Question, sleeping?

Hi there, disturbed and erratic sleep is extremely normal. It is ten months since my husband Paul died, and I still get up most nights. If you think about it, it is logical. We care for our loved ones before they pass, that means 24/7. We are exhausted mentally and physically from that. Afterwards, we are then in shock, and still mentally and physically exhausted from the caring and loss. Add in the shock, disbelief, intense pain, numbness, Then on top of that, we have to arrange the funeral, contact family and friends, support our children. On and on it goes. Our minds are completely overwhelmed. At times, I think I was slightly unhinged. Hence my posting name, Insanity Kate. I am pleased that you have ordered the book, it has really helped me. I am on my second reading. I read it mostly in the middle of the night, it helps me let the pain out. Kind regards, Kate. 

Hi GhostLoveScore

I am in a very similar position to you - lost my husband 15 weeks ago today & like you relive that last day every Friday.  My sleep has been poor since he first got diagnosed 23 months ago but it’s much worse now - I feel exhausted both mentally & physically & nothing at all seems to help me break the cycle of not sleeping.

I haven’t managed one day yet when I haven’t shed a tear - I miss him so much.  We would have been married 42 years on 4 June & I am dreading that day.  I feel so sad it hurts.

i think everything we are going through is normal for someone who is grieving - if there is such a thing as ‘normal’.  I just take each day hour by hour and get through it the best I can.

I will have a look at the book it’s ok not to be ok.

Look after yourself.

Nearly 8 disbelieving months in and a nights sleep is a long distant memory. 
I force myself to bed around 2 or 3 am. 
Have podcasts on all night as can’t bear the empty silence. 
My beautiful Valen snored for the Olympics. 
Oh what I’d give to hear that racket again. 
Awake around 5. 
Can’t bear to be in bed without his weight next to me so usually up around 6 or 7. 

I don’t honestly know how I am still functioning with so little healing sleep.

MrsVT

My husband snored for the Olympus too - I used to have to put ear plugs in - I wish I still needed them.  I’ve tried putting pillows down his side of the bed & everything to make it feel like he’s there but nothing works because I know he isn’t.         

I do keep doing odd things & forgetting things which I’m sure is down to tiredness, 

I find it difficult to describe how empty & absolutely distraught I feel on a daily basis so when people ask I say I’m ok because I think that’s what they want to hear.  I feel jealous of friends getting on with their lives, booking holidays etc and then I feel bad for feeling like that.

I put it’s Ok not to be Ok on my kindle last night after recommendations on here & had a good read of it - I’m hoping it will put things in some sort of perspective for me.

 Take care.

Yes, I reply I’m doing OK, I’m up and down.  
And I also get angry with family and friends telling me about their holiday plans, going out. But then feel guilty for feeling angry. It’s not their fault.

I find decision making sometimes really hard. I’ll stand at the top of the road for a good 15 minutes dithering about which way to walk into town. I’ll turn left and walk for 10 paces, stop, turn back, stop, turn back. The neighbour at the top has got used to seeing me do this and now comes out to say hello which breaks the cycle.

I planted up one of the borders in the garden and it looked lovely, I was really pleased. 
Then 10 minutes later I ripped it all up in floods of tears as my beautiful Valen wont see it. 
Then cried for my stupidity. 

I guess with our incredulity at our soulmates not being at our sides, our confusion at not hearing and feeling their presence, our raw pain, our mental and physical weaknesses we are going to do odd things.

I have even developed a stammer. Which I put down to tiredness and brain fog.

When me and Sue got married, I got her a medium size Teddy, just a little bigger then a pillow long ways. So last night I sprayed it with her favourite spray and had it next to me. I just ended up cuddling it and crying as that night hit me again. 

Hi Wardyboy

Just read your post. My husband Jay and I were together for 40 years before he passed in June 2023. He passed on the 23rd June two days after our wedding anniversary on the 21st. It was as though he wanted to hang on for one more anniversary before he passed. At the end though I don't think he knew what day it was let alone our anniversary. It was a Friday he passed too almost two years ago so it seems Friday was a prominent day for all our loved ones passing. Wish you well moving forwards. Take Care. 

xx

I remember that my lovely friends said to me a while ago “if you don’t tell us your feeling crap and say your ok, we assume you are coping. Until we see you and can see you’re not ok. Talk to us, cry on our shoulders, let us drive you somewhere to scream”.

I said that I feel crap everyday and got tired of hearing myself say it, let alone them hearing it all the time. I don’t want to bring them down all the time. 
I don’t want them to start resenting my presence or sighing “Oh god, here she comes”.  
So I tell everyone I’m doing as well as can be expected.  

My friends said that they promised Valen, the week before he was ripped from me, on what happened to be the last time they saw him, that they would look after and out for me. 
They said that they feel like they are letting him down by not helping me. 

I never knew that. 
So I do let them know, every once in a while, that I’m feeling crap and one of them will sit with me, cry with me and talk about that amazing human being - Valen and his legacies.

But I do tell everyone else I’m ok x

MrsVT

some of my friends did the same - promised Peter they would look after me.  I’ve actually admitted to them this evening that I tell them I’m ok when I’m not - I feel like they were upset that I wouldn’t /couldn’t be truthful with them but you do feel like you are dragging them down.

Peter also left notes for my son & I asking us to carry on living & asking me to live my life to the full the best I can - it is so difficult because I feel like I am letting him down.  My son said mum, dad really wouldn’t want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with or are happy with - he would understand that you aren’t ready & for now I just have to get through each day the best I can & maybe one day I will fulfill his wishes - but who knows.   

I know I will never want a relationship with anyone else because I had one of the best. I know every one of us is different & we will all have differing views & opinions but however we think & feel I really do appreciate the support I get from everyone on this forum - all at different stages with our grief.