Guilt

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I think that you’re right, a lot of this is how we handle our thoughts. I’ve suffered with anxiety for many years, although ironically nothing like now, but our minds can play such tricks on us. I hope, one day, to have some sort of control over it. 

We, like you, had many very very happy years together yet I know that I’m dwelling on the few moments when I could’ve handled things better. The good outweighed those by so far but I guess I’m analysing everything now. And giving myself a hard time because I’m here and he’s not. 

I had a counselling session today, with lots of tears, and it felt ok. It’s my third one now do perhaps it’s because I’m getting to know the counsellor and she, me, to an extent. 

All of your responses really do help, so I thank you, with all of my heart.

I would also like to thank all on the forum, as have all made me realise that the feelings I have are not unique to me, and its normal to feel they way I do, and the thoughts I have.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety for years. I have a lot of triggers, but the worst one was losing Jan and being alone. Turns out its worse than I imagined, but would I change my time with her?  Not a chance.

Worry Warrior I am sure everyone has times in their lives they regret, where they didn't handle the event as well as they could have. I am trying to convince myself that those events, no matter how badly handled by me it was, were not that bad, as she stayed with me.

I have counselling today, well listening support, and I know there will be tears. I have accepted that crying, not sleeping well, not eating / eating well, wandering around the house in the middle of the night, looking for her, missing her are all part of this process.

I have ordered a print of one of my favourite pics of her, the one displayed at her funeral, to be blown up and framed. There are 4 in total, one for each of my kids, one for the sitting room so I can see her and speak to her, the other for the bedroom so I will still wake up and see her happy face.

In no way will that replace having her with me, nor the heat she gave off in the night. When I tell people I miss being in bed with her, their thoughts immediately go to sex. But its not that, not at all. Its intimacy, cuddles, kisses and tickles I miss most.

All the other stuff will take time, but I am sure I will survive. and I hope we can all say that.

Take care everyone, stay strong. We will get through this. It will never be the same, and its going to be hard.

Hugs all round

Gordie

I hope your counselling was ok today Gordie. 

I’ve been wondering about photos. We meant to get some put up but never got around to it so wasn’t sure if I should do so now. I have some just around loose for me to look at but maybe I should frame a couple.

Definitely miss intimacy and cuddles so much. You can’t beat a proper cuddle from your other half. His was so big, strong, and comforting. Others keep trying to hug me but I don’t want it, I just want his. 

Wishing you all a calm and gentle nights sleep.

Hi there, bedtime is the worse time for me too. We all have our little routines that we miss. My husband Paul fell out of a tree when he was eight. That meant he could only lay on his right side. I miss being able to cuddle his back, and listen to him snoring and annoying me, but I wouldn’t change it. I miss him ironing his two hankies, one for his glasses and another if a lady needed it. I miss him opening doors for me, walking on the outside of the road to protect me, holding hands, sitting on the decking and having a glass of wine, travelling abroad together, our banter and generally taking the piss. We made it work for us. We were together forty years. No one compares to my man. Kate. Xxx 

I got our favourite photo of us on our wedding day enlarged and put on canvas which I hung in our lounge. 
I didn’t notice at first, but it’s a tiny bit over life size. 
I realised when I found myself stroking his face every time I went past it.

Now I kiss him in the morning and when I eventually go to bed. 
I need to get it coated as where I kiss his lips will soon deteriorate! 

Im going through all our memory discs and cards and getting my favourite pictures printed out and putting in an album. 
When ive gone through them all I’ll get my favourites reprinted and do some montage pictures.

Its bitter sweet isn’t it. 
Looking at all the happy pictures. Him all smiling and healthy. Wonderful, joyful memories.
Then seeing the picture in your head of the wreck of our beloveds.
When I feel the overwhelming sadness and regret for our stolen future, I look at the photo albums again and can get myself back to a better place. 

