Not coping

Hi, I did finally fall asleep.

Feel exhausted from all the crying.

I have a few things planned with friends over the next month. But it fills me with anxiety, just thinking about it. 

I'm gonna just see how I feel on that day.

Love and hugs to all

Hey Sad, 

all we can hope for is that each day we can get through one way or another.

Some days good, some days terrible. 
Some hours bearable, the next hour curled in a ball sobbing. 
Sometimes feeling a glimmer of forwardness, other times feeling like 5 steps backwards.

If only it was consistent!

I can't believe it 4 months tomorrow, that my Mr Wonderful, my world, my husband passed away.

How can it be 4 months, when it hurts like yesterday. 

The pain is unreal, I feel I'm going backwards not forward. 

I went out with a group of friends last night. It was nice, I laughed and ate and then I came home and he wasn't there, to ask me how it was, what I ate. I did tell him about the evening but obviously not the same.

Today I've been exhausted, just 1 different thing to my day has wiped me out.

Another round of tears.

I feel robbed of the time, we never had at the end.

I'm feeling more crap, tired, emotional, unable to cope.

Sorry to go on, I know I'm not on my own with these feelings.

Love and hugs to all

Hi there, I have had a rubbish day too. I just can’t seem to get any control over my grief. I have a nasty cold, and feel quite run down. My son has wisdom teeth/virus issues, and I feel my inner reserves are being solely tested. I have little patience, and find I am quite snappy. My emotions are all over the place. I started crying in bed as I need to change the quilt cover, and he always used to help me. It was always the funniest as he always turned it inside out, or couldn’t find the corners. It was one of our special little moments where we got the giggles. I miss him desperately and here come the tears again. I am trying to be brave, but it isn’t working. Love and hugs to all. Xxx

So it’s 2.55am and I haven’t stopped crying for more than 15 minutes since 2pm yesterday.

10 weeks ago yesterday my world collapsed.

How is it possible that 12 weeks ago we were taking walks, yes shorter and slower than ever before, but still out. 
How is it possible that 11 weeks ago we were stirring in our favourite cafe, yes he fell asleep twice, but we were still out. 
How is it possible that 10 weeks ago he was due to start chemo to give us 3 to 6 months. 
He talked about us going to a hotel for Christmas. 
He said he hoped he would make it to our anniversary next February.

I stuffed my face in a towel and tried to scream and scream away the images and sounds of his final horrific 10 to 15 minutes. 
Didn’t work. 
I smashed plates in anger at it all. Didn’t relieve anything. 
Doing my usual calming things like colouring, painting and jigsaws haven’t helped.

This is one of the worst nights I’ve had. 
Everything I see, hear, smell, think reminds me of him and the empty future.

I haven’t even bothered trying to go to bed, no point.

So between the tears I’ve typed this and am watching old editions of Gogglebox.

Sending and accepting hugs xx

You poor darling, that sounds a truly horrendous night. You must be exhausted from the pain. It still feels surreal at times for me too. I miss my Paul so much, we were everything to each other. His beautiful smile, his quick wit, his kindness. I truly don’t know how I am carrying on at the moment. I am going through the motions for our children, but I am completely devastated inside, and feel like my heart has been cut out. I didn’t know this level of suffering existed. Sending hugs. Kate. Xxx