So Lonely and Lost

I think you just take it one hour at a time and do what you need to do: if that's coping by thinking your loved one is still upstairs, then that's OK; if it's the heart-rending sobbing and screaming, that's also okay; break down as often as you need to. Seven months on, I still weep three or four times a day. My answer to the question about how I'm doing? I now say : I'm doing okay except for when I'm not okay. Or, I have crap days and less crap days. It depends who's asking as to what answer they get. I feel flat and joyless but I still find gardening therapeutic. Life remains joyless at the moment. Can you find something you used to enjoy? 

Thank you wesurvived you hit the nail on the head flat and joyless.  I will have go take up the garden chores now my beloved hubby is no longer here if not I will be living in a jungle as the grass is already growing awaiting it’s first cut of the season.  Yet the thought of going out front where the world will see me and come and ask how I am, I do not feel ready.  I already say to people that message me I’m ok up and down when in Reality I’m in pieces.  I think people will get fed up if I’m forever crying and saying I’m not ok.  

Hi there, my approach is to just go with it. I expect you are still in shock, and exhausted mentally and physically. My husband passed eight months ago, and I still have grief attacks. I found the Cruse Bereavement website helpful as they explain how the brain tries to process grief. I am sending kind thoughts and hugs. Kate.xxx

I wish I could say there is a magic cure, but sorry there is not. I am now 7 weeks into my journey of life without my soul mate my wife my everything. Nothing I can say will make your walk on this path easier.  It is as they say one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. If you have a good support system please use it. The people on here are good people and if you need to post stuff do it. We are all on here for the same rotten reason. Take care try and sleep and eat. 

Hello Heartbroken

What you mentioned about your husband in his final days sounds so like mine. Jay passed away just over 18 months ago after a two year fight with bowel cancer. It was on his 4th bout of sepsis along with his advancing cancer that finally took him in June 2023. At the end he was bedbound too and wasn't eating much. He loved cooking and like your husband was a `big bear` of a man and to see him reduced to what he became from what he was was just heartbreaking. He too loved his food and as I said he loved cooking would cook for an army even though it was only the two of us used to think he thought everyone had the same appetite as he did. We were together for 40 years and to lose someone after having them by your side for that length of time really was a shock to the system. I was a bit in denial at the end up and just kept hoping he would get better. Every little positive day I looked on that as him getting better but of course the next day he would probably be back to being worse than ever. It is very early days for you though you will still have a mix of emotions going on shock, guilt, sadness etc I know I did and still do at times. Even though he has gone over 18 months I still find it so hard to comprehend that he is actually gone. So many things have happened since he went that I want to share with him or tell him about but he's not here to do that now. 

My son got married a month ago. It was a lovely day but no matter how much I was chatting and catching up with people I still just had a horrible empty feeling going on. I just felt I didn't belong there even though I was the grooms mother everyone in couples. The irony was though my new daughter-in-law lost her mother to cancer too just last year too. I like to think they would have both been there somewhere though in spirit celebrating with us. 

I can't say if things will get better for you just yet because everything will still be a bit raw. I just feel now that I am starting to try to move forward in some way but I still have my dark days/weeks but just learn to go with them now and just look on them as unwelcome visitors and they do eventually leave. People grieve in lots of different ways and at different paces and it is true what they say there is no right or wrong way to grieve some get over it quicker than others and for some it takes a lot longer. I try to keep busy through the day too. I re-joined my local sports centre and go to the gym a couple of times a week this was something Jay and I did together he got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes before his cancer symptoms surfaced and that was to try to get his weight down which was working before covid happened then everything shut down and then Jay got ill so that had to be shelved.  I have my little granddaughter also and look after her when needed. My son says I am now the `go to` grandparent. I do online studying when it was the lockdown a local college did free online courses and I quite enjoyed them so kept it going. I have a little dog he's a Border Terrier and he was Jay's he missed him so much when he was in hospital in his final days and I made arrangements with the nursing staff if I could take `Jack` into the hospital to let him see him and they agreed but unfortunately Jay passed just before I could do that so he never got to see him in the end. 

