Lost

MrsVT, I am so sorry that you both couldn’t go on that holiday, life is so so unfair. It’s always the good ones that go first. Maybe you will go on that holiday one day and I’m sure he will be with you in spirit. Have a Singapore Sling in Raffles. I’m having a no sleep night, this grieving hits you hardest at this time in the morning, not feeling great either, I really miss my husband, I still talk to him, tell him what’s happening wishing he was here, he had a really hard life with illnesses especially with depression before I met him. I like to think we had a great marriage and I hope I made him happy for the last 12 years of his life. We should have had longer, it’s so unfair. 4.04am now I’m not going to sleep now even after my hot choc and toast. Take care and I hope it’s one of your better days today  xxx

I am having one of those nights too. No point in trying to sleep. I am just reading some article on the phycology of grief and how to survive. On a positive note, I went to the pub last night and we will be having a fund raiser for St Barnabas Hospice in June dedicated to my darling Paul. It will be a mini music festival in a friend’s garden. We have a lot of local musicians in our village, and they are friend’s of ours. It will be hard, but beautiful. Sending hugs, Kate.xxx

Hi Kate, that is such a lovely thing to do, the hospices need every penny they can get. I was reading  when my Ring doorbell spotted something on the camera, it was the old lady’s carer across the road  going  into check on her. She must have pulled her alarm, she has been in for ages poor soul, hope she is ok. This street is not a good street, there has been 5 deaths in the last few years. Scary, not all elderly and mainly men on their own. 5.20 now, I’m going to be knackered tomorrow. Hope you manage to get a wee sleep xx

Our cafe, which has become my safe space outside of home, had a hamper raffle last month for The Swallows Head and Neck Cancer charity. 
One of their volunteers sat and chatted to us every Wednesday at the Radiotherapy dept. 
He had been through it all himself so could talk to my beautiful Valen from first hand experience. 
He kept in close contact with Valen afterwards.
Valen wanted to volunteer as well when he was better.

Our friends at the cafe wanted to do something in Valens name and held the raffle. 
£1,00 a strip of 5 tickets raised £300! 
All from the cafes regulars. 
From our friends. 
He was so loved. 

I am so proud of him.

xx

I met a new neighbour a few doors down last month.
He said to me he was nervous now as he heard several people have passed in our cul de sac.

I told him he should be prepared. 
4 people, in order of bungalow, from top of the road to my beautiful Valen have passed over a space of 9 months. 
He has 2 bungalows between me and him.

He didn’t know what to say LOL. 
It amused me. 

Our immediate next door neighbours, who are friends, are the ones who pointed it out. 
We have been able to joke a little about them moving before they are next!

That is also lovely MrsVT. When I was having a meeting with my lawyer we got talking about charities, she does one for the Main cancer centre in Glasgow. It’s called the Beatson, my husband had his chemoradiotherapy in there, when he got his second dose of it which was an all nighter, it injured his kidneys and he got kept in for the rest of his treatment. He was so depressed as no one spoke to him in the ward because of his condition, his neck was raw, cudnt swallow, it was awful, I thought I was going to lose him. The nurses in there were on a different level so lovely. They had this Well Being Centre upstairs, I managed to get him up to it everyday, it was a life saver for him, it was the most tranquil place ever. We got lovely coffee and biscuits served to us while we put our feet up, he couldnt eat the biscuits so I ate them, he just had about 3 or four lovely coffees while sitting on super comfy chairs, they had a cinema room, did massages and everything calming. What a wonderful place. Anyway back to the lawyer she does big fundraisers for this charity as its all done with donations, I said I would be willing to help in the summer when it’s on. I don’t know if you know the Scottish comedian Janey Godley, she got treated in there as well and did charity events for it. Sadly she passed away a few months ago.  It’s good we are all doing something to help these charities. All cancers are horrible, head and neck are especially horrific as we have experienced. Take care everyone, been up the whole night now, I’m finally getting tired, going to try and sleep. Xxx

The ache and pain of the loss, of the missing, can only be alleviated by the one person who is the cause.

