I will never get over watching my husband die

I'm so sorry to read your post and the loss of  your husband. Please try and take comfort in the fact that you were with him, he was being looked after by the medical professionals and as you say hopefully he knew you were there.

I also was prepared for my husbands death but the reality is very different.  I had to train my thoughts away from those last images, if I closed my eyes and those images of him in the hospice bed came I quickly replaced them with another image, him driving his car, walking the dog anything but there!!

It is still very early days for you, don't feel like you should do things. Only do them when you are ready.

I'm 6 years on and still have alot of my husbands clothes and have no intention of removing them or my wedding rings. That might change but I will only do things when they feel right to me. 

Take care 

Thank you for your reply. Yes it is still early days and time is a great healer so I’m told . 
Everything is still so raw at the moment and I feel like I have had to be strong for everyone else. X

I'm very sorry to read your post - but I think I know how you are feeling.

My wife died about 8 months ago, and I am still haunted by the scenes at the end. It was pretty chaotic and badly handled by some of the medical staff, and, very distressingly, my wife was visibly frightened. She finally lost consciousness, but her body struggled on for a few more hours. I don't know if she knew I was there or not - but I sure hope she did. Witnessing her gasping for breath was horrible. I have been trying to gain control over all of these memories - but they still assault me at random times of the day or night.

In your case, four weeks is a very short amount of time. In my case, eight months on, I haven't begun to touch any of my wife's stuff yet (apart from a few very special items for which she gave me very specific instructions.) I guess at some stage I will do so - but I think it will take me years.

I hate being alone in our house, and I am terrified of the future. But I know that it's the way things are going to be. People tell me that things will improve - or, at least, change - over time, and I am sure that is the case. But things will never be the same - everything has changed.

If I can offer any 'advice', it's only that things will take as long as they take, and that there is no rush to do anything. So take your time. In addition, try not to worry about whatever anybody else might think. For example, you don't have 'to be strong' for other people. You have suffered a tremendous loss, and you need to try to look after yourself, first of all.

I send you love, hope, and best wishes. We all find ourselves in a horrible position.

Hi PTP. You have described what I am going through to a tee, I,m sorry you have experienced similar, it’s not pleasant. I was the only family member present when he passed because we did not expect him to die so quickly. He made the decision to go into a hospice so that his pain and discomfort could be better managed and we arrived there at lunchtime expecting him to be there at least a week but he passed the same afternoon. I can,t comprehend how he could be sat up talking to me one minute and gasping for breath the next. 
I am glad his suffering is over and I hope he has found peace but I resent the fact I am left to grow old without him. All of our plans for the future gone. 
I know things will get better. I have a lot to be thankful for, the 30 years I had him, our 2 sons for instance. I just feel like half a person without him.

Sending you warm thoughts, 

xx

Gigi1973,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand and sadly experience similar trauma.  My husband died 10 May so I am very close to you on this lonely and cruel path.  The grieving is horrible; my emotions are all over the place.  Then I have moments of guilt, thinking how I possibly “failed” my husband in doing the right things at the end.  I was with him when he actually died; however, he was non-responsive by the time I got to him in A&E (ambulance had taken him from home about 14 hours earlier in the day.  I thought he was going to get through this!  I wonder if he knew I was there with him.  I hope so; I sat by his side holding his hand, caressing his face, talking to him. 

Now just two days ago, we had his funeral.  It was a lovely simple event, no service or fuss.  It was exactly as he wanted.  Like you, and others, I feel so alone … only half of what I was.  I constantly talk with him … day and night.

Sending you strength and energy to work through this horrible process.

WildBird

XOXO

PTP,

Greetings.  I know we’ve exchanged messages a little on some different posts.  As I read you message above, I relate to some of your difficulties … about the house, sorting things out, changing things.  It is all so difficult.  At times, I feel frozen, unsure what to do and what to say.  I wonder how I can continue, yet I know I will persevere.

Sending you lots of healing energy.

WildBird

I was with my husband when he died 2 months ago. He too was non-responsive. I sat with him holding his hand and talking to him. I played some of his favourite music, I played the song we got married to, a tear ran down his face so I knew he could hear me. I told him I loved him and will always love, and whenever the time was right for him he could ‘go’

I am sorry to hear about your experience I guess I was lucky my wife's passing in April was quite peaceful and she was very brave and not in pain. I am a few weeks further in the process than you but not enough to make a difference. I retired a few months early at the end of last year to be with my wife all the time and must admit at the moment do not feel like leaving the house and mixing with people although I know I will have to change that before it becomes an ingrained way of life. I hope your work colleagues are a support to you. 

I still find I will see something and think I must remember to tell Cecilia about that. Part of my still seems to think she is away but will be back. 

I hope you get the support from family and friends. I am sorry I am not far enough in to the process to offer you words of wisdom but hopefully talking on the forum and verbalising things may be a little help and being in contact with people going through a similar process may help although obviously we are all effected differently. 

Best wishes 

Martyn