Lost

Why is it getting harder not easier? 
It’s been nearly 15 weeks and I still keep expecting him to be here when I get home from a walk or seeing mum. 
I still keep expecting a text to say he’s on the train home. 
I still keep expecting an answer to “Only me” when I open the front door.
Every time I see his picture or his casket I get a catch in my breath. 

I saw an advert for Alzheimer’s on tv and had the utterly stupid, utterly irrational thought “it’s not fair isnt here to look after me if I get it” or the even worse thought “he won’t get to get Alzheimer’s”. 
Why would I want that for him????? 
It’s because he should be here to get older. 
Of all the things to miss out on. 
At least he will be spared that and the other ailments which come as we get older.

Sorry, feeling really muddle headed.

I just can’t believe nor accept that my beautiful Valen has gone

Hello

I truly understand,how you,are feeling. I got carried through on the seasonal Christmas good feeling and kept myself maniacally busy. However now things are getting back to normal I hate.my new normal. I have lost my best friend, the only one who was always therefore for me and who gave me the strength and support to face anything. I feel totally lost and empty. Everywhere I go I see couples and I just want to scream.

I saw an advert on tv for a cruise and ended.up in floods.of years as will never have the opportunity to do that. Next minute was laughing hysterically as realised have never wanted to go on a formal cruise holiday.

I have absolutely no intention of harming myself but equally can't conceive of a future. 

This is just horrific and my heart goes out to all of you struggling with grief. Xx

People kept encouraging him to make a bucket list when we were told he had 3 to 6 months.

I am so very very grateful that he didn’t want to do that. 
Otherwise I would look at that list and see all the things he really really wanted to do but never got the chance to do. 
I think that would tip me over the edge.

On Friday we would have been flying to Singapore then Malaysia with my brother and sister in law (who he insisted should still go and they are). 
It was the holiday we had dreamt of for many years and had saved hard for. 
It was so heartbreaking listening to him when phoned the holiday company and cancelled it. 
The disappointment was so obvious in his voice.

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so low this week.

Hugs all round my forum friends xx

I had a ‘Crying’ day, yesterday. I woke up crying. There was a sad love song in my head, and in the dream I was crying. It really upset me as I don’t choose to feel like this, it just takes over on a wave of intense emotion. I spent a lot of yesterday talking to Paul, telling him how much I love him and miss him. Telling him that I have been faithful to my vow to him, to ‘Protect and guide our children”, that our beautiful border collie Jack is well, but misses him terribly. It just wells up, and I go with it. Later, I was watching Vera and it started me off again. He always used to mimic her northern accent for a laugh, and I used to send him off as Vera is one of my favourite programmes. It was the last episode ever, another ending. I have to keep refocusing, and telling myself that things are improving. I still have hope. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx

Hi, this paperwork is relentless, I hate it all. I am still trying to stop subscriptions, it’s heartbreaking. His Amazon Prime is about to be renewed. I’m just going to let it go and take out a new one in my name. They make It so hard to change a name. Facebook is impossible, one of my friends said she had to just leave it as it was so difficult to stop that one. It means all the memories and birthdays keep coming up I still check his iPad every day. I’ve had a quite a few bad days lately, have difficulty navigating getting back on here but here I am. Hope you are ok and survived the New Year, I went to bed, I couldn’t cope with it. I sat and watched the fireworks through the bedroom window at my daughter’s house, how sad, my husband loved New Year, always got dressed up or we went to a dance. New Year, at least I didn’t cry it can’t be any worse than last year,it’s not started well, I’ve not been well, not eating much, weather depressing and being harassed by lawyers. But I’m still here, just very lonely, hoping come the spring things will be better, it can’t go like this forever can it.

best wishes xxx 

I know what you mean about the paperwork. We are hoping for third time lucky on the probate application. It is very stressful and unsettling. I am sorry you are feeling so lonely, we need some sunshine and light to help us heal. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hi, I can’t believe it either nearly 14 weeks and its not any easier is it. My mobile is so quiet now  I used to text him all the time and he did the same. When I’m on a bus I used to text him and say thats  me on the bus then we would chat away. I guess the more you love someone the harder this grieving is. We have to believe they are at peace now, it’s just so hard, life is so fragile, how can you be ok one minute and dead the next. Still can’t get my head round this. I find I can be ok one day and so down the next, I cried so much yesterday I’m middle of the road today. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Take care of yourself xxx

I’m finding that if I have a good day ie. Only cry a couple of times, get to bed before 1am, get out for a walk, do some cleaning, see my mum or friends, do some shopping etc.
Then the next day I crash big time. Cant go out. See or speak to anyone and cry or howl all day. 
I recognise now that for me it’s guilt. 
So I’m trying to do only a couple of things per day for now, so hopefully won’t feel so guilty.

I likened it to being in a field of mud. 
Im trying to get to the other side. But my feet are so laden with mud I can barely take a step forward. Sometimes my foot pulls free and I can move forward. Then the mud thickens again and I fall backwards and am enveloped by the mud.

I also know that my grief is so great because my love for my beautiful Valen is so fierce.
And that I feel so empty because he filled my life.

Be kind to yourselves xx

We should be in Singapore right now with my brother and sister in law.

I can’t believe we are aren’t.

I feel so incredibly sad he never got to go on his dream holiday.

Its so bloody unfair that such a kind, generous, loving, positive, gentle soul was not allowed to get old with me and fulfill his dreams.