Xmas

Hello. My husband died in June and, like you, I felt like I was coping OK. Lately though, I feel like I’m just treading water, marking time, stagnating even... I know I’ve done a lot of the necessary ‘stuff’, and I am seeing the psychologist from the palliative care team which helps immensely, but Christmas will be tricky to navigate. It will be the first time I’ll spend it with my family again after about 20 years and I know everyone is excited and will be considerate, but they won’t understand. And I’m hoping there won’t be lots of questions about how I’m doing!

I really don’t think you are taking a step backwards at all by turning down those invitations. It seems eminently sensible, and shows just how well you understand what you need to do for your own well-being and sanity. To me that’s ‘coping’, not going backwards. Sending you a hug.

I have no idea how I feel about Christmas.

My husband passed away on 1st August this year.

I've put the tree up, coz I love all the lights. And some people think it's odd I've got a tree up.

I did decorate it differently to how my husband would of, he was red and gold, but I wanted all my silver and sparkles up. I got the tree out of the box and there was 1 red bauble! The red bauble has stayed there and always will.

I feel I'm wearing a mask. Smiling looking like I'm coping, but I'm not.

Love and hugs to all

Hi Villafix!

This will be my second Christmas without my husband and I get what you are saying. He passed last June (2023) from bowel cancer after a 2 year fight. My `first` last year wasn't too bad my sone had my sister and I over to theirs but don't know what will happen this year as my son's partner's mother passed away in April this year also from cancer so she will no doubt want to be with her dad. I'm really just not feeling the `Christmas vibe` this year at all. Last year I just went through the motions of it don't have a decoration or nothing up just now but I will force myself to do so because I have a little granddaughter and will try and get enthusiastic for her sake. My sister as well as my son and his partner are all I have but at times that's enough that I do still have some people around me. My sister has learning and mental health issues she is in her early 70's and has a mentality of an 18 year old she needs me for a lot of things. She doesn't live with me but lives not far within walking distance at a sheltered acommodation complex. She can be independent and go out on her own but needs me for things in authority. She got a bowel cancer diagnosis only two months after my husband passed last year but her's was not as serious as my husband's and was caught very early just a case of them taking her in cutting the tumour out which was very small and there was no need for any post radio or chemotherapy. It's like a role reversal for both of us I am the younger sister looking after the older one when it is usually the other way about so when looking for empathy or understanding she is not someone I can go to because she just really doesn't get it. When you tell her how you feel she'll say to you `oh I feel like that myself sometimes` and then it's `oh you'll be ok` but then she tries to make it about her all the time. This is why I come on to these forums and speak to people I know will understand. I wish you well in moving forward and hope you have as best a Christmas as possible. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Boxing Day will be 3 months to the day my beautiful Valen was taken from me. 

We love love loved Christmas. 
All the decorations. 
Taste testing mince pies. 
Making our own crackers. 
Christmas T.V specials. 
Highlighting programmes in the Radio Times. 

How is Christmas ever going to be joyful again.

That has been whirling round my head.

But I am getting our puppy Wednesday, so hopefully Christmas will be bearable.

It is sure as hell going to be different.

Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve been on, how Are you doing? I’m so pleased you are getting a puppy, I’m sure it will help, I love watching my daughter’s wee dog, it helped me through my darkest days. Im actually dreading waking up on Christmas morning alone, I know I will get an excited phone call in the morning and I will continue to put a brave face on but it’s going to be so difficult. I’m going to buy myself a few treats so that I have a few presents under the tree, is that sad? I’m going to get picked up later in the day to go to family which I’m grateful for. I’m dreading New Year even more as we always went to a dance and had everyone for dinner the next day. I can’t even think about it this year. It’s sad all the people that said oh we must meet for a coffee, they never happen, everyone thinks you are ok now, you are just left to get on with it.  Xx

Hi, I’m glad you put your tree up, I did as well, 9 weeks since my husband died, he loved having the tree and lights up so I did put them up, I have a garland round my fireplace with sparkly lights as well and also all round my porch, why not. It makes me happy and I will take any bit of happiness I can get in my miserable life just now. I’m wearing that mask as well, it’s still so hard trying to get on with life. I’m living in limbo with tons of legal things to cope with as well as grieving. I don’t think I will be able to move on for months yet. The next few weeks are going to be so difficult to cope with, I wish it was next year. Xx

It was Jan's time of year. I have hated it for as long as I can remember.

