Guilt

Hi. I think that guilt is something that we all carry even when we can rationalise it. For me it was the huge guilt of not being able to save him. I was a nurse and  had worked in oncology for six years so understood the odds but that didn't stop the irrational grief that is still there 18 months later  it is just hidden away now and appears very occasionally.  I gave up nursing after he died  I couldn't face it  but as Northern Lass says in otherwise my life day to day is the same but different. I concentrate on day by day. I am glad that apart from work I did not have to make any big decisions after he died  the small ones were difficult enough.

Just concentrate on the present for now  do what needs to be done and try to give yourself a break  you are stronger than you think.

Sulubee

Hi,

Our stories match so well. My wife started complaining of a pain under her breast which was initially diagnosed as Costochondritis, an inflammatory condition in the latter part of June. Steroids and painkillers seemed to make no difference.

She got weaker and was in more pain, so we went back to the doctor after our holiday on the 10th July. Urgent scans were requested, which we got a letter telling us were going to be carried out in September. Nothing thinking that this was urgent enough, I called the doctor who advised we go to A&E, which we did.

6 hours in A&E and the world was ripped away from us, with an initial diagnosis of Liver cancer. Shocked and scared, we went home. A week later we saw the oncologist who said it should be treatable but not curable, but we could expect 7 - 10 years together, but he needed to perform tests and scans to confirm.

We met him again 2 weeks later, and he broke the news that her cancer had progressed to terminal, and there were no treatment options available. This was now the end of August.

She was stating to deteriorate, but still mobile and independent as always.

In the next 5 weeks, she went from my strong wife to a frail old lady, who was bed bound.

She died 7 weeks ago yesterday.

She was 72, I am 50. We were together for 31.5 years, and celebrated our 29th anniversary in July (a few days prior to the diagnosis).

I still dont know how to carry on without her, there are so many memories and it seems that everything reminds me of her. Being in the car, going to bed, the sunrise, the garden which she tended, everything.

I have found speaking to the peeps on this forum one of the most valuable resources out there. I have a couple of counselling (listening) sessions which I have attended, and I am not sure they are working for me. Even though she died at home (her wish) and I cared for her throughout her illness, I have approached the local hospice for grief counselling, but as there is a 5 month wait, I cant comment yet.

Yet everyone on here has been through the same, everyone knows the pain, and the fact they are still here gives me hope that I can go on, and that all of my feelings are legitimate.

Crying at the drop of a hat and at random, sadness, loneliness, anger, pride, shock, learning to do things without her. Like you we did everything together. She retired in 2016, I started working from home full time in 2017. So we have 7 years of being together 24x7.

I dont have the words to make you feel better, nor make it all right. But I wrote this through tears to let you know that you are not alone.

Stay safe, stay strong, and find someone to speak to. Use this forum, there is normally someone around to chat to.

Take care.

Gordie

Hi Gordie 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I can see how hard it was for you.

Our stories do match closely. My husband went from being a big strong man, (he was a gardener) to a thin frail shell of his former self in a few weeks and also became bed bound. I kept thinking that if he just ate something and got sone physio to build up his strength again, he would be ok. I had no idea what was coming.

Everything reminds me of him everywhere as we were always together and for so long.

I’ve had a couple of counselling sessions via our local hospice as that’s where he died (as he deteriorated so quickly). I’m not sure if they’re working or not as I just cry right the way through. 

I really do appreciate the support of those having replied. I just feel so alone.

I had counselling through the hospice as well. Like you I cried through most of them but having a space just to cry and rage is invaluable. I didn't realise it at first but it almost releases you from not wanting to cry in front of family.

Don't feel alone  we all understand. 

Yes, it is terribly unfair and so very painful. To be honest, I wish my darling had never had chemo. When they gave him eighteen months to two years, it gave him hope. He never had a chance to come to terms with it. It was horrible and he could barely swallow. When we went for the last consultant’s appointment, we were told two to three weeks. It was eleven days. I sat on the floor in the consultants room and hugged him. The consultant said, ‘I have never seen that before’. I said, ‘I don’t care’. My poor husband said, ‘But you said I had eighteen months.’ I see it as a form of slow torture. It was cruel. He was very brave and had dignity. I visited his grave today with our border collie Jack. It was beautiful, and I have decided to do a Christmas Arrangement for the grave. I had a good chat with him and it helped me feel calmer. Sending hugs and love. Kate. Xxx

It really is cruel Kate, that word keeps coming back to me.

My husband is home with me as he was cremated and I did feel some anxiety lift when he came home so I know what you mean about being calmer.

I too have dogs, 2 miniature schnauzers,  who absolutely loved their daddy and he adored them. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without them over these last weeks.

Sending gentle hugs to you too x

Thanks. I have another 4 sessions so we’ll see how it goes. It’s unlikely that I’ll not continue to blub though I suspect. 

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness. I am not sleeping well at all. Last night I cried myself to sleep (again). My eyelids were so puffy this morning I could barely see out of them. Today, I have made myself get on with things and not nap. I have had a beach walk with Jack, taken our son to the optician and visited Paul. I refuse to be destroyed (it would be so easy), as our adult children need me. I am really fighting hard to survive. Our border collie misses his daddy so much. We wouldn’t come out from under the dining table for weeks after my husband passed. I am pleased you have your husband with you. Sending hugs. Xxx

I'm very sorry to read your post - but, thank you for posting: you are among friends here.

Regarding this:

Worry Warrior said:

I feel that I wasn’t sympathetic when he was feeling bad but I had no idea that he was so ill, and nor did he. But I can’t stop thinking about it and beating myself up about it. I certainly didn’t think that he would die. How can I ever get over that?

I think I understand how you feel. My situation is different (my profile tells the fuller story) but, ever since my wife died, I have often thought about the times when I could have been just a generally better and more patient person. Don't get me wrong: my wife and I had a brilliant life together, and we loved each other deeply. But I am just being honest here: I could be grumpy at times over the years and, now that I ponder that, I just wish that that hadn't been the case.

In response, what I tell myself is: I am only human. And we are all flawed beings to some extent. It would be easy to succumb to guilt - but guilt is a destructive and unhelpful emotion. I am willing myself to avoid it - but it's there.

In general, I think that part of grieving is, over the long term, a process of trying to gain control over one's thoughts. Currently (and for me, it's now more than a year since my wife died), I am still randomly assailed by thoughts of my wife's suffering, and of some things which I should have handled better. But, in time, I hope that I am able to control my thoughts so that I generally just remember the good times.

You and your husband had a great life together. You had no control over the illness which killed him - that was just blind bad luck - and you did your very best for him. He will have known that, and appreciated it.

By the way, I see that you have subsequently posted to the effect that you are now getting some bereavement counselling. I am pleased to read that. I had the same, and it helped me. The process was mainly me talking at a trained listener for an hour each time, and being constantly in tears. But talking aloud to somebody like that was helpful - even though I couldn't tell you exactly why.

We are all in a horrible place here - but I hope that we can help each other. I send you love, and best wishes.

My sleeping is terrible too. I go off ok, then wake and can’t get back to sleep for ages or dose on and off. Each time I wake though, just for a few seconds, I forget what’s happened. It’s like torture. 

We had no children but I do have my furry boys to help me through. A beach walk sounds lovely, we loved to do that often on holiday.

Wishing you a peaceful nights sleep and sending gentle hugs x