In a Lonely and Despondent Place

Hello WildBird

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear that your husband has passed away just over 2 weeks ago. Please accept my sincere condolences. It is not surprising that you are feeling lonely and despondent when facing such difficult times. 

We can not take away the pain that you are feeling, but we can only hope that we can make you feel less alone in facing these challenging times.

I think sometimes when facing such challenging time, we can find out who is there for us and sometimes the people that we feel would be there to support us, find it, for whatever reason difficult. I am lucky in that my family and friends were supportive to me but some of the most support I had came from people that I did not know so well before my cancer. These people now, I consider to be friends for life. 

To add to this you are also recovering from your own surgery. 

I have had a think and have come up with a few ideas. Maybe they may be worth considering?

- Do you feel able to call the Support Line at Macmillan? The details are below. They will be able to listen and will understand you are grieving and may be able to make suggestions that could help. They would also be able to look in your area to see if there is any support available. Sometimes there can be Maggie's Centres or Cruse support available. You could also ask about Macmillan Buddies which is where a trained volunteer can give you a phone call for a chat to offer whatever support you need- a listening ear may help?

-Are you able to contact your GP and see if any support can be arranged through there? Both with your own recovery and also with support after losing your husband. Am thinking District nurses etc

- Has your GP surgery got a Village Agent attached to it? I live in a small town and there is one at mine who can offer social and practical help for people who need it, for whatever reason. Sometimes they can link up with volunteers. In my area there is also support available via the church.

-I had support with travelling to hospital from the Red Cross. I wonder if they would be able to offer any support to you-  they can offer support with loneliness, and support at home when you have been in hospital. The volunteers I had were really nice. 

Get help | British Red Cross

- I found Cruse helpful and understanding.

 Home - Cruse Bereavement Support

And lastly, never feel that you can not post on here. That is what the community is for. Please use it as much as you feel helps. You are having such an overwhelming time and I am sure there will be many people on here who will want to offer you support.

 All the ways we can help | Macmillan Cancer Support

Hope this helps a bit

Jane

Thank you, Jane.  I am in an absolutely low place at the moment.  I realize I will get through it but for the moment, I am tired and overwhelmed, currently distracting myself with language lessons (foreign language).  I did try to find some help for practical things around the house, but GP said there was nothing in place.  I don‘t know of any other options.  Thanks for reading and replying.  I hope you are managing the ups and downs in your own journey.

I find anything that distracts can help. For me staying in the same place doesn't help so even going and sitting out in the garden helped. Anything fresh air and nature. I do jigsaws (online) sometimes as it's something that you can do to pass the time but don't need to think a lot about. Also trying to keep to some sort of routine/structure helped me. Trying to get up, go to bed and eat at regular times helped. Sometimes it can be hard. 

I wonder whether there may be something that you would be entitled to claim financially that could be used to pay for some temporary support at home? The Support Line has advisors that would be able to check for you. I do wonder though about the Macmillan Buddies and whether it might in time be something that could help. 

You are in a very low place at the moment, but it will get better, bit by bit. If it feels too much to call the Support Line, you can also email them. I have also found all the Red Cross volunteers I have dealt with to be really helpful- sometimes just to listen. 

Jane

Hi,

I am very sorry to read your post. In fact, I'm in tears reading it. You are in a very difficult situation. However, if it helps, please know that I - and many other people here - are thinking of you. I am sending waves of love and hope in your direction.

I fully recognize the lack of family and friends to help you, by the way. I am in a similar position, though not quite so bad as yours.

Dealing with everything that's going on in your life, on top of recovering from the surgery you've had, sounds just intolerably hard - and you need a hand. Jane has given what seems like excellent advice - so please consider it. Personally, I would definitely suggest contacting your GP in the first instance.

What's your neighbour like? Apart from giving you a hug, are they able to provide any practical help? You never know, but they might actually be waiting to be asked - many people don't know how to react to situations like this.

Please keep posting; please take things easy; and please try to keep positive. And as for the sons, my advice is to completely ignore them: the last thing you need right now is further negativity.

I send you my love, and best wishes.

Thanks, Jane.  You provide some potentially helpful suggestions.  Financially, I know I am ok for the moment, but I have absolutely no idea what I may or may not be entitled to.  DWP has not been forthcoming with information.,  Further, I am now receiving numerous forms to be filled out, requesting yet more documentation.  The tasks are daunting, and I‘ve already done so much, but still so much more to come.  I do have my various escapes and diversions, walking, bird watching, nature are cruicial.  With recent hip operation, however, my mobility is limited, and I still cannot drive (which at this emotional time is a blessing).

Thank you, PTP,  I am numb with grief … in a daze.  You are correct, Jane has offered good suggestions.  I have been in touch with orthopaedic helpline a few times and also with GP.  One doctor is following through with my latest inquiry about struggling with grief.  Sometimes I do just fine, but other times, like now, no.  Another neighbour drove me to the bank several days ago (so I could provide death certificate).  Sam neighbour drove me to B&M, though I ended up walking home with my roller trolley in one hand and crutch in other … ha ha (not that far, maybe 1.5 mile).

Thanks for your reply.

It's now almost seven months since my own dear wife died - and I am also still numb with grief. So I hope that, to a small extent at least, I do understand your own position.

We all find ourselves in an impossible situation. For myself, I always wished it was me that had gotten cancer, rather than my wife: she had already suffered enough with other conditions and, selfishly, I didn't want to be the one left behind. But it happened. All I know now that is that I need to carry on. Had the situation been reversed, that's what I would have both hoped and expected that my wife would have done. So I keep trying to carry on, one step at a time.

Definitely lean on your neighbours: if they're decent people (and it sounds like they are), they will be very keen to help you - and they are probably just waiting to be asked.

As far as the various 'admin' matters are concerned, what I eventually realized is that some do need rapid attention - but others can be ignored until you're ready. What was very useful for me was the governmental 'tell us once' service - see  https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

In my case, that service in fact covered all the immediately-necessary administration. Seven months down the line, I still haven't actually formally applied for Probate. I am in the process of doing that, but there's no rush, and it will take as long as it takes.

Personally, I have taken solace in music, which both me and my wife loved. But I do have to be very careful about what I listen to: some of it immediately provokes very strong reactions. Physical activity has also helped me, as has the company of friends: I don't have many, but, those I do have, I trust.

What has also helped me - and which is partly why I am persisting here - is both talking about, and writing about, the calamity which has befallen me. Putting things into words - both verbally, and on paper - has helped me. I don't know why - but it has.

Your situation in dealing with all of this, on top of major surgery, is doubly difficult. Please lean on your neighbours, and any other friends you have. And definitely seek help from your GP: they will want to know how you are getting on, and they will help you. You are not alone

I send you me very best wishes, and love. We are all in a horrible position. But we have an obligation to carry on, in loving memory of those we have lost.

Hello, I just wanted to direct you to another site that may be of help for you, as it has been for myself, it's called Way up. You can post on there, and people will will reply to you, also you may be able to find people living in your area to meet up with, for a coffee or a walk, when you are ready. They also do zoom calls that you can join and either just sit and listen in, or join in with. I went out for a 4 hour lunch yesterday with some of the people i have met on there. It costs nothing to join you just need to register. I am nearly 11 months on from losing the love of my life, and my best friend and am still finding it so hard to do things without him by my side. I hope in time the pain will lessen but until it does i just have to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. Thinking of everyone and wishing you strength to carry on this path that none of us want to be on.

I‘m about to make phone contact to explore some possibilities.  Again thank you, Jane.

Well done. How are you feeling today?