Lost

Even after 12 weeks I just do not understand how my beautiful Valen can be here one minute and the next suddenly, unexpectedly, unjustly, horrifically not here.

I sometimes rage so hard that my nails make marks in my fists when I clench them so tight. 
Or I pull at my hair and it comes out. 
Or I throw things and break them - so far a remote control when I couldn’t get the back open to change the batteries, an electric mop I couldn’t change the fluid bottle, landline handset  that kept beeping, cracked screen on iPod I couldn’t charge, the list goes on. 
Or I scream so hard into his towel or pillow I feel as though my throat will bleed.

They days when it’s just crying are actually comparatively good days.

I know exactly what you are feeling. In 1 mins it will be 11 weeks since Jan died.

It feels like such a short time, yet forever ago since i held her in my arms, played with her hair, tixkled her back in bed.

I am sure there ia a mark of my fist in the hall cupboard door, as it takes the brunt of my anger.

I dont know where you are, but i wish i was closer, close enough to give you a hug. Mental health quick fix for both of us

Hugs

G

It’s now just over 14 weeks and sometimes it feels like 4 days. Other days longer. 
But every day is a struggle. 
Every day I cry, rage and howl.
Some days more than others. Some days hardly at all. 

Today has been an horrendous day. 
Woke up crying and everything has gone wrong. 
Little things like running out of coffee. Weather to bad to go for my daily walk to clear my brain fog. 
I do Diamond Art as it’s monotonous and methodical and I loose myself in it.
Today I dropped about 200 tiny dot things on the floor and took ages to pick out the fluff as not bothered to hoover lately. 
Eyes to puffy from crying to do my jigsaw. Another activity that I can loose time with.

Then my taco said one of the radiator thermostats wasn’t working. 
I got it off and after a fight wit(nit was able to change the batteries. 
But couldn’t get it back on the radiator. After nearly 40 minutes I got so angry that my beautiful Valen wasn’t here to do it I threw it across the room. 
Obviously it broke. Of course. Thank goodness the radiator was off. I’ll get someone round tomorrow.

I’m glad Sunday is over and hope Monday is better.

Hi there, it sounds like you had a horrible day. We are literally frighting for ourselves every day. Sometimes, the loss is too hard to bear and I want to scream. I was working on the probate last night with my daughter (third attempt to get it right}. Fourteen pages long, full of tedious questions. I have to do it as we have a mortgage still. The anxiety it has caused on top of the grief has nearly finished me off. I refuse to give in. I am bl…dy minded, it has got me through a lot. Sending hugs and kindness. Kate. Xxx

Ive had to get a solicitor to help with probate. I know it’s cost, but on top of everything I just couldn’t face it.

They’ve also done the HMRC tax assessment as no way could I get my head round that! 
For that they wanted to even know how much has been gift aided! 
HMRC had the paperwork in the post as soon as they got notification of his leaving us. 
Shits.

Though the sadmin does keep me occupied, putting things in my name, cancelling his subscriptions etc it’s bloody soul destroying. 
And every time you do a bit it just slams it right back into your heart why you are having to do it.

xx

Feel for you Mrs VT

There are some days even 18 months in I still find it surreal that my dear Jay (husband) is not here. The weather has been very cold and icy over the last couple of days and I went out one day and just got out my front door and down I went. I have 3 little steps at my front door and obviously they iced over and I didn't notice but I managed to get back up and luckily my neighbour who lives below me was coming in at the time and made sure I was ok. If Jay were here he would have been out salting all those steps to make sure we were safe and it's the little things like that that I miss. Little incidentals like that you miss he was always very cautious that way. Miss him for a lot of things. Christmas is gone now and everything is back to normal more or less now so time to try to move forward again.

Hello little Scottish person, 

Just a wee hello. Sorry you had that fall. Hope it isn't too serious. Glad Christmas is over too, found it much harder this year. Lonely. Have to get on with it though. Plowing through photos that Barry took as he was a professional photographer. Some memories are so painful when I look at them, I have to stop. Do plan to come to Glasgow in April, I think. Would love to meet. Have two others on this who might be interested! 

Take care. Thinking of you . xxx hugs 

If it offers any consolation I'm used to completing pro-form as part of my previous job but have decided to pay to sort probate. I simply found it soul destroying feels as if I'm simply reducing my wife's life down to the detritus of  belongings and finance she was so much more that that.

That’s exactly how it feels!
You have expressed it perfectly.

I wish I had done that. I will give it another week, then decide if I need to hand it over to a solicitor. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx