Lost

This is my last night of 5 with my big brother and sis in law in Wales and though I’ve had a relatively good time, a “normal” time, I cannot wait to get back home.

Back to our home. 
Our familiar surroundings, sights, sounds and smells. 
Our bed. 
Our sofa. 

I have missed my non-routine. 
Not sure if that makes sense? 

But I want to get back to crying and not holding back. 
Back to eating when and what I want. 
Bed ditto. 
Not being “jollied” along. 
Not being told how strong I am and how well I’m doing.

Im glad I came and proved to myself I can do a 5 hour train journey across country. 
And as I say, I’ve had a nice time.

But the incredible sadness and heartache at my beautiful Valen not joining our walks, meals, conversations has been overwhelming and just smashes home that he has left me and is never going to walk into the room again.

Big hugs xx

Thank you all for your replies. My heart goes out to all of you. I cannot put into words how I am feeling and how hard this is. I know I am lucky to have known such love but this is so hard. I almost wish I hadn't as it wouldn't hurt so much.

Sending hugs and heartfelt sympathy to you all and hope we can find a way through xx

You should be proud of yourself. I get it about you wanting to be at home. My approach was that I was “Going to go with it”. The pain had to come out. I wanted to be left alone to weep, scream, mourn. I genuinely think at times I was unhinged. it is only recently that the intensity has eased a little for me. People try to understand, but they just can’t. The platitudes, {although well meaning} don’t help. At times it makes me want to scream at them. Horrible, aren’t I. Sending hugs and kindness. Kate. Xxx

Nobody will ever understand, except us. Everyday, I have to have a ‘Little Chat”, to try and motivate myself for the day and get stuff done. I am a wounded animal inside, mourning my mate. On the outside, I pretend to everyone else. I suppose it is called survival. Sending hugs. Xxx