Feeling so lost

That’s lovely. We are lucky to have had that depth of love in our lives. My darling Paul said to me that, “I was everything”. This was days before he passed. He showed such bravery and dignity. The beauty of our love is held deep within me. Kate. Xxx

Your darling Paul and my beautiful Valen sound so similar!

He told me “You are so much stronger than me, that gives me strength”. 

This from the man who went through surgery that was 2 hours longer than expected due to the location of some of the tumors. The surgery permanently weakening his right arm. Horrendous radiotherapy burn to his face. Infection in the wounds. 
Then the terminal conversation. 
Planning his own funeral. 
 
I replied that it was his strength that gave me strength!

We were both blessed to have had that depth of love. Many people never experience this, Of course, this means that we are suffering deeply. When the weather eventually improves, I shall be making a Spring Arrangement for his grave. I think I have been to visit about fourteen times, it gives me a lot of peace. It is within a medieval churchyard, surrounded by countryside. I shall be there too one day. Part of me wants to be there now. Kate. Xxx

I am having such a bad day. I woke up this morning expecting a message from him then realised that will never happen again. The pain is overwhelming

Hello again Butterfly

It literally takes your breath away doesn’t it?

I still expect a text saying he’s on the train. 
I still expect an answer to my “only me” when I get in. 
I still expect to see him in his home office. 

I have actually got in the passenger side of the car before being brought back to reality.

By the way, I love your name. 
I am the butterfly and my beautiful Valen is the bee. 
I have a tattoo of a bee, a butterfly and a sunflower (our joint favourite flower).

It really does. All day today I have just been reading our messages and looking at photos . I am not sure whether it’s a good idea or making the pain worse. I love that you have the tattoos. I named myself butterfly as we used to go for picnics and one particular time we had lots of butterfly’s flying above us. Paul was very special to me and I feel like this past month with him so poorly was so painful.  He deteriorated so quickly. Only in October he was in Scotland walking and cycling miles on his bike. How can he just be taken so quickly

You remember special moments like the butterflies: that's consoling. 

Oh Butterfly, my heart goes out to you. I "lost" my beloved wife 4 and a half months ago(why the H*ll do people say lost? I didn't lose her, she was ripped away from me, unexpectedly, far too early). There are no words I have that can make this any easier for you, they would just be words from a stranger. But please know, all of us here know what you are going through. You are not alone. 

From a practical point of view, from my experience (yours may differ), try to be kind to yourself. Don't try to take everything on at once. I was fortunate, my step-daughter flew up from the Channel Islands the day after my Anne, her Mum, died. We were both in bits, both grieving so much, me for my Anne, her for losing her beloved Mum.

Somehow, we got through that first week. Both crying so much. So much sadmin to be done, funeral arrangements, arranging for the death certificates (hint, get at least 2-3 copies), so many people to notify, personal and businesses. We worked out a routine - she would do one a day, I would do one a day - to be honest that was as much as we could cope with. Try to find online the contact details for the bereavement department of whoever you are dealing with - they were so much more understanding than any generic, so called "customer service" department. Most of the ones we had to deal with were understanding, were prepared to listen to me sobbing for five minutes before I could actually get a few words out.

I didn't want to eat - she forced me, cooking meals each evening. Stopping me diving into a bottle of malt whiskey every night - I just wanted oblivion. 

As I said, I was fortunate. If I could give any advice - try to be kind to yourself. Don't be ashamed to cry. I'm still crying every day, as are so many others here. At the moment, I have the occasional good minute, mixed with bad days. But that is better than the first weeks. Maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future I'll be able to move to good hours, bad days.

Is there anyone close, family, very close friend you can trust who can stay with you for a few days? You don't want someone who will say "there there, time will make things better" (my most hated phrase - just want to scream at the person saying it). But someone who will just be there, will listen to you crying, wont come out with ridiculous platitudes, will just give you a hug and say, "I cant' know what you are going through, but I am here for you", and pass you another tissue, then make a bowl of soup

I wish I could say that it gets easier, but for me, it is still so hard. As a counsellor said to me last week, "intense grief is sometimes the price you pay for loving so much, for being loved so much in return". 

Would I have given up the love we shared for more than 20 years in return for not hurting so much? NEVER. I would never lose those 20+ years. Somehow, I just need to remember those happy, wondrous years, not the last few months. At the moment, that is so hard, but reading posts from so many people here, I hope it will come one day 

Wishing you comfort and some peace - and remember, you are not alone

It’s watching our beloved soulmates gradually weaken that is so heartrending.

My beautiful Valen was mowing the lawn 3 weeks before he was taken from me. All be it slowly and with frequent pauses, but he still did it himself. 
2 weeks later I wept bitterly when I suggested a walk round the garden, and it’s only a small back garden with 2 lovely flowering borders, and he said “Not on the grass, I can’t walk on the grass, just the patio”. 
I held on to him so hard as we walked those 10 or so paces. 
I also hold on to the fact that he smiled the whole time, in the sunshine, and he was squeezing my hand just as hard back.

xx

I am truly sorry for now you are feeling. I lost my soul mate 2 November and  am totally lost and desolate.  The only advice I can give you is listen to your own feelings and Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Only set yourself small targets to achieve and don't be hard on yourself.  It is no good pretending - it is,awful but you will get through it. That is,what I tell myself every day but don't always believe.  Sending you mind thoughts and best wishes xx