I always helped put the tree up, decorated it for her, watching her redo it was one of the highlights of my year. She was grateful that I tried, but there were 2 ways of doing things, Jan's way or the wrong way

She would fix all my colour blind errors and clashes, mumbling away with a smile on her face.

This year, no decorations are going up, in fact I am waiting for my daughter to come and take the bits she wants, the rest are going to charity, or one of the free pages I follow, so someone who will be happy this Christmas can have them.

It's going to be hard, I have ordered flowers to out on her grave on Christmas day, on a wee detour to my daughters house.

I am not looking forward to the other bits of the day when I will be alone   as evident by ne writing this through watery eyes.

I bought myself 2 presents this year. One framed print for the sitting room and one for the bedroom.

I am planning to  see the solicitors this week to try and sort the will out, but its 9 weeks since she died tonight, so that might get rescheduled for next week.

Thinking of you all at this time, life is hard. And for me, sucking like a Dyson at the moment

Take care

Gordie

Charlie!
Ive been thinking about you as it’s been a while. 
Been sending you little hugs through the airwaves.

I didn’t get the puppy. 
On the morning I was due to get her, when my sister came to puck me up, I had a complete meltdown. 
I decided it would be unfair to a puppy. Confusing them with my flip flopediness, erratic emotions, screaming, crying. 
I can’t look after myself properly let alone a puppy. 
So I have packed everything I bought up into the garage for when I am ready.

Im taking an airbed and sleeping bag to my mum’s Christmas Eve so I don’t wake up alone on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. 
I helped her put up her decorations as I haven’t been able to do mine yet. 
I’ve got them all out for when I feel ready.

2 big things this week!

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a part time job. 
I absolutely cannot contemplate going back to the GP surgery I work at. 
So I’ve applied for job at a supermarket which will take me 10 to 15 mins to walk to and I would go past my mums, so handy for when I finish.
So fingers crossed.

Then Wednesday I’m going to my brother in Wales. 
I’ve tried it out and my beautiful Valen’s casket fits in the suitcase and I can carry it. 
I wouldn’t even think about going if I had to leave him behind. 
I may wake up on the day and still decide it’s too much, have a panic attack and not go. 
My bro understands this and there is no pressure from him.

Another long post.

Big “we got to the end of another week” hug xx

Oh gordie, life really does suck especially at this time of year. I was in my lawyers office for over an hour, I cried a little but was quite pleased with myself. It will be about ten weeks before I have to go in and sign these legal documents but been bombarded with emails with her wanting this and that. It’s never ending.i would not wish this on my worst enemy. Putting my tree up actually helped me, I do smile at my tree and cheers the room up but I know for a fact my husband wouldn’t have done it if it was me that had died. It’s still not getting any easier is it. We usually book our holidays for next year at this time but that’s another hurdle for another day. Let’s get through Christmas, and new Year which I will be on my own, dreading it. Take care xx

Aww sorry you didn’t get the puppy, you will when you are ready. When I watched my daughter’s dog on the 2nd week, the dog was really good with me, she cuddled into me and when I started sobbing she got up quickly to lick my face. Hate licks lol. She was so good for me but I really missed her when she went home and I think she missed me. I slept on the couch and so did she. She was really unsettled when she went home but I get the best welcome when I go over to stay a few nights. Well done for getting an interview, if I was younger a part time job would do me good, I’d talk to everyone I still don’t see anyone, all those we will meet for a coffee doesn’t really happen. I get loads of text’s but unless I travel I don’t see anyone. I’ve had a stinker of a chest infection and not been over the door for days, I need to get out tomorrow and have a few appointments next week that I have to go to. . I put my tree up a few days ago, yes I cried but honestly it does cheer my house up, he bought a tacky new star last year and it makes me smile. I forced myself to go to a Panto last weekend which I quite enjoyed it. This weekend has been hard to cope with as it’s the first one I’ve stayed in the house. I’ve been visiting my sister and had to stay with her, this weekend I’m staying with one of my friends as they talked me into going to a ladies Xmas night. I am better when I’m out. I’m living in limbo atm with all the legal problems I have but trying not to think about it, just get a knot in my stomach very time I see an email from lawyers. Was at rock bottom for a few weeks, but I don’t where the strength came from, I pulled myself up and determined not to let all this stuff get to me. I really only have my tv for company, no one been in my house for weeks apart from my daughter, that’s also getting less but she does text me every morning to check up on me. The loneliness is the worse thing for me. Will we ever get used to that, I don’t know.