My perception of grief.

Bravo Neofire !

Let me be the first to answer that very well written and heartfelt posting. I think you are amazing, in what you have already achieved since Sarah's death. My goodness, you do help me ! Anything is possible.

I wish you a good day and look forward to following you on your exciting journey. We are with you as is Sarah. Who would be very proud of you .

All the best

Take care 

Hugs

Awww thank you so much for those kind words, it really means the world to me :) 

Lovely Words Neofire. 

I still find it hard to comprehend that I am speaking about my husband in a `past tense`. I still talk to people about him he `used to do this/that` and sometimes forget he is gone and still think he likes doesn't like to do certain things. It will be his one year anniversary of passing next month (June). The year has gone so quick but for me feels as though time has stood still. Things have happened good and bad but feel that nothing major has happened since last June. So many things I have been `meaning to do` but just haven't yet got round to them. I know I will get there with them eventually in time though. Take Care

Vicky 

When my own wife was ill - and, we knew, dying from cancer - I always thought that we would be able handle the illness together, horrible though some of that experience was. And we did, right to the end. But I was also always terrified of the complete void which would open up for me thereafter - and I now know that I was right to be terrified.

After my wife's death, I actually read C.S. Lewis's book, on the recommendation of somebody else. I am an atheist, but I was curious about how such a famed religious thinker might address the matter, and I was feeling almost 'envious' of people who could use religious faith as a support to help them deal with such a calamity. But, on the latter point, I no longer think it's that simple: even Lewis questioned what his 'God' might be doing.

It is interesting to reflect on what Lewis actually meant by the famed opening sentence which you quote above - I am still not sure that I fully understand. For, directly after that opening sentence, Lewis goes on to write that: "I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid."

For my own part, I am afraid, in very similar ways to the ones which you list in your post. I am terrified of what the future might hold for me, and it is difficult to hold on to hope - though I know that I have to.

Hi there, I went through all the same emotions as yourself, I looked after Sarah till the very end. The last few months she could walk so it was bed pans and bed baths etc, but like I’ve said before, I wouldn’t change that for the world. To be there for the love of my life and look after her was a privilege. 

I understand your pain, I am terrified. Fear is a natural response to the unknown, and I’ve no idea how to deal with it either. She made me make promises about living life etc, right now I couldn’t care, but….i am trying. 

the YouTube channel may seem daft to some, but to me it’s a collection of ‘tools’ that help me focus my mind on doing something that honours my wife’s memory. We were both lovers of the outdoors and adventuring, when she left me the list o felt I must try and follow that path, so I thought to my self “why not share it with others on the hop it might help someone else?” 

I’ll never get over her, never move on, but I will fight my way through this grief, the intense pain and void that has been left. Still got no idea what the future holds, everything is scary. She had no insurance, so I’ve got financial dealings to sort too, it’s been an expensive month!

Anyway, we’re in this together, so please reach out anytime you wanna chat, rant, scream….anything :) 

I know what you mean about the “past tense” thing, it just doesn’t seem right. When you’re ready, you’ll get round to the things you need, or want to do. I wish had could say more to comfort you, but I feel heartfelt empathy for everyone in this forum, and everyone dealing with cancer still. It breaks my heart to know so many people are sharing the same pain as me. 

Much love to you ️

Neofire,

I truly appreciate your insightful words.  My hearts aches for you and with you.  We both, along with many others, struggle along this lonely and painful journey.  Here it is 02:22 … I’ve been awake for a little while.  The night times are the worst.  I get only brief periods of sleep before I wake and struggle with painful feelings.  Reading your comments, along with those of others, helps me get by.  

Tonight/this morning, I feel so utterly despondent, so alone, no friends, family, and nearby support (in person … how it would be nice to have a hug).  Reading posts does help.  I get ideas and inspirations from your words and others.  Focusing, trying to write coherent, sensitive responses takes my focus away from my grief, at least momentarily.  At least I’m not crying at this moment.

The C.S. Lewis quote above is very fitting indeed!

Hiya, I’m also terrible at night, I sit for hours longing to hug my wife, to hear her voice, it’s heartbreaking. 

I’m sorry you don’t have anyone close to you, but you’ve got me, and everyone else here :) 

Why don’t you join me on my YouTube channel? It’s  called ‘Riding through grief’. I’m attempting to use my motorcycle, photography etc as tools to focus on the things that my wife and I loved to do together, and embarking on a trip around the North Coast 500 in Scotland from the 16th June. I also pop update videos up too, I’m hoping that my journey in trying to cope might inspire/help others too, maybe. 

I’m just trying to connect with people in ways that seem a bit more intimate, and personal. Anyway, please take care and look after yourself, and know you are not alone. 

Hi Neofire,

Thank you for your kind and sensitive post.  I did in fact check out your YouTube site; truly I did enjoy it (though at 03:00 and later, I admit I was feeling a tad tired).  I do relate to it.  Though my husband and I didn’t bike (motorcycles), we did explore areas in similar ways as you and your wife did.  I did “subscribe” to your site, but I admit I’m not too versed on how YouTube works (yes, I’ve used it before but not a great deal).  I hope in time to re-collect photos I have of the many adventures, near and far, my husband I shared over the years.  Sadly not understanding Google’s demand for more storage space (I had Cloud thinking my photos were safely stored).  Sadly I deleted many; however, I have numerous back ups (between hard drive attached to old computer, Amazon photos, and surprisingly, Google Photos seems to have more than I expected.

Much of our travel was to more natural settings.  as we are in Cumbria, only several miles from Gretna, we usually had to travel some distance to places for walks, birds, nature.  I can’t drive yet because of recent hip operation (a blessing as I wouldn’t want to face the responsibility of driving 360 miles to his funeral during this emotional time … that coming up in about 10 days!).

I got up early as I often do.  I started brekki and tea.  As often the case, I’ve gotten side tracked.  Bowl of cereal and tea still waiting ….  Thank you again for responding.  I will indeed continue to visit your YouTube site.  ️ 

Thank You Neofire. 

Love to you too