Lost

Hi there, it is good to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Everyone here is very kind, and understands how difficult it is. We are all just trying to make sense of our loss, Sending hugs. Kate.xxx

Hi Kate,

Thanks for the reply. I am in total agreement, courage does take many forms, more that i realised.

The one thing i followed when Jan died was to make the bed every morning. It may sound silly, but an old friend (and my ex Regimental Sargent Major) told me if I did that, i could be happy that i had achieved something for that day.

I have always been hard on myself, never living up to my own expectations, even with love and support from Jan, my kids, wider family, colleagues and friends. Now i am being much kinder. While i am happy in my new relationship, its still early days, we aren't with each other 24x7. When i am alone, i still get emotional, still think of what i had, what i had lost, and how life would never be the same.

My new partner and i have talked about those feelings at great length, as she wants to ensure this isn't a rebound or i am using her as an emotional crutch.

It happened all of a sudden one day, i realised that while I miss Jan and always will, I deserve to be happy, feel loved, and enjoy someone elses company.

I deserve that, as a minimum. I now feel that my life has meaning and purpose like it did with Jan. And to be honest, i am loving it. The last 6 months of 2024 were shit, my world and heart were torn apart and i lost my soul mate. Jan may be gone, but I am still here, and at 50, still have time to be as happy as i was with her. No comparison between the two.

It takes a lot, emotionally, mentally, and physically, to do stuff, especially stuff you did together. I am now able to do most things we shared, with the exception of a couple of songs, which still make me cry.

I played our tune, Hector the Hero, on the pipes after Jan was lowered and swore i would never play that tune again. Last week i played it for my new partner, again after an honest open and frank discussion of what it meant to Jan and I. She said it was beautiful, and that it must have taken strength to play that at her funeral.

To me it didn't feel like strength, on neither occasion.

But i learned i can play the tune again without crying. When she was alive, and i qould play Hector for Jan, i would look at her face and especially her eyes, get that look and have tears streaming.

Take your time, only you will know when is the right time to do things, and if you start and don't feel up to it, stop. But try again. So far, and it has only been a few months for me, i still struggle, both on my own, with my new partner, with friends. This feels right for me, and I would hate to walk away from a new relationship because of what others think or say. I could lose my chance of happiness, and i would regret that for the rest of my life.

Just remember that no matter who you are with or what you are doing, you are in control.

Sorry for another massive message, I appreciated the honesty and love you all showed me when i joined on here, feelings i still get every time i log in.

I am honoured and privileged to have had the chance to interact with you all, shame its not in person, and sad that we have all had to face such shit times.

But adversity can bring out the best in people.

Love you all xxx

Gordie

Hi Tunafish,

Even though i have been in your position, i still don't have the words to convey how sorry I am.

The people on here are fantastic, loving and caring.

I have found that there are no stupid questions or feelings, and there are normally people on here day and night. People like us who have lost the most important person in the world.

I get the getting out of bed thing, and  how hard days are, and for me, nights were even worse. Speaking on here has helped me, even more than listening support. I am still on the list for bereavement counselling andd have a few other resources that our lival hospice have in place, theae start at the end of the month.

Do you feel ready to get support, or have you got that already.

For me, and i am sure others would agree, talking helps. The first sessions i had were a poor lady watching me cry like a baby for an hour. I can now smile and laugh with them, speak about Jan and the memories we shared, and look back with love and fondness.

Take care

Gordie

• I have lots of support from friends, family.I’m on the waiting list for counselling. I suppose need to cut myself some slack as well , can be quite hard on myself. We knew he wouldn’t survive his cancer , but 5 months seems so short to come to terms with. It does help to chat on here. Thank you for supporting

I know what you mean. Jan was feeling unwell in June, got diagnosed pn Jult 12th, 8 days after our 29th anniversary. The oncologist said st the start of August we should have 7-10 years, based upon the scans and test results he got from A&E where the initial diagnosis was made.

Mid August came the words i dreaded, it's terminal, its months at the most, any treatment would cause her to die more qui, and in agonising pain.

She was bed bound and i cared for her for the last 5 weeks of her life.

She died on the 6th October, in my arms with some family around. And she got her wish, like most of the time. She died at home, and since then, i have made sure that any wishes she left me and our daughters are carried out, with the exception of two.she never liked tattoos and piercings, i now have 8, 5 of which are memorial tattoos, numbers 9, 10, and 11 are booked in for Feb 11th, and once the piercer gets a stock delivery, there will be 7 additional bits of silver in my face and ears.

It was so short to see my beloved wife vo from a strong independent woman to a frail old lady who i am not going to share what horrors o dealt with. We have all been there to some extent .

While you are on the list, try mental health charities, local hospice for support. I am stl waiting but am glad i contacted our local Maggies centre ( i ge t 2 1 listeningsupport) , our local hospice ( bereavement walking group , group sessiona and are arranging bereavement counselling) and the ladies at our local suicide charity ( listening support) i wasn't suicidal but had thoughts if i died, i would be close to jan and not feel pain. They have got me to look after me, stop living on Jaffa Cakes and Haribo

And most importantly, the good folks on here. I owe them my life for getting  e through some really dark times.

Anytime x

Gordie

Hi Gordie, yes you do deserve to be happy. I love the fact that you have someone you can sit and talk to. I think it is smart to discuss the ‘emotional crutch’ angle early on. As you have said, you can go at your own pace. I am finding it very difficult at the moment to find balance. It feels as if Paul is still alive, and I feel that his presence is everywhere in the house. It feels like a warmth, wrapping itself around me. I am just going to go with it. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hey Kate,

I still get that. Something on the news, quiz shows, i still turn to her empty seat.

Strictly was the worst, she loved long flowing dresses, so i saw them and would turn to ask if ahe liked it.

I found 2 ways to cope and am happy to share as something might help, or give ideas.

I got a framed print of her to hang on the wall. In the photo, i can see tbe sparkling in her eyes, and that cheeky smile. A combination of love, or she was about to be up to no good.

The other is a song, i used Your love echoes around the world, by the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.

Set to the tune of amazing grace, the words are so poignant, his voice is exceptional, and the pipes in the background ctaxk me up.

Give ut a listen, but you may need tissues, i know i do.

Take it easy and hugs back at ya

Gordie x

I have terminal cancer.  My husband has just passed . I cry all the time 

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear this. I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hi,

Sorry i haven't replied sooner, I have no idea what to say to you, other than I have cried for you tonight, and my heart goes out to you

Gordie x️