Where do I begin……my wonderful husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 13 January they told us it would be months rather than years. He passed away last week. It all seems so fast. I keep busy during the day with all the admin you need to do when someone passes away. I do this none stop because when I do stop and think I just burst into tears. The last week before he passed he stayed mainly upstairs in bed and I used to do thing’s downstairs and pop up regularly to see if he needed anything or do meditation. He wasn’t really eating by the final few days only yoghurt with his morning medication as these needed to be taken with food. Before the dreaded C he had a major sweet tooth and was a big man. Anyway I tell myself now when I’m doing things downstairs “he’s upstairs resting” it’s the only way I can cope during the day to be honest. The nights are the hardest lots of heart wrenching crying. I miss him so very much and I feel like I to died the day he did. Family and friends have been kind and supportive but I can’t except them to come running every time I breakdown which to be completely honest is every day. I put on a front and when they ask I say up and down but ok. Which is far from the truth. My question to those out there that have lost a loved one to this F in cruel disease is how do you go on each day when your life seems so empty now without your soulmate?
Since my last post on here I now have my beloved husband’s ashes back they were delivered to me on Wednesday. I don’t know what I was expecting a magic wand to make me stop the uncontrollable crying, the emptiness within me but whatever I thought would happen it hasn’t but it’s just made me miss him even more 
it’s not a home anymore just a house empty and soulless 
Someone said now you have the ashes back you can start to get back to normal. Really I do t think there will ever be normal again. I feel like I am getting worse with my grief I hardly leave the house I don’t enjoy sitting in the garden too many memories. I don’t cook or even enjoy food. I hardly sleep. People come visit me which I really do appreciate it stops the house sounding so quiet but I feel like I’m just going through the motions for them. Everything is a memory and it’s killing me inside. By being on here I know I’m not the only one that feels these things but it doesn’t stop that feeling of utter loneliness. My work expect me to go back next week but I just can’t face people and if I break down there…..well.
Thank you Kate. I feel like a lost little girl trying to get out of a tunnel but never getting to the opening. I have my name down for bereavement counselling but all have waiting lists. I feel that people that have not lost their soulmate do not understand our feelings and when they say come out and I say thanks but no in the end they just stop asking and visiting. But I don’t want ho go out “enjoying myself” with out him. We didn’t have children so the house is very empty. Thank you for your kind words sending you hugs 
I long to feel more settled. You are correct we do not tell the real truth to others how we feel. I guess I feel they will just stop asking if I told the complete truth this is why I just say “Up and down”. When it is just down very very low down. Yes you have to be wrong fir your family still living with you and of course you have to take Jake out for walks. Today is another admin day and no visitors so it will be a very long one. The clocks move forward tomorrow but I do not
