Not coping

I am sorry for your sad loss. I lost my husband 16 months ago to glioblastoma and am still finding life impossible, and what is the point, as my future has been taken away. I try and keep busy and meet up with friends who are in the same position so get everything you say, even though we all do and feel things differently, we have all lost the love of our life, our best friend, the other half of us, and our reason for living. It was our Wedding Anniversary on Sunday, our 45th, and the second one since he passed away, and i felt it was harder this year than last year. I hope you get through the funeral next week, as best you can. I am sorry i have no helpful words, but just do things one step at a time, and do things how you want to and not by what other people say. Take care.x

Sending you a hug as there is nothing I can say that will help. My husband died on the 17th June from bowel cancer. We were married for 40 years. As dipsy says, take everything at your own pace and in your own way. There is no ‘correct’ way to grieve or to feel, and all of us react differently. This forum is brilliant as everyone here understands, even if our experience is not the same. Best wishes to you for next week and onwards.

Hi there, my husband passed on the 4th of August from kidney cancer. It was so fast. Diagnosed in March and gone by August, and then it starts. Registering the death, visiting the funeral directors, sorting the wake, contacting family and friends, sorting the buffet, and on an on it goes. This is when you are at your most vulnerable, in shock, exhausted and trying to process the loss. It is savage. I did it all on my own. The only way I got through it was sheer bloody mindedness. I wanted to have a lasting memory of the day. I thought the best way I could show my love, was to focus minute by minute on the arrangements and push until it was all in place. The goal was to get through the day with dignity and then I could find time for me. You are stronger than you think. You can do this. Sending you strength and hugs. Kate. Xxx

Hi Mrs S!

So sorry for your loss. I was like you at the beginning. My husband passed in June last year (2023) and while he was going through his treatment and when we found out his condition was terminal, I just kept thinking about not wanting to be here either but luckily that is as far as it got only thinking about it. My attitude was if he wasn't going to be here then neither did I. He was the one that said to me in his final days that I was the strong one in our relationship and how I would go on without him as I just did not see a way forward at the time. Luckily though I had the sense to reach out to different organisations including here at MacMillan. They did make me see that there were people who I needed to be here for. I have my son, his partner and my little granddaughter and I also have an older sister who has learning and mental health difficulties who relies on me for certain things. She is independent to an extent but there are other things she needs me for. She too got a bowel cancer diagnosis the same as my husband only two months after he passed but her diagnosis was not as serious as my husband's was and it was just a case of them taking her in and cutting out her tumour which was very small without the need for post radio or chemotherapy treatment. She is now recovering well. 

Please come on here when you feel you need to as we all get it and there will be someone who can relate to what you are going through and just know you have somewhere to come to when you feel you have nowhere to turn. Please take care of yourself and my best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky x

I had thyroid cancer in 2017 and had an easy ride. 
Had the op to remove total thyroid and 50 lymph nodes. Radioiodine therapy and a nerve resection.

So we thought his cancer journey would be just as easy. 
Except of course it was the opposite. 
Especially after his terminal diagnosis when we had to fight daily for the hospital and insurance to bloody talk to each other to start his chemo to give him 3 to 6 months. 
As most of you know, we got 4 weeks.

My beautiful gentle, kind Valen should be the unfortunate one typing on here not me. 
It should be me in that casket not him. 
His contribution to this world far far outshone mine.

He gave so much to our little community. 
Advice, guidance, tech help, monetary help, local business support. 
He helped my aged mum and her oldie friends with shopping or sorting their mobiles out. 
He listened to people, had time for everyone. 
He was so full of positivity and loved life.

So why am I here and not him. 
What’s the point of me being here and not him. 
My being here isn’t going to make any difference. 

These thoughts so often crowd in. 
But I now understand how if I went as well how much my family would grieve. 

I always end up after a spell of what’s the point by being even more determined to live his life. 
I must stop being such a selfish, impatient person. 
Be kinder, gentler and when I eventually can, start to enjoy life.

Sorry, not really much help to you, but this is how I feel right now at 2am.

Hugs to those awake xx

So sorry for your situation - I’ve been there. 
From a very practical and pragmatic point of view I decided I could do 2 pieces of “admin” a day (calls/letters/emailsetc) and “see or speak” to one person a day

that was it

but it got me through - that was what I told people close to me and they told others - and everything just had to wait.

Might just get you through the “now” - which does just keep changing - but just do one day at a time xxx

So sorry for your loss. 

I wish I could say it gets easier.

My husband passed on 1st August this year.

Metastasized Melanoma, in July we were told, get strong, get out of hospital and get treatment. Then a couple of weeks later we were told he had weeks to live but he passed 2 days later.

I feel very cheated of time with him.

I'm having a very bad bedtime tonight. Can't stop crying.

I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel in denial. I can cope in the day, at work by ignoring what's happened. My body hurts with aching for him. 

Normally writing on here helps me stop crying but not tonight and now I'm all bunged up and a snotty mess. 

Gonna try and read for a bit

Night all, love and hugs xx

Hey Sad,

I hope reading has helped and you got some sleep.

Well here I am at my usual time on a Thursday morning. 
Reliving his final horrific moments with me. 
But today, 9 weeks in, I’m not a crying wreck. 
My sister who I stay with overnight on weds / thurs as I can’t bear to be on my own, has not had to come in to hold me. 
I can cry quietly on my own.
So, progress!

For all of us, hugs xx

Hi there, surprise surprise I am up too. I get up at about 4am every night. I really struggle getting back to sleep. The thoughts are overwhelming. I have had a couple of really difficult days missing my darling, but yesterday was a good one. I haven’t cried for twenty four hours. I am finding that I am getting longer periods of time when I feel more ‘normal’, whatever that is. I am starting Art Therapy tomorrow at St Barnabas. I am hoping this will help me process my emotions, and to help with coming to terms with the loss. We shall see, I have an open mind. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

I joined the art group at our favourite cafe and started my own unofficial art therapy. 
The group is just a few of us, most with mental health problems. 
There’s no formality. If we just want to sit and have coffee, cake and chat with no paints coming out that’s fine. 
There is no teacher, leader or facilitator. 
We just paint, draw, crochet, sew. 1 girl brings playdoh each week.

My first paintings were all trees at night. So pretty black, with maybe the moon as the only colour. 
Lots of volcanoes. Or just thick slashes of dark colours.

Yesterday, 1 of the girls said “that’s such a different picture to your first weeks”. 
it was a field of flowers. 
I looked back over them all and yes, they are getting brighter, more colourful.

So something must be happening subtly in my head.

I hope you find it as therapeutic as I have. 
But we are all different.

xx