Lost

12 weeks. 
Doesn’t seem real. Or possible. Or any less painful. 

Every time I open my eyes I don’t see him. 
Every time I close my eyes I don’t hear him. Or feel him.

Everywhere I look I see him. 
Every sound reverberates back to him.

Where is that middle ground?

It is coming up to 19 weeks for me. I am still crying myself to sleep most nights. We went to the West Country to say goodbye. It was our dream to move down there, and we were half way through the legal process. We sat in the car and both sobbed, as we knew it wouldn’t be long. I said to my darling, “I don’t know how to do this”. He just cried even more as he knew he would have to leave me. I will never get over that pain. The survival part of me is fighting. Every day, I put one foot in front of the other and try to function. Fortunately, I came from a tough upbringing, and one of five, with few advantages. I am using every ounce of strength, resilience and sheer bloody mindedness to find a way through. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx

For some reason the 12 weeks mark has held an almost landmark time to me. 
I don’t really know why. 
I say it with disbelief. With utter confusion. 
It sounds such a long time and yet hardly any time at all to be without him.

Today is the first time in a couple of weeks that I’ve cried virtually all day. 
My crying pattern has slowly changed. 
Instead of bouts of crying for hours I know have many short bursts of crying that are over quite quickly but are quite explosive and sudden.

Today I had a cry when I opened the fridge and saw the bottle holder he insisted on getting but I never saw the point of.
Which I’ve seen nearly daily but today it just made me cry.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better xx

Gosh. It’s so cold tonight! 

Im missing my human hot water bottle. 
Even with 2 hot water bottles and an extra blanket the bed is so cold without his warmth. 
My beautiful Valen was always hot and I am always cold.

I miss his yelp as my ice block feet accidentally touch his leg. 

Oh Footycat!

It is still early days for you and I do feel what you are going through. Yes it can be very exhausting trying to be positive. All the admin stuff gave me something to focus on for a little while and funnily took my mind off what was going on even though it was attributed to my husband's death. It just felt so surreal that it was happening but in a way it felt it wasn't happening to me and to someone else instead if that makes sense. And why shouldn't you still use `Mrs` I still do. Find that a bit of an odd question to ask. Each to their own on that though but I'm still `Mrs`. Some ladies like to go back to `Ms` or `Miss` but that's their choice. I just hope you get through Christmas as best you can. Sending you hugs and Best Wishes moving forward. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Is there a middle ground? On Tuesday last week, i went out with the local hospice bereavement walking group. I met such lovely people who are, like all of us on here, at different stages of grieving the loss of a partner.

And like here, everyone was so kind, understanding, and when they said "I know how you feel", i believed that did.

Getting to hear from others who struggled to care for their spouse at home, haven't really been eating or sleeping was excellent.

I had a shit weekend, i was really down after shopping, all the Christmas stuff going on, people holding hands and kissing, showing all the signs of joy and excitement that Jan used to.

I thought about ending my life, as the pain would end, and i would be back with Jan. Sobbing in the car, i called 111 and spoke to the mental health team, and now have a death intervention specialist working with me until the new year.

I still feel that i need someone in my life, and am continuing to try and set up a date. I just feel so lonely, but will not rush into anything.

I have been over honest with those i am chatting with, not only telling them that it was 11 weeks ago, that I have several memorial tattoos for her, but that i will always feel love for Jan. If they can't accept that, they are not right to become a friend, let alone a new partner.

I know that some peeps think its too soon, but i think the time is right. I am always going to have love for Jan, be that in 11 weeks, 11 months, or 11 years.

Stay safe everyone, i wish you all as good a festive season as you can have.

Its not easy, i know, but if you need to, please speak to someone. Samaritans are open all year round, as is our wonderful NHS

Love and virtual hugs to each and everyone

Gordie xxx

Kate, snap. I don't know why my pillow isnt soaking wet in the morning.

I too had a robust upbringing, with a family trait of stubbornness.

Still not going to make me whole again , i feel like half my heart was ripped out on the 6th October, and i am definitely missing one inside of me.

Bonus point if you can recognise the song. Its on repeat most of the day, as it resonates with how i feel most of the time.

Hugs

Gordie xxx

It's true what they say MrsVT you have to have experienced it to know exactly what it's like and on here we all have. Great we have this forum to come to to be able to vent, scream, shout etc. I just go with the `empty feelings` now until they pass and when I feel like crying or feel it coming on, I just let it happen because as I said it's a `release` and a `relief` when it does because it wasn't happening at the beginning when I felt it should have been. The `dark days/weeks` still happen but they leave and I move on. Wish you well and sending hugs.

Vicky x

I get that completely.

Jan had breast cancer in 2000 resulting in a mastectomy, and in 2005 (weeks before the all clear) she got it again, this time it was a lumpectomy and chemo.

After the 1st bout, the chemotherapy resulted in her missing her menopause. She didn't escape fully, she was forever "flushing", where she would go from hot to cold and back again several times an hour.

I have now moved the cat in, and gone from a 3.5 tog duvet to a 15 tog one.

Still not the same as my pink and squishy hot water bottle

Other that getting someone else in bed, which is not an interest to me at the moment, i don't know how to fix it.

Mornings are defo the worst

Love and hugs

Gordie xxx

This Is what i love about being here. I thought i was the only one who had dark days / weeks.

To hear you all talk so openly, so honestly is way beyond what i expected.

My heart does go out to you all xxx