“Nobody ever told me that grief felt so much like fear” - C.S. Lewis. Never a truer statement.
I fear for the future, growing old alone.
I fear that I will forget the sound of her voice.
I fear that I will forget how she looked in my mind.
I fear that I won’t be able to cope.
I fear that this intense pain will never stop.
The list could go on for a long time!
Grief makes you feel isolated, alone, damaged…..and scared of absolutely everything, despite people being around you.
When you love someone so very deeply, there is no such thing as “moving on” when they pass, all you can do is live a different life - an unplanned life.
Nothing will help me “let go”, nothing will help me “move on”. I will never forget the love of my life, she changed me for the better, she gave me strength, she supported me, she was my driving force. The most wonderful, beautiful, bossy, cuddly, soft-hearted soul.
I will always talk about my wife with admiration, with fondness, I ask people to not be afraid to talk about her when talking to me, it helps, there’s no need to ‘avoid’ the subject - that’s what so many folk do. They say all the usual stuff like “god has a plan for them” - it’s generally because they don’t know what to say! How can we change that?
If I speak about her, if others do, then she’ll always be here with me wherever I go.
My youtube journey “Riding Through Grief” is about celebrating Sarah’s life, while learning to face my own fears, which seem insurmountable at the moment. I’m not doing it for attention, drama, comments, or any other shite - I’m doing it because I need to, because I want to - also, I want to help others. I’m no expert, not a counsellor, just a devastated husband who want to find ways to deal with the immense pain of losing my wife. Hoping by sharing the experience, the “journey” through using the tools that work for me (motorcycling, photography etc) that it may inspire others to find their own ‘tools’. I may be talking utter nonsense, but I must try.
Anyway, that’s my take on grief for now, that’s my ‘system’ of coping, of channeling energy. We all have our own way, but we’re most definitely not alone.
We are all widowed/widowers, we are all on this journey together.
I’m glad you joined me on the journey, hopefully when I head up to the north coast on the 16th you’ll be able to relate to some of it. For me it’s just about escapism, getting away from it all.
My Sarah wanted to do the NC500 on the bike, she kept saying “when I beat this we’ll go here and there” always had lots of plans. Even though she was told she was terminal right at the start, she never really spoke about being defeated, always positive.
I honestly had no notion at all of going away, so I’m forcing myself to get my finger out and get on with it, I’m hoping it will help and give me focus, when I’m actually out there it might not be so bad.
Take care for now 
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