Lost

This is my last night of 5 with my big brother and sis in law in Wales and though I’ve had a relatively good time, a “normal” time, I cannot wait to get back home.

Back to our home. 
Our familiar surroundings, sights, sounds and smells. 
Our bed. 
Our sofa. 

I have missed my non-routine. 
Not sure if that makes sense? 

But I want to get back to crying and not holding back. 
Back to eating when and what I want. 
Bed ditto. 
Not being “jollied” along. 
Not being told how strong I am and how well I’m doing.

Im glad I came and proved to myself I can do a 5 hour train journey across country. 
And as I say, I’ve had a nice time.

But the incredible sadness and heartache at my beautiful Valen not joining our walks, meals, conversations has been overwhelming and just smashes home that he has left me and is never going to walk into the room again.

Big hugs xx

Thank you all for your replies. My heart goes out to all of you. I cannot put into words how I am feeling and how hard this is. I know I am lucky to have known such love but this is so hard. I almost wish I hadn't as it wouldn't hurt so much.

Sending hugs and heartfelt sympathy to you all and hope we can find a way through xx

You should be proud of yourself. I get it about you wanting to be at home. My approach was that I was “Going to go with it”. The pain had to come out. I wanted to be left alone to weep, scream, mourn. I genuinely think at times I was unhinged. it is only recently that the intensity has eased a little for me. People try to understand, but they just can’t. The platitudes, {although well meaning} don’t help. At times it makes me want to scream at them. Horrible, aren’t I. Sending hugs and kindness. Kate. Xxx

Nobody will ever understand, except us. Everyday, I have to have a ‘Little Chat”, to try and motivate myself for the day and get stuff done. I am a wounded animal inside, mourning my mate. On the outside, I pretend to everyone else. I suppose it is called survival. Sending hugs. Xxx

I share all of this. I'm a little further along this sad journey than you, but remember so well how i felt after my first visit with family. I was able to enjoy doing things, but the feeling of exhaustion and relief when I got home was overwhelming. I sobbed for about 2 days solid. It wasn't that I was deliberately suppressing how I felt when I was away, and I wasn't just putting on a brave face, but home is my safe space. 

I've worked out that I really need to pace myself and build in a lot of solitary time. I think the balance is shifting (8 months on), and I'm doing more as each month passes but for me, quiet time with my grief is a rally important part of life.

Hugs back to you, and hope you are home safe now. xx

First thing I did was get my beautiful Valen out of the case and back in his spot in the conservatory in the middle of everything. 
Deep sigh of relief.

Then I patrolled our home. 
Stroking his side of the bed and patting his pillow. 
Into pyjamas, cup of tea. The Chase on t.v. 
Another sigh of relief.

Had a nightmare journey home with delays, overcrowding. Noise. 
Had a minor, discreet, meltdown when guard tried to turn my case on the luggage rack. I grabbed his arm and was going “NONONONONO, please don’t. My husbands in there an he can’t go on his side! 
He was incredibly good with this insane lady!!!
He was really careful. 
And respectful. 
Had to laugh telling my sister!

I'm glad I did it but I’m not going away again for a loooooooong time.

I am so very glad to be back in my safe space where I can be myself and act my normal, real self.

xx

Hi Mrs VT

What you are saying you are doing/going through seems `normal`. I too feel `safe` in my own home too where I can do and be what I want.  Sometimes when I am home I want to go out and when I do go out I cant get back home quick enough to my `safe place`. One week until Christmas and I am missing him so much today  even though he was not a big fan of Christmas but would be fussing and stressing about how to do the Christmas dinner that was his thing as he loved cooking always had to be experimenting with dishes of some sort. Had a little cry earlier on and it helped. These seem to come out of the blue just now but I just let them happen and it's a relief and a release when it happens. Last year Christmas came and went and I never gave him much thought but I think that was because I was only months in from losing him so I think I was still processing his loss to much to think of Christmas without him. This year though it is so different as it's been a full year without him so had more time to reflect I think. I have lost a couple of other people too this year. My son's future wife lost her mother to cancer too in April this year and in September my aunt in Australia passed away. She was my godmother as well as my aunt and my sister is having health issues also at the moment. She just beat cancer for a 2nd time but now has heart issues. It's like 2 steps forward and 3 back just now. Just hope next year will be better. Sending you my best wishes. 

Vicky x

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Vicky, you put into words what I have been trying to express to my family and friends!

I’m the same with wanting to go out - going to see our friends in our cafe, bit of shopping, go for a drive, for a walk, going to see mum.

But after about half hour to an hour I start to feel the panic and anxiety begin to rise. 
The need to get back to him and breath in the home atmosphere becomes urgent and I rush back home.

As soon step in I begin to calm down, my breathing steadies and I feel safe again. 
It’s as if he says “It’s ok. I’m here. Your here. We’re together”. 

No one gets it except us. 
Except, my mum has started to recognise the signs. She has started to say “time to go”. 
Mums instinct!

I have certainly begun to accept and embrace my feelings of sadness, distress, anger, confusion.
The sudden crying, wailing, howling no longer take me by surprise as nothing surprises me anymore.

In a few hours it will be 12 weeks. 
Unbelievable is all I can say.

Huge hugs

I went to visit my darling today. We are off to Lanzarote on Saturday morning, and I have mixed feeling about it. It will be the first time I have holidayed without him, travel was one of our joint hobbies. Our adult children are coming too, and our border collie Jack is going into kennels. My daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD, by her works Occupational Therapist. She has been signed off work until early January. We shall see how it goes as it is new territory. Sending hugs to all. Kate. Xxx