If I end up a social pariah, so be it. Kate.xxx

Irritation levels, not irrigation. Lol

Hi everyone, 

 As I said before, I feel like I've been going backwards. I thought it was just me, and thinking there is something wrong with me.

As you start to doubt yourself, but thanks to people on here. I realise, I am not alone.

I think sometimes we push ourselves to hard, to be normal ? ,but we have had are world ripped from us. We are doing the best we can. This is are journey and we have to do what is best for us. Friday and Saturday I cried a lot more than usual.  I should not feel bad about that, I still love Sue.

Take care 

Of course you love your Sue. You always will. I am genuinely doing the best I can. Unfortunately, at the moment this rage seems to overtake me. It is just below the surface. I have to work very hard to stay positive, and not fall into the pit of anger and despair. I seem to react quickly when people say insensitive or ignorant things. My bullshit barometer is very low. Hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Insanity Kate

Gosh I for is proud of you for doing that I have been alone all week cried buckets walked the dog miles just talking out loud to Simon crying. Week before I reached out filled my day with friends family no one even mentioned Simon I was bringing him to conversation family said have you got anything cherrful to talk about I lost it after sitting listening to them talking about husbands holidays one of my sister's even said she was out at pub the night before her hubby was out so stayed out later as didn't want to go back to empty house I just said I know how that feels daily she just said why that then. I have made my mind up never again they didn't visit before only once in 4 months so why put myself through the upset. Friends have gone odd emoji sent to me a love heart or thinking of you even my grown up kids have stopped getting on with their lives which I know Simon would have wanted them to do just me and the dog then x

I hear you re the rage and the low bullshit barometer. 

I also seem to have lost skills in things I was really good at before which is beyond frustrating x

That’s so true about pushing to be “normal”.

It’s been just over 1 year since my beautiful Valen was ripped from me and as everyone else around me has got on with their own lives I sometimes expect myself to get on with mine. 
But what is my life now other than grief?

I plaster that Stepford Wife smile on my face and say “I’m doing OK. As well as can be expected. Thank you for asking” whilst screaming and ranting behind the mask. 

It’s a double life. 
In one life / universe I eat 3 meals a day, cooking a proper main meal. Go to bed at 10pm. Go out every day. 
In reality I eat rubbish once a day, go to bed at 3am and sometimes spend all day sitting on the sofa staring at the floor. 

I go through manic phases of cleaning and gardening. Then become so lethargic, so “what’s the point” that I don’t let anyone through the door. 
Is this me now?

Oh dear kate

That was a bit crass of your friend to say that. Hands up I used to say things like that too but until it actually happens to you personally you don't know. How do they think you should be `over things now`? People grieve at different levels some can get over it in weeks, months but for some it can take years and for some they never get over it. I don't know where to put myself just now. I think I am somewhere in the middle I've accepted he's gone but at times still can't comprehend it. Some people just `open their mouths and let their belly rumble` as my mum used to saymaybe your friend didn't think she was being insensitive but on this instance was. Take care.

Vickyxx

Hi Jkee!

Oh some people can be really insensitive and so full of their own importance and its usually family members at that. I don't talk about Jay much either because I feel no one is interested. I still get the odd person now and again asking how I am but that's about it. William never seems to talk about his dad either and I think he just remembers Jay in his own way. I will still remind him sometimes of the things him and his dad used to do but he just gives a nod as if he remembers but thats about it. Met one of my old neighbours a couple of weeks ago and she gave me the hugest hug and asked how I was. Jay used to go about with her husband's brother so she knew him well and her and her husband and family practically lived next door to us 20 odd years ago. I'm like you too Jkee just me and the dog. 

xx