Losing my husband

Hi there, you are welcome. I have received so much kindness and understanding on this forum. I decided that I would stay on here, and try and support others who are going through this horror. Sending hugs, Kate. Xxx

1. My husband passed 11 days ago in local McMillan hospice aged 78 . I don't know at the moment how I will get through this I'm 54. We had nearly 30yrsrs together and did everything together. Looking at photos from this time last year I would never had said we'd be in this situation now.  I was with him at the time and it was so peaceful but also so quick. How I wish we had some more time together. I feel lonely and sad and start crying for silly reasons and go to bed around 8pm then sleep for a while then about 5 hours later I'm wide awake. I feel I want to talk but not to family. With family I pretend I'm ok !

Hello Toosoon, this was like reading my own story. My husband was 70 and I am 51, like you we were a team. We had no children and I feel so alone but put on the mask and tell people I am ok. I don’t want this new life but see it looming ahead of me, like a huge black hole.  It is 4 weeks today since I lost him and it feels like yesterday, it is brutal. I did read a brilliant thing which gave me another thought process which starts with ‘perhaps he was never meant to be my happy ever after but I was HIS…’ I would never swap his love and our life together and I will carry this pain as it means that he never had to. Does this make sense? Lots of love xx

So sorry, it's so painful isn't it, I spent 47 years from 16 with my husband, we married when I was 17 and I cannot remember a part of my life now that we didn't share, but as painful as this is I will always be grateful for those years, it's only been 7 weeks tomorrow but it already feels like a lifetime, and pretending to everyone that you are surviving is exhausting, crying on your own at night seems to be the only time I am truly honest with myself that I am so broken, lost and empty, they leave such a hole in your life and heart so this is such a relief sometimes to be able to express what you carry inside to people who just understand, keep talking it helps,sending love.

Hi It does and it doesn’t make sense it’s Saturday night I’m in bed crying now and writing on this whereas weeks ago we’d be watching something together on iPlayer or something or talking or holding hands or discussing where we are going to go tomorrow on my day off for instance organising and planning a picnic or something now today I’ve spoken to no one apart from a shop worker in tescos asking about the next flower delivery. On Tuesday is the direct cremation and I will be making a little arrangement for my husbands coffin with some shop bought and some flowers and foliage from our garden which we loved together. It is brutal isn’t it. I took my blood pressure earlier as I have to have a small biopsy that was high hardly surprising is it? And I just wish I could talk to my husband and tell him what’s going on he would just say don’t worry everything will be ok I’m here to look after you but he’s not now is he.. I’m sorry I think this is the angry part of grief coming out of me…

Please don’t apologise, it is normal to feel like this, I do too. When he would wake in a panic, I would take his hand and would tell him to breathe slowly and then we could both float away in our love bubble. I feel that love bubble but the hand that held mine is no longer and it cuts deep. Allow these feelings and be kind to yourself, sometimes I don’t always do this but am trying. Xx

Thank you everyone so many of us experiencing the same things for days now I’ve looked at grief things, Marie curie, sue ryder websites thought about phoning cruse but they were shut. Even tried Samaritans but they didn’t answer, Poems. Booklets from McMillan I was sent and from the doctors,  Ways to work through it, how to go back to work etc , ….i couldn’t have imagined I’d be looking at this stuff.  Everyone says look after your self you have to look after yourself but no one tells you how to achieve this.   And the Be kind to yourself which I’ve been trying to fathom out. I have to deal with a family party tomorrow so I made something to take along but I know I will find that extremely hard and usually my husband would have been here tasting my culinary delights but he wasn’t but in a way that’s a step forward for me actually bothering to make something for it. This week I’ve lived off two takeaway pizzas that I would never usually eat and my husband certainly wouldn’t have. 

You say your husband and you loved your garden? So did we and we created gardens together as well as an allotment. My husband died of sepsis while being treated for oesophageal cancer (having survived terminal bladder cancer) and my being kind to myself is by tending the garden: I planted 1,300 bulbs in the garden near where he sat when he was able so the spring display was bright and uplifting. He loved flowers. We had to cover the allotment last year (10 pole, so big), so this year I've dug the whole thing over and am planting up. He was so sad that he couldn't work on it last year, this is a way of paying tribute. Being in the fresh air and digging and planting is the only distraction from the grief and the reliving of his final days. Buying seeds and plants is a treat, and sharing vegetables with the neighbours in the street, who were so supportive, is a way of giving back. You've started: you made something for a family party. You've been eating. You spoke to a shop worker. You are making a flower arrangement for the coffin: to find the creativity shows immense love.  These are all achievements in the midst of overwhelming grief. As gardeners, we look forward. We nurture and create beauty: we challenge the devastation that death brings and by growing and nurturing beauty we affirm that our beloveds continue to bring meaning to a world that they have left physically. 

Sorry. This is a ramble. 

That is truly beautiful. Our garden is also giving me a lot of pleasure. I have planted up tubs, hanging baskets. I have beautiful vivid colours on the decking. I am going to seed some wild flowers under the apple tree, and will begin trying to assemble the wheelbarrow next week. A friend built a bird box for Robins to visit. I am creating a wildlife area at the end of the garden. My darling loved sitting in the sunshine in the garden. He loved watching me create beauty. I cried the first time I sat out there, but now it is easier. Different, but still beautiful. Thank you for your lovely post. Kate. Xxx

I also find our garden a solace. 
It was my domain (the kitchen his), but he would always help with suggestions and digging. 

I sowed the excess Forget-Me-Not seeds from his funeral order of services which everyone had around our pear tree, so they take. 

The first time I planted new plants I stood back so pleased. 
Then cried so hard as he won’t enjoy them. 
I ripped them all out and trampled them. 
Then cried at my destruction. He would never want that. 
So spent more money on some established scented plants - honeysuckle, jasmine, clematis. 

My family and friends say it has never looked so good. 
And after a fallow year, the pear tree was heavy with blossom.

The garden shed my beautiful Valen wanted to get rid of I have painted cornflower blue outside and willow green and sunshine yellow inside. Lights and decorations adorn it and it is now my garden room with a lovely view of our garden.

I’m now planning a rockery.

I know he would be delighted, and surprised, by my handiwork. 
So bittersweet.