Losing my husband

Hi there, that’s a good question ? How does anyone survive this devastating loss. I am at the moment having a break from cooking a fish pie, for myself and our adult children. I am standing there, boiling the potatoes, thinking to myself; “This is truly horrendous”. I portray strength and fortitude on the outside, but on the inside my soul is broken .I am continually on the verge of tears. I want my husband, and I can’t have him ever again. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better minute, hour or day. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx 

I go to work everyday, smile like I am okay when I am not okay, I will never be okay without him to come home too,instead I walk into the house and crumble, the least thing I see or touch makes me cry, I hug a pillow at night and imagine it's him, I talk to him, then say goodnight, cry some more then get up the next day and repeat, this is horrendous you are right, it's just so hard.

I portray strength and fortitude on the outside, but on the inside my soul is broken.

Smile like I am okay when I am not okay, I will never be okay without him to come home too, instead I walk into the house and crumble.

Yes. These. 

I have just spent half an hour crying into a pillow as quietly as possible so as not to disturb my mum in the next room or my brother and sister-in-law in theirs. 
I went out for a walk by myself in the early morning sun. And to cry. 
My beautiful Valen loved coming to stay with my brother here in Wales. 
Another walk later with them all and a lazy afternoon in the sun. 
The kind of day he loved here with them.

As we all went to bed a round of “What a lovely day” and smiles and “I think I’ll sleep well tonight”. 

Smile. Say what they want to hear. Strong. 
Cry. Scream and scream and scream inside. Precarious fragility.

In answer to your question - No idea how we get through this. But people do. 
At the museum where I work there is a lady whose husband passed away 18 months ago. Another just over 2 years. A gentleman whose wife went 6 weeks ago. And another whose husband went 5 years ago. 
All cried when we talked about our respective loves. But all have been able to find their own pathways through this turmoil to assemble of a life.