129 days

Hi Clancy!

I reckon I'm about 400 days since Jay passed and I really get what you are saying. I was with him at the end though and didn't even realise that he had passed and just fell asleep. He was doing that weird breathing that happens apparently at the end and I was sitting watching the little TV in his hospital room when I became aware the breathing had stopped and I shook him but no response and the nurses came in and then confirmed he had gone. He passed on 23rd June 2023. Yes no matter how busy or occupied you try to keep yourself you still have that constant `empty feeling`. You get well meaning people saying `you should try doing this or that` but they don't realise how overwhelming it can be to try to do things on your own after being with the same person at your side for 40 years who is no longer there. Hands up I used to say that to people too ` you think they would do this or that` but until you actually experience it yourself then you get it. Neighbours have told me how quiet it is in our block since he has gone but they don't mean it in a bad way it's just that he was such a huge presence and such a big character one of those people you hear them before you see them. 

Some of the things you wrote about I can identify with. Going to bed at a reasonable time I've tried that too but takes ages for me to drop off to sleep. Sometimes it's still an effort to actually get out of bed in the morning as I sometimes ask myself what am I getting up for? The one reason I need to do that is because I have a little dog who needs walked so that gets me out I suppose. I hardly have the TV on during the day at all when Jay was here it was on 24/7 he was a right telly addict and would watch anything and everything even repeats of what he watched just a few days before  I switch it on in the mornings then it goes off at lunchtime until teatime.  Mealtimes now for me are meals for one or I will actually cook myself something but they are not as I call them the `Jay size portions` he used to make. Cooking was a passion for him and he was always experimenting in the kitchen and used to cook for an army and it would only be the two of us. He loved his food and I think he thought everyone ate like he did. Making Christmas dinner was a big thing for him too and he would go all out for that. My waistline is beginning to benefit now from the smaller meals so that I suppose it a positive. It was the usual if he made something you would just eat it because it was there. 

For me too there are no weeks or weekends anymore. There's no Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc. just days and like when we were all in the grip of covid all the days just morph into one but covid has near enough left us now but this we have now is for life. Sometimes I sit and say to myself `is this it`? is this all I have to life now. I'm 62 years old this year so it's harder for me to start again on my own. I watch the usual TV at night time soaps etc and maybe try to find a movie on Netflix or Amazon then go to bed but as I said really hard sometimes for me to fall asleep right away. I can't cry for him I want to, but it just doesn't happen. I did plenty of crying when he was ill and going through his treatment at one time thought I would never stop. Now though, it just never happens and just wish it would because I feel if I had one big outburst I may just feel that bit better. Bereavement counselling may work for you. You could ask about here. I still reach out now and again if things become a bit desperate for me whether it's here on the online chat or other sources like SHOUT of CALM and there is one in Scotland called Breathing Space. I got 6 free phone counselling sessions through here with Marie Curie as well.

Yes it's a hard road we face going through this. I just hope as they say that time is a healer and things will get better. Take Care. 

Vicky xx

Sorry wee typo there. The other sources I use are SHOUT or CALM not Shout `of` Calm. You probably got that though. 

Thanks for replying.  I'm 71 now having just gone through the first wedding anniversary and birthday on my own.  I used to do all the cooking but now have no interest in cooking so I end up eating rbish food,  take aways, or as you say meals for one.  I recently found out that the TV in the bedroom did down after 1 1/2 hours ago now I stick something on, turn off the light and leave it to run it helps me feel not quite so alone.  I also have a minute and half video of him sleeping and snoring so sometimes play that in the dark so I can pretend he's still there.  The things we do

Tv switches off

I have a TV in the bedroom too but it's hardly ever on these days. The only time I will say it is on is if my little granddaughter comes to stay and she sleeps with me so sometimes I put the TV on for her until she falls asleep. I put it on now and again for myself but not so much. Take Care.

Vicky x

sounds like we all do the same or similar. I have a ton of pictures of my late and lovely wife, little video. How I wish I had taken more. I find video makes me feel like she is still here even though I know she has gone.

I either wake or go to bed (or both) thinking/wishing she was still there. Speak to photo's, call her name or anything to try and null the pain of her being gone.

we are all the same in some respect at times, we just don't want to admit we have lost our loves, the person that made life worth living, a reason to get up in the morning. 

Friends don't tend to get our loss, they like to think they do but they just don't. I am lucky (or unlucky) in that my cousin lost her husband last year, so I have someone who really gets me and so we meet frequently and talk about spouses gone and our joint grief. This is a sad but very cathartic meeting of sad minds.

Do bereavement counselling, I have and it helped a lot. It did remove a lot of guilt about the "what if I had only" guilt that I carried after her passing. It won't however remove any grief, I feel as empty in my heart today as i did when she left me in January. 

Love to you all.

Steve

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's awful. But I recognise everything you've written: my wife of 38 years died six months ago, and I still really can't believe what's happened.

However, if you are thinking about bereavement counselling, then I would definitely recommend that you give it a try. For me, the opportunity to talk to (or really, talk at) an independent, impartial listener has proven to be helpful. (Note that I can't really say why it's been helpful, but I think that talking aloud about the calamity which has occurred must somehow allow one's brain to process the information in a different way from simply thinking about it all.)

My best wishes and love to everybody else in this terrible situation. Please remember that you are not alone.

I could have written this. Lost my husband of 40 years in October after a long 2 year battle. Like you I am 62 and just feel empty inside. I am lucky to have a good support network around me that keep me busy most days but I just feel that I exist now , find it hard to get any pleasure out of the things I used to enjoy. 
I find it sad that I recognise a few names on this forum from the Carers Only forum. One lady once quoted on there that it is better to be a carer than a widow. My, how true them words are but then I would only want my husband back in his pre cancer state.  Xx

We should be nominated for an Oscar for the acts we put on. I lost my husband in October 2023 and people comment on how well I’m doing if only they knew how I feel inside . I think I just say the things they want to hear to be honest. I was actually with my husband when he died but watching and waiting for him to take his last breath is an experience that I can’t get out my head and doubt I ever will. Like you I struggle to work out what is normal feelings and whether I would benefit from counselling but I’m just taking one day at a time, trying to keep busy. These forums are so good , the people on here just get it . Take care xxx

Hi Lou Lou,

I get you. I am good at `putting on a mask` when I got out and people ask how you are and just try and make out you are `hunky dory` yes we would all win best actress/actor as you say for the performance we need to put on. I'm only weeks away now from the first anniversary of Jay's passing and every week nearer I get that little bit more anxious. Right now I am remembering what was going on this time last year and re-living it all. When he passed two months later my older sister got the same cancer diagnosis but her;s was caught really early so they could do something with that and she is now making a good recovery. My son's future mother-in-law just passed 3 weeks ago again to cancer. I just feel it follows me around and just want it to go away now and leave me alone. Yes good to have these forums as you say everyone gets what one another are going through. My best wishes to you going forward. Take Care. 

Vicky x