Just keep coming back here too because we all `get it` if you need to scream, rant or whatever. My best wishes to you moving forward and take care of yourself. 

Vicky x

Thank you Pattyk for your message.

Each day I think to myself I won’t breakdown and cry today but then something triggers me and of course I do.  But you are right that everyone is different.  All around me there are memories of our life together.  We did not have children so I don’t have that closeness but I do have siblings and friends but in the bleakest of times I feel I can not keep reaching out to them and to be honest a large amount of the time it’s at night when they are sleeping so as you say having this online chat is good for my soul.  I am thinking of going to a bereavement group but at the moment the thought of setting foot outside into the world is terrifying me with the thought of seeing people asking me how I am and bumping into someone that doesn’t know that my beloved husband has passed and asking me where he is.  We did nearly everything together so usually when you saw one of us you saw the other.  I know I shouldn’t cut myself off from people but they say how are you?  How am I?  If I told them dead inside and only going through the motions as I have to but no I just say “Up and down”. It was like when I was caring for my husband at home I never told people just how bad it got.  I don’t know if it was to spare them or us.  I know I am not the only person in this sometimes cruel world to have lost a loved one but at times it does feel like it.  I look out of my window and think how dare it be sunny and people carrying on as normal but then I tell myself that when people like yourself lost your precious someone I was one of those people carrying on and enjoying life.

Good Morning Heartbroken!

Yes so like us. We more or less did everything together. I am quite the introvert and don't really have a lot of  friends mainly enjoy my own company and he was quite a private person too so think we were well suited. Yes I agree the nights can be the worse especially just there during the winter months when the days were so short and the nights were longer with the lighter nights coming in hopefully things will get a bit better but things like that really don't matter to me. I quite enjoy the winter months- well did! I remember we both used to just cosy up in our PJs and watch rubbish TV during the winter but that's all gone now along with other things so many things we had planned in our retirement but sadly all gone now. I have started driving again because of illness myself I was unable to drive for quite a few years and it was one of Jay's last wishes that I start driving again to keep my independence. So I went back to the GP and she ok'd it for me to start driving again so I can still get out and about when I need to. 

Crying is something I couldn't do at the beginning and it felt strange that I couldn't because when Jay was ill I thought I would never stop. Now when it happens it's like a release and I just let it happen. I can be sitting at night and suddenly just burst into tears periodically for no apparent reason but I know its all that pent up grief starting to come out and I feel just that bit better once it happens. Yes the sunny days I just can't get excited about anymore. We had a static caravan in Argyll in Scotland and at every opportunity during the summer months we would be there. I had to sell it though after he passed just couldn't afford the upkeep on my own. So these days I really don't care if it's sunny or raining. At least if it's sunny or dry I know I can get a washing out and sometimes even that it a chore. 

I'll get there and I'm still trying just need to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. If it wasn't for `Jack` I don't think I would be out at all and he is more the last I have left of Jay him and the car. The car was his pride and joy so I am doing my best to look after it for him- and `Jack` too. I wish you all the best in moving forward. Take Care.

Vicky xx

Thank you Heart broken. 

 I think you have said a lot of what I feel. I can't say I am lucky but I have got to see a grief counsellor about 3 weeks ago. As I lost my Dad on Christmas day and then my wife and Soul mate on the 25th January.  It has helped, I did not see them last week I had a gp appointment and I think the counselling would have been better.  Just take your time and do what you think is best for you. 

My husband set a Pure Cremation funeral he knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to go through the process of a funeral with people etc bless him as usual always thinking of me x. Anyway today is the day that happens all I know is it is afternoon so from noon till 18:00 while they take place I will turn off my phone light a candle in front of his photo and play the two songs he loved over and over -  John Lennon Image and Wind beneath my Wings by Bette.  Of course I will cry uncontrollably and beat myself up about what ifs but at least I can do these things on my own in the privacy of my own home.  I really find this group a comfort so to those of you that have sent messages and those that just viewed I thank you as it gives me comfort xx. 

I am sending you hugs, on this difficult day. No one can take away the love that you had for each other. Kate. Xxx