So how is everyone doing ?

• I have very similar feelings and sudden waves of crying during the day I’m not to bad as still learning how to do everything as wife used to do it all but the nights are so lonely and empty. talk to her and our cat but can’t face going out  don’t think I can do councselling it’s just not me hopefully time will dull the pain but reading of others with similar feelings helps that my feelings are not unusual wish you all the best

Hi!

From what you say it is still very early days and as you say everything that everyone here is saying including myself are all normal. I read what has been said about learning to do things on your own when your wife done it all for you. This works both ways and I have had to deal with all the `man things` my husband used to deal with things like seeing to the car and some general DIY. They say it's easier for a woman to carry on without her spouse but I think it just works both ways equally. Yes your are right its at night when things feel lonely more and empty. I feel empty most days and I'm just over 20 months in from losing my husband to bowel cancer. I can say that it has got slightly better for me but I still do have my dark days or weeks. They are like unwelcome visitors and come for a little while but then leave and then you try to continue to move on. Being with other people doesn't really bother me as I am a bit of an introvert and like my own company it's just learning to find a new normal after having someone by your side for 40 years. You will find your own way eventually and know what is and isn't right for you. Take Care. 

Vicky 

It has been 28 weeks since I last kissed my beautiful Valen, held his hand, heard his voice, saw his smile.

I have 2 sessions of counselling left and am not looking forward to loosing that crutch. 
Being able to talk to someone who does not know my beloved, about the really hard stuff, though emotionally draining and exhausting has, I think helped. 
I can’t talk to family and friends about his despair and gradual loss of hope with the unnecessary delays in his treatment. 
I can’t tell them that my physically active beloved had become so slow he wet himself as he couldn’t get to the loo in time. 
I can’t tell them that the last time he drove he nearly caused a head on collision as he fell asleep at the wheel.
I can’t tell them that I cry every night as another day has gone without him.
Or cry as soon as I wake up as it’s another day to face without him. 

I tried the Bereavement Coffee Morning. And like you I was amazed, in fact damn shocked that no one even mentioned their loved ones. I sat in disbelief that they were all chatting about a tv programme. 
No one asked about Valen. And that’s all I wanted to talk about. I got up and left.

Its been a tough couple of weeks for me.  
I’ve reverted back to utter disbelief he has left me. Expecting to hear his tap tap at his computer. To see him in the kitchen (he did 99.9% of the cooking). Checking my mobile for his message to say he’s on his way home. Waiting for his answer to my “Only me” as I walk through the door. 
Even though I have his casket in front of me. Talk to him constantly. Stroke the casket every time I pass him. I still can’t comprehend he has gone. 
Im hoping the last 2 counselling sessions may help me with this.

The session yesterday I spoke about creating a collage of Valen. Maps and images of places we’ve been to. Foods, music, books he liked. Images of how he makes me feel. 
I said that I would never complete it as he will never end. If that makes sense. 
Im also creating a legacy tree, I liken him to a silver tree, his branches reaching out to help people as he did in life and shelter those he loves.
His legacy of being a blood donor and all those people walking about with his blood in them. 
His legacy of the money raised for The Swallows charity on his Much Loved page. 
His legacy of the Gift Aid money to British Heart Foundation. 
And many other legacies of the people and companies he quietly, without fuss helped.
This gives me comfort amongst all the tears.

Sorry it’s a long post

hugs to you all xx

My heart goes out to you in part I could have been reading my own story.  It’s strange how our minds play games with us.  I too cry uncontrollably with the realisation that my beloved has left this earth and it knocks the wind out of me to know he’s not in the house(I keep roaming all over as if looking for him).

On one of the nights I could not sleep properly which to be honest is all of them I went online and made a collage of some of my favourite photos of him onto a canvas it now hangs in the hall by the front door so he can greet me and me him.  Six weeks in I thought it would be alittle easier but it’s not it seems to be worse.  I too speak to the urn but I do not feel he is there even though his ashes are it’s not right.  Wanted you to know you are not alone and keep his memory alive by talking about him and keeping his stories alive. Xx

I am so sorry MRSVT. After your last post with the maze, I'd hoped you were getting a bit better.

 Week 11 started last night /this morning, I woke at one stage shouting please don't go don't die on me. I hate Friday nights and Saturdays. Why do I have to keep reliving the worst night of my life.

I agree about the counselling. I can tell her things that I can't tell anyone else. For fear of upsetting them. The GP told me that if they think I need more sessions they will keep going with me and not finish on 6. Like you I just have 2 left.

Please take care.

So sorry for your loss Michael. Here on this Forum we seem to share the richest of life's blessings - finding our soulmate and spending decades with them. I hope this rare gift, that so few get to enjoy, is what gives us all the strength to move forward in their honour. 15 months after my young, beautiful, and vicarious husband's passing I still don't know anyone more alive or beautiful than him. However I can feel him willing me to be strong. He is still my soulmate while I am on this earth. 

Feel your beautiful wife at your side as you celebrate the beauty of the world that give her to you and all she shared with you. One routine for me that helped was at starting the first hour of the day at a nice local cafe that opens at 7. I could be myself but have company too.

Take care, Florence x