His arms holding me, his stroking of my hair, squeezing my hand, gentle little kisses on my forehead.

These are what I need right now. 
Bloody hell, this is impossible.

How the heck does the world carry on when there are so many in this world going through this????

I don't know how to carry on.  People tell me time is a healer but I feel worse not better. My life feels empty. I am trying to get value out of life as I know he would hate me feeling like this but I honestly feel empty. If you ask me,what I want other than the obvious I have nothing. I remain completely lost.

I miss him so much. I can't conceive of never feeling love again but I can't imagine it either. My empty future is so frightening.

I expected to have good and bad days but the sheer desolation is so hard. All I am doing is existing day by day and the effort to do that is exhausting.

Sending hugs to my fellow,sufferers. I really do feel you.

Footy19Cat,

Jan died in October, and i too felt like this. I have met someone (in December) and I am starting to feel things for her. She is on my wavelength, she makes me happy (and apparently I make her feel happy).

We talked for hours about our pasts, I told her that when we met there was only a couple of months since my wife of 29 yeas had died. She is a carer and horse trainer by trade, and has only been single since June.

I was totally open and honest with her, told her everything (which isnt like me, I am normally an introvert), I even told her that I was looking for non sexual female company, which suited her.

Have I forgotten Jan? Most definitely not. But have I found someone who's company I enjoy. 100%. Neither of us want to rush to anything physical, and are happy sharing time together, talking, hugging, holding hands on walks etc. I have told her that she cant have 100% of my heart, as some of it will always be with Jan. Part of me died the day she did.

I offered to take the photos of Jan off the wall, and she shouted at me. She asked so many questions about her, it felt magical.I still speak about Jan with love, she was my first love and always will be. She was the first woman I slept with, and always will be.

We even discussed my memorial tattoos, visiting her grave on our anniversary, birthday, Christmas etc, and she has told me she will come with me, or if I need time alone, she will respect that.

Did I think I would ever love again, no i didnt. Am I happy that I might be, of course. Is she going to be a replacement for Jan? No chance, no one can ever replace her.

I did speak to one other lady before her, and it felt like I was cheating, like I was disrespecting her memory. But nothing like that now.

Lots of people have told me it is too soon, but the local Maggies Cetnre have provided me with listening support. I asked the member of staff if she thought it was too soon, she told me that my gut will tell me when its right. And this feels right.

She does have concerns about timing, but has told me that only time will quash those worries.

I am still working through a mountain of admin, and have good days and bad days. the admin seems never ending some 4 months later. The will is the biggest thing playing on my mind, causing me to be unable to sleep, not eat, not look after myself.

Only now I have the making of a two reasons to look after me. The first is my new partner, the second is me. And she has told me that I am worth a lot more than my head tells me that I am.

I think that people who use the phrases "Time is a healer" or "It gets easier" havent lost a partner. It doesnt get easier, and time doesnt heal the loss I feel. I would love to tell you it will be alright. But that would be a lie. I dont know what the future holds for me, let alone everyone else.

What my recent experience tells me is that you will know when you are ready to start looking, you will know what feels right. You will cope, I will cope. We will all cope.

I am reading about self care and compassion at the moment, as recommended by Maggies. It is helping me be less hard on me. Have you been getting any counselling or therapy? I have forced myself to get help, I have joined a walking group for bereaved partners, I have gone back to my hobbies, I start a pain management class for the first time tomorrow.

Please dont take this is (mammoth) message as my trying to rub anyones face in it, I wanted to let you know that,  while our deceased partner will never leave us, there is a potential to open new chapters when we are ready.

Take care of yourself, never forget the happy times.

Gordie

I agree with you. How do we carry on ? I am on the verge of tears all of the time, and in between,I pretend. I went food shopping today, and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I had to do some deep breathing to calm myself. The memories of how happy we were, his smile, his kindness, his hugs, his love. I want my darling, and always will. How could we have ever known that it would be so devastating. Sending kind thoughts. Kate.xxx