Hugs xx

I did a photo reel to go on loop at my husband’s celebration of life so have gone through so many photos. It was heartbreaking to see all of those happy memories and to realise that we won’t make any more. 

I just can’t forgive myself for not realising that he was so ill and for not getting him help sooner. He didn’t understand why he became so sick so quickly. He wasn’t ready to go and didn’t want to leave me.

I’m so overwhelmed with sadness that I can barely breathe.

I can’t get my head around so many of us on here being told our beloveds have several months, some years, to go. 
Then being told their life will be slashed and that they now only have several weeks. 
Then we only get several days. 

How is this possible? 
That the professionals can be so off? 
I know it’s an aggressive bugger of a disease, but even so.

We have been given hope. 
Then the hope dies. 
We are cheated. 
 
Then while we are trying to process their leaving us so untimely, so horribly we are hit with all the sadmin. 
No time to actually grieve, just form after form after form. 
Having to repeat again and again “my husband or wife has passed away”.

Can you believe that when I tried to cancel his Health Lottery account they wanted a copy of his death certificate and proof of probate!!!!!
I told them to eff off. It’s just a bloody lottery.

And now we have to cope with all the jollity, shiny, memory laden Christmas and New Year. 
I am spending it with my 89 year old mum who is feeling terribly guilty about being alive when my beautiful Valen has gone. Dear mum. I told her that her mum hugs are much needed.

Anyway, this year, my present to Valen and I is going to be a daschund puppy. 
Something we had been planning but obviously didn’t get to together.

Blimey. 
I do go on don’t I!

Love and a hug xx

The cynical side of me thinks that  they are; ‘Letting us down Gently’’, as we won’t be able to cope with the bad news all in one go. The other side thinks that that they don’t bloody know what they are doing. I was doing quite well today until I heard, ‘Driving home for Christmas’, by Chris Rea. it was one of our favourite Christmas songs. I just cried. I can’t bear it, we have another month of this. At least we are going away for the big event. I can’t seem to be consistent with my feelings. One minute I am feeling calm, then angry, then tearful. How are we meant to make progress ? I am really pleased you are getting a puppy, that’s a lovely idea. Sending hugs. Xxx

irq74 said:

the worst one was losing Jan and being alone. Turns out its worse than I imagined, but would I change my time with her?  Not a chance.

That is exactly how I feel. I did try to mentally prepare myself for the death of my wife - but I now realise that doing so is just impossible. Losing my wife, and now being totally alone and with no real support, is just appalling. But would I change my time with her? No chance: I would do it all again in a heartbeat. And I know that she felt the same.

irq74 said:

I have ordered a print of one of my favourite pics of her

I did the same thing. When my wife was first diagnosed with primary cancer, I suddenly realised that I didn't have any recent photos of her: I had gotten lazy, and my wife was the one who used a camera. So I arranged to visit a photographer, and we had some portraits made. After her death, I sent copies of the best one to many of her friends and relatives, and I have the same framed portrait on my bedroom wall.

I've also had some other pictures of her printed out, and framed. My wife has died, and I know that she is not coming back - but those pictures are very important. In some ways, they feel like all I now have.

I send you love, and best wishes. Although it seems impossible, we have to carry on.

Well, I will have to create structure and routine to my life from Wednesday. 

I’ve bitten the bullet and getting a puppy. 
It’s something my beautiful Valen asked me to do. 
We knew I would be lonely and he knew I would loose my grip. 
So he said that when he went I was to promise I would get the puppy we had talked about for years.

So I will have to start doing things at regular times and focus.

My head at the moment is all other the damn place! 
I am obviously very excited. 
But it’s so incredibly sad that he isn’t here to help pick her and the things she needs. 

I feel so guilty that I feel excited. 
So I cry. 
But it’s what he really wanted me to do, so I’m doing as instructed. 
But it should be the 2 of us.

I cried my eyes out in the car with my sister on the way home after I had picked her.

But I know I need this to happen.

Dammit, I hate feeling so emotionally flip flop.