Lost

MrsVt, it must be the time of year and the weather making us feel this bad, I’m having a horrible week, cried all day, not sleeping, it’s the first day I almost wanted to see a doctor, this isn’t right, this feeling I have just won’t go away. It hasn’t helped that Ive been in the house all week and only had text messages. Its real people I need to talk to. I am going out tomorrow but it’s to see a lawyer which I’m dreading. I want this all to be over with, can’t cope with any more paperwork, have a constant headache every day. It’s as if I’m in one of those dreams that you never reach where you want to go. This is no way to live, but I can’t see anything being different for months yet. Everyone thinks you are back to normal now but they have no idea the pain we are going through. . Sending hugs to everyone going through this xxx

Kate, I had a bit of a panic attack today, I had pains in my chest as well, it’s all the stress. At the beginning I had to get out the house every day, go for a coffee, jump on a bus to anywhere but now I’m actually getting reclusive, can’t be bothered doing anything. Need a food shop but making do, my daughter asked me what day I want to come over and stay the night, I turned her down and said I will miss it this week. I need someone to give me a shake, I can’t go on like this. Hopefully when I have a really bad day it can only get better the next day. fingers crossed. Take care xx

Thank you for your reply. Please enjoy your new friendship without guilt. Jan would want you to be happy. Please don't let yourselves be.judged by People who have no idea how this feels. I'm sorry but you can't know until youve experienced the full horror. Sending good wishes

I really feel for you, I have been there. This morning, I made myself get off the b…dy settee. I felt so lethargic, I could barely move. I forced myself to walk the dog, and do the food shop. Maybe, you should see the doctor. I don’t know what they have to offer, but it might be helpful.  You are right about seeing real people, it helps for some reason. Even if it is just surface level. Sending you strength and hugs. Kate.xxx

Hi Charlie!

What you are saying I can relate with. I am 18 months in and sometimes the grief still feels so surreal. There are days when I could just run a mile and not come back and then there are days when I do not want to go out or do anything. The dark days still `visit` from time to time and I have slightly learned just to go with these now because they eventually leave and I can try to move forward again. Maybe on one of those days I will say `ok so today is not good` maybe try again tomorrow or the next day. I think the time of year as mentioned doesn't help either with it still being so dark and dull outside and if you are feeling really low this just exacerbates it a bit. I got a bit bad news last week in that my older sister now needs heart valve surgery. She has already gone through two cancer operations and came out the other side. Just two months after Jay (my late husband) passed from bowel cancer in 2023 she got a diagnosis of the same but her bowel cancer was caught in its very early stages and so was taken in and had it cut out without the need for post chemo or radiotherapy. She got breast cancer 6 years ago but again caught in its early stages. On a routine scan recently though for her cancer it was noticed her heart is slightly enlarged and last week she got told she has a leaking heart valve so another hurdle we need to face. Just when we thought we had seen the back of hospitals for a while. But we've did it twice so hopefully we'll do it again. My best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky x

Hi Charlie,

my doc has given me Mirtazapine to try and help me sleep and lift me a bit. 
I had 4 but felt bloody awful! 
He said it would take about 2 weeks for my mood but the sleep should be pretty immediate.

After the 2nd one I felt really fuzzy headed, after the 4th I felt more headachy than usual and more lethargic than usual, but didn’t sleep any better. 
So I’ve stopped them. 
Mood wise, I know why I’m feeling this shite! 

Thanks Footy19cat,

We are. I am lucky, she makes me happy, i feel comfortable in her company, I feel safe and loved in her arms,

We talked all our lives about one of us dying, her been 22 years older than me. And the two times we beat cancer before.

We are taking it slowly (ish) at the moment. I have a tattoo on my left hand of the acronym FIDO, in Jans handwriting.

It stands for F*ck It, Drive On. It is a phrase i am now trying to live my life by. I have never really cared what people think of me, so that isn't going to be an issue.

Thank you, and best wishes to you, and all the others in the group

Gordie x

Hi, I am very reluctant to take medication, but today I felt very anxious more than normal. I think I’ve calmed down again. I’m so tired so hoping to go to bed with a hot choc and hopefully sleep tonight. 
thanks everyone for your replies and support, I really appreciate it. 

sending hugs to all xxx

Hi Gordie, I am so pleased that you have found someone who understands. I am a great believer in self-awareness, compassion, reflection, kindness and spirituality. I am working on being patient and kind to myself. I am trying to imagine a sense of contentment for Spring and Summer. Spending time in the garden, planting. Visiting The National Trust with our daughter. Sitting in friend’s gardens. The warmth and light will help. I must keep moving towards the light. Courage comes in many forms. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

My husband passed away in November too, I’m just a wreck we were together 17years . I’m keeping going for our children. But it is very hard I have days where getting out of bed is an effort, and I just don’t want to even start the day .He was a lovely man too , I’m so so sorry x